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Friday, April 15, 2016

Life Explains Cold Case Part 1.

Dr. Dawg was sitting in his cramped office. Tumbler of cheap bourbon on his desk, shade from his fedora covering the steely, absolute fix of resolute determination in his eyes. Smoke from his cheap cigar wreathing his face in angelic looking, toxic, stinking fog. He took a big puff, and coughed so hard he fell out of the wooden chair. Remembering he didn't smoke he threw the smoldering, noxious thing in the day old coffee sitting on his scarred, ancient desk.

He climbed back in the chair, wobbling and twisting because of the missing caster. Took a drink of bourbon, and started gasping for breath, "cheap crap, anyway, he managed to spit out between shakes and convulsions.

Finally he stumbled over and got a drink of water from the bowl he kept on the floor, by his food. Which, conveniently was in a bowl, on the floor. He thought about what a wonderful system this was.

With a mighty crash the door to his small, cramped, dingy office slammed open, the logo Dr. Dawg Private Investigator Life Explained stood in bright contrast to the squalid, dank air of the room. He thought "I need to put in one of those springy door stops that scares the crap out of me every time."

In walked Bil, an employee of Life Explained for the last 15 years. "I'd like to report a theft." He said, sitting down, and watching Dr. Dawg finish the last of the food in the bowl, on the floor.

After a drink of water, Dr. Dawg took his seat, and said "what was stolen?"

"Someone took my pizza out of the refrigerator. It was my lunch." He said, his voice breaking with anger, sorrow, and hunger.

"We had pizza?!?!??"

"No, I had pizza, and it was good, too. It was, admittedly, a long time ago. Right after I started. Since I was new I didn't want to make a big fuss. But it has always kind of bugged me. One of my coworkers stole my pizza, and ate it." A tear formed in the corner of his eye.

"Tell me about the pizza.." Dr Dawg said. His eyes intense under the rim of his fedora.

"Well, it was deep dish, from Montoni's on Garfield Street." Bil said.

"On man, those are so good, almost criminal. What were the toppings? Tell me about the toppings."

"It was a supreme, with extra bacon, and olives, and I had them add some of that spicy Italian sausage, you know the stuff with pesto. Plus, they used cheddar and mozzarella cheese back then, and extra jalapenos. I had some fresh ground parmesan cheese, and garlic butter for the crust, man I was really looking forward to lunch." Bil said, sorrow, and remorse evident on his face.

Dr. Dawg moaned softly, his eyes closed and he fell out of his chair. Jumping up he said, "sorry, sorry about that. I think we will need to call in a specialist for this job." He dialed the phone.

That is when I got involved, I'm Tim the Refrigerated Leftover Forensic Anthropologist. I track down lunch stealing thugs and bring them to justice.

To Be Continued.

PART II