The war on Christmas takes a difficult turn.

Yesterday the war on Christmas erupted, spilling onto the parking lots, and streets surrounding the Easton Town Center in Central Ohio.  In, what many consider, the most violent, intense battle of the campaign a rolling front line forced many shoppers to seek asylum in California Pizza Kitchen, or Max and Erma's.  Shoppers were sat in stunned silence, their Buffalo Chicken Burger lay half eaten, and their Yule Tide Ale turning warm on the table in front of them.

Santa was standing at the north entrance to Macy's.  His ringing bell, and cheerful, tradition laden ho ho hos could be heard for miles in the crisp, central Ohio air.  Clanging change was muffled by folded bills in the tripod suspended, red bucket standing next to the Jolly Old Elf.  It was a scene that had been repeated for years, but Santa looked wary, and kept glancing at the tree line about 1500 meters away, as though he sensed something.

Soon he started taking sniper fire, and mortar rounds were walking across the parking lot toward his exposed position.  That's right, Santa was pinned down by a hidden enemy from an elevated position.

This was not Santa's first rodeo, however.  He dove behind a Kia Sedona, the SX luxury model, with twin DVD players, multiple screens and dual power sliding doors.  On the front screen the children were watching "A Charley Brown Christmas," until they spied Santa poking his head above the solid part of the door.   They screamed with delight "look, it's Santa, peeking through my window."

Acting quickly, Santa called in air support.  Soon the skies were filled with miniature sleighs, being pulled by tiny reindeer.  Piloted by Santa's little helpers, the sleighs began strafing the tree line.

Soon, Santa's radio crackled, and a voice said "keep your head down, Kris, we are beginning a bombing run, it's going to be a big one."  From out of the east a larger, slower sleigh appeared, it almost looked as though it had flown right out of the sun, and after a slight adjustment, began to drop red and green bombs down the length of the tree line. The trees burst into flames, and the air was filled with the aroma of peppermint, and yule logs.

A very large sleigh lumbered in, landing in the street in front of the north parking lot.  A noisy, loud bell started clanging out "Have a holly, jolly christmas," as the rear door opened and heavily armed elves, dressed in traditional Holiday camouflage, poured out and began sweeping the field in front of the burning tree line.

In the end the day was saved by air superiority and a numerical advantage in ground forces.  Santa had acted quickly, and decisively to counter a frontal assault against an exposed position from forces of unknown numbers and composition.  Next time you see Santa make sure to throw in a few extra dollars, ammunition, and duplex communication are expensive, after all.

Football, a Brutal Game.

My younger cousin Mike, who has some sort of milk shake obsession, (a complex, yet treatable, affliction: we need to act, Life Explained fans, to end this horrible disease, we are accepting donations now, please give generously to this noble cause) asked me to join his Fantasy Football league.  It was an act of kindness and generosity so noble and pure as to make a grown man weep.   But, there is no time for that, we are talking fantasy football here.

Acting quickly, as is my norm, I assembled one of the finest teams to ever take the field.  I filled both lines with Trolls and Orcs, man those guys are big, and mean, plus they are not above taking a cheap shot in the scrum that develops on running plays up the middle.

At fullback we had a dwarf, tough, resilient, unafraid to get his nose out of joint in dive plays, and short yardage situations.  Also, the ax is a real bonus when pass blocking.

Tailbacks, receivers and defensive backs were all elves, tall, lithe, athletic and fast.  Elves have great hands, can change direction quickly, and can make "magic" catches.  They are hard to beat.

Our linebackers were all vampires, fast, agile, aggressive and hostile.  They scared the bejesus out of opponents, and teammates, and coaches, and fans, vendors, office staff, grounds crew.  They were really frightening, but nobody wanted to be the one to tell them they were being traded.

Here was the real genius, though, we put a Wizard at quarterback!  Not just any wizard either, a powerful, steely eyed, resolute mage, unshakable, unflappable, almost un-sackable, a quick learner, able to control the huddle and make the right audibles at the line.  Kind of a father figure to the whole team, and able to conjure up a cooler full of beer on a whim.

It was a solid team, and we could go far, if we took it one game at a time, and gave 110 % and didn't overlook anybody, and all of those other things that a team needs to do to have a successful season.

Man, we cruised, too.  Running right over the top of the Lions, and the Bears, and the Panthers, and the Broncos, (we even made an unscheduled stop to stomp on the Tigers, even though they are a baseball team, we hate animals) destroying the Cowboys, and the Redskins, and the Vikings.  The Eagles, and their high flying antics gave us a few problems, at first, but as soon as we scattered fish all over the field it was over, stupid birds.

Nobody could handle our mix of speed, strength, and horrifying undead awfulness.  We were a team of destiny.

Then we had to face the Giants in the Championship game.  They crushed us.  Still, it was a good season, next year we might try to draft a little more size.

Thanks for the invitation, Mike.