The Day Before Pay Day, or Cheating Your Way to the Top.

It is the last day before payday, and things always get a little weird. Even in the fast paced world of high stakes, life altering, history making research people live from check to check. And on the last day caution is the best defense.

I packed a lunch that I could keep in the bottom drawer of my desk, in a box labeled "Beware, Toxic Waste." It had a peanut butter sandwich, a small bag of Parmesan flavored chips, an apple and a thermos of iced coffee, extra cream and sugar, with just a dash of chocolate, man I was looking forward to that. It was safe and secure, away from the starving masses roaming the aisles between the banks of cubicles, asking for scraps.

Some people used to make the mistake of leaving their lunch hanging on the hook that was attached to the back wall of the cubicle. The company, in a generous nod to Christmas had them installed for coats, purses, backpacks, even fanny packs back when they were popular. One day, though, a pack of on site sales people went into a murderous rage over a dented can of chicken tortilla soup that had been hanging in a plastic grocery bag. We had to evacuate the building and replace the microwave oven.

At one people were offering to pay the security personnel, after pay day, to stand guard over the refrigerator, keeping their lunch safe from starving coworkers, excessive bacterial growth, and the overwhelming urge to eat it while sitting at their desk. But, the security people started eating all of the stuff they wanted and bartering the rest for vacation days, comfortable office chairs and parking privileges. Eventually we turned security over to automatons. They don't really work well, but they seem to be incorruptible, so far, and food is safe around them.

Lunch time rolled around and I went to the kitchen/break room. As I rounded the corner there were two members of the accounting department dressed in dirty overalls, straw stuck out of their hair, greasy hats, tilted forward in a way that suggested a complete disregard for societal standards. One of them (Amy) had a cigarette behind her ear, the other (Cassie) a wooden kitchen match. They were holding signs.

"Oh, come on, that will never work." I said. "Nobody is going to give you their lunch to help them cheat on their taxes."

Cassie looked at me and burped. "I am stuffed, just finished a whole pizza, and a chocolate ice cream cone."

"Yeah, and we just got promoted, so this will be our last lunch in the loser's kitchen. Loser." Amy added.

"One of the executives came down and we got all of the servants on his private island added as dependents, he is going to save a bundle." Cassie said, and they gave each a high five. And opened a bottle of beer.

"Congratulations, I am glad to see you moving up," I said. They always hogged the espresso machine anyway.

Tax Advice, from Life Explained.

We thought it might be a good time to cover some of the questions you might have about tax preparation, legal deductions, how to request an extension, and the best method of breaking out of a minimum security prison.  

The number one question we get here at the Life Explained tax preparation hotline is "can I deduct the cost of beer?"  Thirsty in Illinois.

Excellent question, Thirsty.  First, be warned, it is never a good idea to drink beer while preparing your taxes, or breakfast, but that never stopped us.  And, yes you can deduct the cost of beer from your taxes.  The best method is to get a doctor to write a prescription for "beer, a dietary supplement."  If your doctor is too lazy for that use the form 8283 from the IRS, and claim your beer expenses as donations to a tax exempt charity.  It might be a good idea to buy all of your beer from someplace like the Church Beer Works, or Beer Church, the receipts will flow a little more neatly that way.

Another hot topic on the hotline, "I work in an office with a very strict dress code, once a week we have 'grub day,' and are allowed to wear jeans and t-shirts, my question is can I deduct the cost of food if I eat it with my fingers standing over the sink?"  And Hungry Too, in Indiana,

Yes, Hungry Too, you can, up to 75%, it is part of the entertainment expense allowed in publication 463.  Of course you will need documentation proving that it was work related, and if you charge a fee to watch you will need to declare that as found income, taxable at 50%.

And the last question we will cover today. If my accountant is arrested, and facing vigorous prosecution how long should I wait before seeking immunity in a plea bargain deal? And A Little Nervous, in Iowa

Another excellent question, A Little Nervous.That depends on how comfortable you are living in a non extradition country. We recommend Bahrain. 

Here is our tip for the day. Don't forget to floss, but not while you are driving. Don't ask how we know.

Problem solved, sort of.

Many cities and states are still struggling with enormous debt. Budgets are being cut, and often vital services are sacrificed to maintain a balanced budget. When the federal government runs into this problem they have the enviable option of printing more money. And as appealing as that is it would only work if each entity (states, counties, cities, and villages) had its own unique currency. When we ran this by the Office of the Comptroller of Currency (OCC) the Fed (Federal Reserve System), the DoJ (Department of Justice) and the IRS (Department of Insufferable Persecution) we were told that this was a very bad idea and one of us was actually taken outside and shot. Seems they take the exclusive right to print money pretty seriously.

We agreed to drop that idea, and they let the rest of us leave, alive. After a few threats, and promises of terrible retribution.

We still wanted to help the cities and states of this fine country. Years of mismanagement, neglect, and governmental supervision have left them drained, bankrupt and hopeless. Yet, they still have citizens to protect, serve and clean up after. There are parades, fireworks, celebrations all requiring capitol. And people are not keen to give up these ostentatious displays of societal unity, despite the crippling effect on the budget. We are sticking together if it kills us.

We need look no further than the highly profitable world of professional sports for the solution to this crippling problem. Corporate sponsorship. Start small. Auction the naming rights to streets. Imagine the ease with which "Bob's House of Paints Third Avenue" rolls off the tongue.

"Where do you live?"

"At the intersection of Biff's Tattoos Main Street and Sid's Pawn Shop Atlantic Avenue. It is the green house with the brown yard, you can't miss it."

So, we are selling the naming rights to Life Explained. Think of the potential, The Kraft Macaroni and Cheese blog Explaining Life.

You don't want to miss out on this exciting, ground floor opportunity. Break out the check book now, while there is still time. Or, we might just start printing our own money, we do make a striking monetary unit, though.

Can You Help A Brother Out?

In an effort to pay off our debt to Uncle Sam (what kind of Uncle takes money all year, and then demands more in April? We need to get a better class of family) we have decided to offer our services for hire. Welcome to the Life Explained Research and Development Facility Free For All.

Thinking of overthrowing a foreign government? Stop thinking, start overthrowing. Don't have an army bristling with weaponry straight out of Hollywood? Give us a call at 1-800-BUYANARMY. We have several different purchasing options, and a smorgasbord of sizes. We can equip and field a robot army in less than 72 hours. From a small search and destroy squad to immobilize a competitors technology center to enough firepower to cripple a crumbling erstwhile superpower.

Need close air support. Unmanned Arial Assault Vehicles are one of our specialties. If you want to invade an island nation go with our Bomb and Level package, guaranteed to reduce resistance and remove roadblocks all the way to the capitol. If your neighbor's party is a little out of hand, music a little too loud, laughter a little too hurtful to a person left off the guest list, just order our Divine Retribution package. A one time reminder that people have feelings. Please let us know which car is yours, that can be so embarrassing.

Time travel, space exploration, and high school science projects featuring controlled, room temperature fusion are all on sale dirt cheap. We need, well the IRS needs, the money. No reasonable offer will be refused. Unreasonable offers may be welcome as well, as long as they are unreasonably large.

Thank you,

the Management. Life Explained Tax Compliance Department.

Tax worries, let us help.

Today is Saturday, January 30th, 2016.

Today is the perfect day to start preparing your taxes. If the tax code is a bit too complicated for you it might be smart to have a professional accountant perform the task. If you are trying to hide some income, or write off some illegitimate expenses you will want to choose your tax preparation professional carefully.

We here, at Life Explained, Tax and Travel Services, (company motto; There are a lot of beautiful destinations that don't have extradition treaties, and with our help you will have the money, and probably, the need) would like to offer our services.

Send us your tax documents, receipts, statements of earnings, your 1099s. your 1144s, your 1747s, your 1098-Es, anything with a string of numbers and letters, that looks official, and a note, written in pencil, telling us how much you would like to get back. We take care of the rest.

Don't worry about anything. If your documents don't support the level of return you desire we will "cook" up a few extra receipts. We can turn a family vacation into a charitable donation, we can turn a new car into a business expense.



Check out these testimonials;

"Last year Life Explained Tax and Travel got me back more than I paid, more than I made, even. I never knew retiring in Tunisia was even possible." Name withheld due to pending litigation.

"Life Explained Tax and Travel made me even richer, now I can buy more pharmaceutical companies, as soon as I get out." Martin S.

This could be you! Don't hesitate, act now, you are just a postage stamp away from wealth, and Micronesia.


* With the purchase of a meal of equal or greater value

No more free lunches

It has been brought to our attention that the IRS would like to change the rules regarding "employer provided meals." They, presumably, just want their piece of the pie and the cake and the pizza and their slab of the bologna and spam and chopped ham. They just want cut of the meatloaf and the lasagna and the... well, you get the idea.

It is a sad day, here at Life Explained. We enjoy buying lunch, and sometimes dinner, an occasional bottle of wine, maybe some smooth Kentucky bourbon, or 18 year old Scotch, or even tapping a pony keg now and again to honor our hard working associates, It has always been a chance to say "thanks, there has not been one unintended explosion or death this week and we are very grateful."

But, thanks to the greed that is consuming our federal government, and their jack booted legions, that is a thing of the past.

Just to be safe we are not stopping there. What if the IRS decides that the use of the elevator should be considered a perk "equal to the direct cost of the" electricity, and service needed to operate and maintain that elevator. We put a credit card reader on that bad boy.

Wait, we thought, what about water, and hand soap, and toilet paper. What about all of those years all of those freeloaders have been using our refrigerator to keep their puny, petty little lunches cold, and bacteria free? Slamming down cups of company provided coffee, damn. And think of the money we wasted on air conditioning, and heat, so the ingrates could be comfortable. What about all that stuff, whose been footing the bill for that?

We have, that's who! Man, these guys have been playing us for suckers. It makes our skin crawl.

Quick, somebody call the purchasing department on the payphone, in the hallway, and see what kind of deal we can get on coin slots and card readers if we buy them in bulk. Oh, and send a nice thank you basket of muffins to the IRS.



This post was bought to you by the hardworking associates of the IRS.*












*Not really, but we are still looking for sponsors and you guys could use a little good publicity for a change.

New Spending Bill,

Things are starting to break loose in the houses of Congress.  Years of gridlock have taken a toll on the American public, and the attitude toward the nations capitol was turning sour.  Mistrust, and disbelief were becoming the norm.

It was a helpless, feeling of dreadful impotence watching the elected officials who were supposed to be guiding the country through stormy, dangerous times.  With an economy that was languishing in the early stages of recovery, and the world slowly slowly setting itself on fire, America watched with hopeless despair as Washington bickered from one congressional recess to the next.

Now, there seems to be some movement, a slow fracture appearing in the stonewall that had been built over the last several years.

A spending bill has been written and approved.  The nation rejoices, a spending bill, a government shutdown has been averted, and the noose seems to be loosening slightly.  Oh, sure, there is a lot of work to be done, but progress is progress.

Included in the spending bill are provisions to reduce funding for the IRS to punish them for indiscretions involving tax exempt political organizations.  Previously, the IRS was free to indulge in inquisition style audits, and that was alright, private citizens are not really that important.

Wall Street got an early Christmas present, in the form of reduced regulation.  This will make it so much easier to turn a tidy profit trading risky, marginal derivatives.  Derivative is defined as "not original, secondary."  In banking this seems to mean investing money in things generate profit from a secondary source.  Similar to buying a wallet, hoping it is filled with money, that would be nice.  Buried deep inside the spending bill is a provision to bring back Lehman Brothers, and they are hiring Dr. Frankenstein to perform the resurrection.  Just kidding, about Dr. Frankenstein.

But, the real winners are members of Congress, themselves, who somehow managed to sneak a bit of campaign reform past congress.  It was a masterful bit of maneuvering by wily politicians using the pressure of a looming government shutdown to allow politicians to take huge donations from individual donors.  How congress ever got that past congress is a mystery that will take years to unravel.

Here is a graphic representation of the new landscape of American Politics.  It is a brave new world.

Oh The Joys of Spring, and Tax Preparation.

Tax season is here, and we here at Life Explained want you to get every cent you can.  So, we are offering our Tax Preparedness Preparation Course, free of charge.  We know you work hard for your money...  OK, we know you work for your money...  Alright, we know you get money on a schedule for your unique ability to not make things worse, too much, and you want to keep all of the money you can.  Let some other sucker pay for Congress, and the National Parks, you need your money.  With that in mind here are some "Non-Standard" deductions that many alleged tax return preparation professionals will miss.

1.) Don't forget to claim your beer expenses.  It is a medical necessity, an antidote to stress, and the trials of everyday life.  If your doctor will not endorse the necessary forms that is fine, we have a staff of doctors in house who will gladly write the "beer prescription" for you.

2.) Those late night trips to the Taco Hut, and Burger Heaven are charitable donations.  How else are these businesses going to stay open until 2:00 in the morning without some brave, kind soul rushing in to order the Belt Busting Behemoth Burrito, with extra Sour Cream, or the Heapin' Helpin' O' Heaviness Burger, with Secret Cheese Like Sauce.  And, if they didn't stay open until 2:00 every morning, how would the dedicated professionals manning the register, grill and drive through window replace that income.  You are almost a hero.

3.) A lot of people overlook the clothing deduction.  You need clothes to work, and they can be expensive.  Just try showing up for work in your pajamas, or your swimsuit, and soon the legitimacy of the clothing deduction becomes obvious.  And, as far as the IRS is concerned swim wear, and pajamas, are clothes.

Tune in tomorrow when we discuss the best tax sheltered retirement accounts that you can start with the change from your couch.

Don't fret tax season, we are here to help, it is not a difficult process, one even we can understand.  And, in the unlikely case you are audited, we have daily flights to many countries that don't extradite.  With an inflight refreshments, including a small, small drink, and free peanuts, at least 10 but not more than 15.

Dr. Dawg celebrates with a Grateful Nation.

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