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Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Married Life, and Other War Stories #FixThePlus

Anybody who knows me will tell you I love to go grocery shopping. It is a thrill, aisle after aisle of tasty treats. Food from one end to the other, with beer, and wine, and in some stores, bourbon. When you shuffle off this mortal coil and join the choir invisible you may actually get a job working at Kroger (our favorite grocery store). Of course, all of the customers will have a tab that never needs paid so they just stop by and grab what they need, thank you profusely, and go home. While you get to stock the snack crackers right next to the canned, spray cheese, and realize that there is a heaven.

Anybody who knows my wife can tell you she does not like to take me shopping with her. She is a shopping machine, a super human calculator. Constantly adjusting her savings strategy based on availability. Scanning coupons, and combining mentally the "8 for 8" sale, of the "Buy 10 save 10" values. While performing some complicated mental mathematics involving the various discounts from combining several specials, and coupons she doesn't want to stop and talk about how delicious a root beer float might be after dinner, "oh by the way, what do you want for dinner? Chili dogs would be good."

All of this means I don't get to go very often. But, sometimes I weasel my way into her good graces, and she takes me. On those rare occasions I have to make sure things go according to plan. When she stops to choose the combinations of soups I drop a pack of boxed cupcakes in the cart. It has to be smooth, so she doesn't notice the movement. It has to be concealed, maybe behind the cauliflower, and broccoli. Here is today's shopping tip, don't hide them under the cases of bottled water, they become very difficult to eat.

It is a good idea to have a few handy phrases loaded up and ready to use. I like "Yes, I was kind of surprised when you grabbed the shopping cart with all of the candy bars stacked on your purse and the diet cola, and the fresh fruit like that." Another old favorite, "Those cookies must have fallen in during that earth tremor while we were in 'aisle 6, cookies, crackers, potato chips and assorted breakfast pastries.' What an aisle that is, huh? We should go through there one more time." It is important to say this casually, don't let your voice tremble. You have to be cool, or she will see right through you, this is just a little trip down memory lane.

That is enough for today, tune in tomorrow, to find out how to negotiate an action movie on Netflix, you don't want to miss that.