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Monday, January 16, 2017

How to Love The NFL.

There is an old joke, “what is the difference between the NFL and the Houses of Congress?” The NFL is filled with people making enormous amounts of money doing something of no benefit to anyone… Wait, I think that was suppose to be Congress is filled with… I think I forgot the punchline, or the riddle. Either way, this time of year it is important to be able to talk about the NFL, the playoffs, and the teams involved. You should be able to throw in a few terms like “blitz” “zone coverage,” “post route,” and “super bowl commercials.”

“Hey, Bob, did you see that game between the Cowboys and the Vikings? It was a close game, with a lot of blitz, and zone and post routing. Fortunately for the Cowboys they played on land, had it been on sea the Vikings and their vastly superior knowledge of ocean going vessels would have won in a rout. Please hand me the French Vanilla aerated non dairy creamer, and the a couple of packets of all natural, saccharine free artificial sweetener.”

In that one sentence you have convinced Bob that your a knowledgeable professional football fan with a firm grasp of Nordic history and tradition who is careful about what he puts in his coffee. And you still have “super bowl commercials” stashed safely away. An ace in the hole. Soon people will be coming to you for pregame analysis, in game commentary and post game autopsy. 

This is an awesome responsibility. You must temper what you say. No matter your personal opinion you shouldn’t say things like “Bob, your team got waxed, they played like a bunch of old women waiting on a bus. Which is ok because I hate them, if they never won again it would be too soon. If they played the Black Plague I would root against them.” People get upset about those kinds of statements. In many ways they identify so closely with the teams it becomes like an attack on their person. In essence, they assume, you just said you like a medieval disease spread by flea infested rats and  killed 60% of the population of Europe more than you like them. Which is kind of hurtful.

And after your showy, pretentious display of Scandinavian history people are going to assume you understand the awful implications of invoking such a dreadful scourge. In a way you are a real jerk! What did Bob ever do to you anyway? You know what, you can get your own dammed coffee creamer.