Gardening, growing a lawn, and enjoying life

Yesterday I planted grass, kind of. It was a bag of patch that my wife bought. But, it had grass seed mixed in with small bits of recycled pulp of some unknown waste product. So, there is a big, kraft paper colored spot on my lawn where there used to be a brown dirt patch with sparse grasssy outposts. Of course, the tufts of grass are still there. Sticking bravely through could be a chewed up wet box. But, soon, with luck, water and unrelenting hope there will be lush grass. Today I am breaking out another bag, my wife goes a little crazy and working on different parts.

Further, I picked the first cucumbers off the vine. A momentous occasion, normally anything I plant ends up dead. Sometimes it dies as I am putting it in the ground. A screaming, piercing death, a noise unlike any I have ever heard, until I deciced to garden. Once, I went out to found one of our tomato plants had uprooted itself, braided bark into a crude rope, fashioned a noose and hanged itself from the tree. It left a note and said, "sorry, Tim, I know you had hopes this year but sooner or later the axe would fall and the anticipation was killing me."

This year, though, things are different, our tomato plants have reached glorious heights and have produced actual tomatoes. Just small, green balls the size of marbles, or golf balls, all clumped together for safety. Predators are everywhere. It brings me a great deal of pride to know that somehow I haven't managed to kill these wonderful, hearty plants. There is still time, but, I think we are going to get along pretty well.

I've started talking to them, nothing too elaborate. Just pleasantries, mostly. "Hey, how are you guys?" 

"We're good." They will say. "Did you see the weather?" Weather is a big topic among plants. It can get a little irritating, but you have to be gentle, they are more tempermental than the president.

"Cool, dry, comfortable. Can I get you guys a drink?" 

"Please, that would be so nice."  

We talk about the various issues facing the world. They think we need to cut back on green house gasses, and try to stop climate change, most plants feel that way. But, they don't get too pushy, they are pretty happy with some water, a little sunlight, and sometimes they enjoy a little music. They really like the Zombies, "She's not there," really gets their leaves moving.

So, the lawn is getting better, and the garden, such as it is, is growing right along. This summer has been kind, and I am content. Please take a look at my latest column on the Wild Word. My life as an insider, kind of. Tell me that ain't a happy guy.

It was not my fault, not all of it, anyway

My aging is kind of a problem. For example my memory. It has improved so dramatically I remember things that didn't even happen. Man, I was a hero, epic and immortal. When things got bad, who did people call?  Well, you know the answer. Not really, mostly my memory is very unflattering, and it seems like I spent most of my life as a dork. But, that is fine, because it doesn't seem to be genetic. My sons seem to be able to manage in social situations. It, it one less thing to worry about, and life offers plenty of opportunities for concern.

1. Phosphorous Deficiencies.
2. Curly Top Virus.
3. Flea Beetles
4. Tobacco Hornworms
5. Fusarium Wilt
6. Bacterial Canker
7. Catfacing
8. Sunscald

And these are just if you are trying to grow tomatoes. Plants are pretty simple things and seemed relatively fool proof, until we decided to garden. 

Now, we have to check the soil acidity, and pH levels. Fertilizer, and water, and sweat, and tears, and they produce a few tasty, but small tomatoes. And then the plants wither and die. But, hope springs eternal, and every year we try.

This year it was two tomato plants and a pepper plant, and we killed them, poor plants. They aren't
dead yet, but they are fading fast. I feel awful. Poor, innocent plants, stuck in the ground, motionless, unable to escape, helpless against the coming catastrophe. I am not sure they understand the hopelessness of the situation.

Next year I might warn them, when we are picking them out, I might add, "this is a suicide mission, you will have no chance of success, and we are looking for volunteers. Any takers?" I will have to do this behind my wife's back, she still believes we might figure this out, and enjoy a bountiful harvest. Poor, innocent wife.

It might be kindness that kills the plants, it might be they need a little discipline. "Grow, damn you!" I don't know.

After looking at our plants our neighbor said we could have some of his tomatoes, a little charity is good for the soul, and the salad, and the bacon, lettuce, tomato sandwich. We will feast tonight.

Spring, a Real Manly Season.

In honor of John joining us on the "information" super highway it seems we should focus on home improvement.  Since it is spring, the weather is warming, the days are getting longer, and it is time to shake off our winter doldrums we are going to focus on gardening during this episode.

As you can see gardening can be a rewarding, wonderful past time.  There are few things that can bring more satisfaction to a man than a well tended flower garden.  Nothing brings more masculine bravado and macho posturing to a weekly poker game than the competitive, annual rites of flower garden braggadocio.

"You guys should jump on your choppers and rumble over to my place and check out my peonies, they look lovely."  One man will say as he pops open a cold beer, strikes a wooden match on his face and lights up one of the biggest, most gawd awful smelling cigars a person can imagine.

"Your peonies are such girly flowers, when you are ready for a real mans garden, climb up into the cabs of  your monster trucks and drive all over the tops of cars, mail boxes and traffic signs to check out my marigolds.  Marigold, that's a real man's flower, now."   Says another as he spits into an empty glass, slams down a shot of whiskey and plays a flush.

"Marigolds are just pest magnets, WUSS!!!!" The first man screams, breaking a sour mash bottle on the edge of the table, waving the jagged neck back and forth menacingly.

Pulling a revolver from a shoulder holster the second man yells "Why you sissy, I ought to"...

On second thought, maybe we will talk about growing tomatoes.  Food crops, that is the real point of gardening, right?

The first, and most important part of growing tomatoes is site selection.  You want an area with 8 hours of sunlight, good drainage, and low ph soil, (whatever that means).

Next you need to prepare the site.  This involves a shovel, and fertilizer and compost (not too sure what that means, but it sounds pretty rugged).  Take your shovel and mix them together, and make one homogeneous mixture, soil, fertilizer, and compost.  Ah, the smell of dirt, fertilizer and compost.  Makes a man proud to be a man.

Now, you dig a hole.  This home gardener went a little too deep.  You just want to bury the roots, not the whole garden.  Carefully place the plant in the small hole and gently cover the roots with the loosened soil.

Next, we need to water, and water, and then we need to water some more.  Oh, and don't forget to fertilize, and watch for bugs, because they love tomato plants.  So, keep your eyes open for cutworms, aphids, psyllids, leaf miners, hornworms, stalk borers, white flies, spider mites, slugs and stink bugs.  Next you need to pray it doesn't get too warm, tomatoes won't  "set fruit" if it is too warm, and hope against all odds we don't have an unseasonable frost, or too many cloudy days.   Dang, how did plants ever survive out in the wild?!!??

Maybe hunting down and catching fresh tomatoes in the super market is where the real action lies.

Don't forget to turn in next week, when we learn how to assemble a counter balance catapult from bags of fertilizer, tomato cages and a slightly used shovel.