The war on Christmas takes a difficult turn.

Yesterday the war on Christmas erupted, spilling onto the parking lots, and streets surrounding the Easton Town Center in Central Ohio.  In, what many consider, the most violent, intense battle of the campaign a rolling front line forced many shoppers to seek asylum in California Pizza Kitchen, or Max and Erma's.  Shoppers were sat in stunned silence, their Buffalo Chicken Burger lay half eaten, and their Yule Tide Ale turning warm on the table in front of them.

Santa was standing at the north entrance to Macy's.  His ringing bell, and cheerful, tradition laden ho ho hos could be heard for miles in the crisp, central Ohio air.  Clanging change was muffled by folded bills in the tripod suspended, red bucket standing next to the Jolly Old Elf.  It was a scene that had been repeated for years, but Santa looked wary, and kept glancing at the tree line about 1500 meters away, as though he sensed something.

Soon he started taking sniper fire, and mortar rounds were walking across the parking lot toward his exposed position.  That's right, Santa was pinned down by a hidden enemy from an elevated position.

This was not Santa's first rodeo, however.  He dove behind a Kia Sedona, the SX luxury model, with twin DVD players, multiple screens and dual power sliding doors.  On the front screen the children were watching "A Charley Brown Christmas," until they spied Santa poking his head above the solid part of the door.   They screamed with delight "look, it's Santa, peeking through my window."

Acting quickly, Santa called in air support.  Soon the skies were filled with miniature sleighs, being pulled by tiny reindeer.  Piloted by Santa's little helpers, the sleighs began strafing the tree line.

Soon, Santa's radio crackled, and a voice said "keep your head down, Kris, we are beginning a bombing run, it's going to be a big one."  From out of the east a larger, slower sleigh appeared, it almost looked as though it had flown right out of the sun, and after a slight adjustment, began to drop red and green bombs down the length of the tree line. The trees burst into flames, and the air was filled with the aroma of peppermint, and yule logs.

A very large sleigh lumbered in, landing in the street in front of the north parking lot.  A noisy, loud bell started clanging out "Have a holly, jolly christmas," as the rear door opened and heavily armed elves, dressed in traditional Holiday camouflage, poured out and began sweeping the field in front of the burning tree line.

In the end the day was saved by air superiority and a numerical advantage in ground forces.  Santa had acted quickly, and decisively to counter a frontal assault against an exposed position from forces of unknown numbers and composition.  Next time you see Santa make sure to throw in a few extra dollars, ammunition, and duplex communication are expensive, after all.

War, and Christmas shopping, not that different.

Yesterday we sent a patrol to reconnoiter the locals stores.  It was a dangerous mission requiring stealth, endurance, discipline, and some level of insanity.  What they found was not pretty.  Sometime between the end of Thanksgiving and yesterday the war on Christmas took a bizarre turn.  It seems Christmas decided to return fire.

There were holiday explosions everywhere, green, red, tinsel, garland and wreath, the garish, festive carnage covers everything.  Several people reported a heavy set, white haired elf, assumed to be jolly, dressed in red, with white cuffs, collars, and lapels, standing at entry ways and on corners, asking not for whom the bell tolls, because they know it tolls for anyone foolish enough to step in front of a moving holiday.

Our fearless scouts reported that there were several scenes almost completely overrun with stockings, ornaments, plastic snowmen and reindeer, and artificial snow.  Music turned up to such a high volume, in order to coerce confessions from anti Christmas insurgents.  Terrifying to behold and almost overwhelming in occurrence these noisy, hideous dioramas are proof the war on Christmas has begun to intensify.  And Christmas is beginning to get the upper hand.

It was once thought that Christmas might take a more passive, peaceful approach to the battle being waged.  So often these institutions, large, powerful, and steeped in history, are able to take a "we are willing to wait, and see who runs out of Frankincense first" approach.  Not this time.  Candy cane cannons are primed, elves are armed and production at the North Pole has shifted toward a more sinister purpose.

The North Pole Ambassador to the United Nations has ordered the UN arms inspectors to leave.  And, according to the International Association of Maritime Shipping, there has been a huge increase in the number of inbound shipments of "explosive stuff, and that spells big trouble."

It was obvious from the carnage dripping from every surface that things were heating up.  From the front of large hardware store chains, littered with artificial trees, poinsettias, and strings of lights, to the shelves of grocery stores that had been picked clean of canned cranberries and boxed stuffing (all that is left is packages of fruit cake with no expiration date), to the women's shoe departments of large, fashion stores where several people have been have been disemboweled for a pair of attractive mules, or moderately priced pumps with a low heel... wait, that is not just a Christmas phenomenon, our combat weary veterans report that shoe inspired homicide happens year around, day in and day out, sale, no sale, women go insane while shopping for shoes.  It is probably worse, if possible, this time of year.

One thing is for certain, the war on Christmas is not going away anytime soon and it will probably get a whole lot worse before it gets any better.  It will be very difficult to see who is the winner when this is all over, but one thing we can count on, Bourbon is a wonderful choice for a gift, and we like the big bottles, they last longer.