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Tuesday, October 20, 2015

And Now a Public Service Announcement from LENO


I have good and bad news for all of you today. The good news is that we have taken control of Life Explained Ohio Office [LEOO] and have Tim and Dr Dawg tied up in the back room. The bad news is that we from the Life Explained Northeast Office [LENO] are using the facilities to do more of the very experiments that matter to us and affect you. Of course this will involve our latest advancement in football technology that we had worked long and hard with our new partners at Volkswagen to engineer the software that makes football more enjoyable, for us up here in New England anyway.

Our test runs over the last weekend involving the New England Patriots (YAY!) and the Indianapolis Colts (BOO!) didn’t exactly go as we had expected, but we measure our progress in much larger scale than the average football aficionados. The new software Getthosephawkingcolts v2.1 that we were able to install on the time clocks had a slight timing error and will require some better tweeking in the coming revisions. It appears that while we were able to make the clocks run slower and faster based on bad algorithms was a start in the right direction, but of course seemed to favor the home team (The Colts BOO!) and not the visiting team (The Patriots YAY!) or did it?

Through great efforts and research that we had put into place over the last 15 or so years of actual Patriots (YAY!) and Colts (BOO!) rivalry, scientific research had determined that dejection is the best way to treat the games. Who among us can forget the way Peyton Manning would be in tears on the sidelines as the Patriots (YAY!) found ways to humiliate him? Where it was determined that the Colts (BOO!) team this year is really really bad, we here at Life Explained Northeastern Office [LENO] and our friends at Volkswagen took great care to make sure that there was an actual appearance that the Colts (BOO!) had a chance of winning the game. These enhancements to game play using patented Getthosephawkingcolts technology did the job better than we had anticipated, by ripping the hearts out of the Colts (BOO!) faithful multiple times throughout the night!

Stay tuned folks for what we come up with to enhance game play this weekend as we test out a new software system that is still going through the testing process over in Germany code named Getthosephawkingjets! It is a little trickier of a system as the head coach of the Jets (BOO!) seems to be a lot more competent than the head coach of the Colts (BOO!) despite the same reaction to the mention of the team names. Of course we would have stood a much better chance with our new technology had we not messed up Operation Nose Breaker [ONB] thinking that our spy (Matt Cassel) would be traded to the Jets (BOO!) instead of the Cowboys (LOL!). We won’t let that happen again.