Time Stumbles Along.

There is a three day weekend coming at me, it is crawling toward me, a snail trapped in amber, frozen in a glacier. I am running, jogging, really, actually limping as fast as I can to get there, but it doesn't seem to be getting any closer. I'm pretty sure yesterday was Friday, and now I am in the early stages of Thursday wondering what happened. You know the feeling you get when you're standing in a crowded place and you think someone is looking at you, feel it in your bones, certain of it. And you turn around and someone is looking at you, staring right at you, maybe right through you. It's that feeling, only worse.

Where did the time go?
Nowhere, it hasn't moved all week

I'm afraid somehow we have slipped out of the space time continuum. We exist in a void beyond reality. Days shift in and out of focus, time passes in both directions. Minutes collide, recoil and change course. You never know where you will land in these times, Wednesday, Thursday, even Monday, God forbid. Swimming in these waters will stretch your strings and leave you out of tune.

The world has stopped rotating, and only the crushing weight of our disappointment keeps us from sailing off into space. We walk through life pretending it still makes sense, but, deep inside we all know, Labor Day is never going to get here, the weekend will never come.


Swapper's Day in Johnstown will always be just out of reach. Sometimes close enough to feel, you can smell the chicken on the flattop grill, but you can't see it. Sometimes off on the fading horizon, distant, silent, almost a memory. Frozen crowds wait only for the moment to mill aimlessly down the long, narrow paths. A moment that never comes.

One benefit, though, is you have a lot of extra time. So, I got a new app for my phone. I'm not sure what I am going to do with it, but it seems cool and there will be plenty of time to experiment. Here is my first video.

Of course, I could be wrong about the whole time thing. If the weekend ever comes I will have more videos from the big day, the big sale, the outdoor extravaganza. The place to go and see, and enjoy, marvel at the diversity, and the sheer, unpredictable marvelous mess that is the brotherhood of humanity. If I can spend a little time in a place like that I start to believe we might be OK after all.

Broken phones, but our dreams live on.

Our microwave oven has stopped working, and we need to replace it.  It is not as simple as wanting, it is a matter of need. Living without a microwave is nothing that should be attempted in the modern world. That is the plan we are gearing up to execute. My wife has consulted Consumer Reports, and we have decided. She said "this model is rated the 'best buy,'" or something like that.  I said OK.

We are going to do a carbo load (maybe some toast) and juice up with caffeine (coffee for me, Diet Coke for my wife), and tackle the world of electronics stores. Or department stores, or Costco, I am not sure. Either way, we are going shopping, which can be better than a trip to the zoo.  As Graham Parker, one of my heroes said, (we will return to our music series soon, but hey there is a music video at the end, so this counts, sort of)

"I know it seems like we're in a cage, but we ain't the animals."

Personally, I am going to try to steer the trip towards Best Buy, where I can lay down some subtle, irresistible hints about swinging by the mobile phone department and grabbing a hold of an iPhone 6.  Turns out our contract is expired, and as my friend Bil, (with one L) said cell phones are designed to last as long as a contract, then they begin to self destruct.

Interestingly enough, Bil's (with one L) contract expires in two short weeks, actually, the weeks are just normal weeks, with 7 days, and his phone could not wait.  It leaped out of his sweatshirt pocket and threw itself on the parking lot. We take great pride in having a sturdy, solid parking lot. It is featured prominently on the website.

Bil's phone leaped from his pocket, did a back flip, a side tuck, and a complicated aerial maneuver that looked as if it were trying to steer itself away from Bil's flailing, grabbing hands, and smashed screen first onto the rock solid surface of the parking lot.

Which means for the next two long weeks actually, they are just regular length weeks, but to Bil they will seem interminable, as he tries to swipe across his cracked, disintegrating screen without slicing his finger open. We have stocked up on antibiotic cream and bandages just to be safe.

In honor of Bil's phone, and my newest subscriber on YouTube (Half Click Studios, maker of the ingenious Cam Animate, a wonderful app that has taken it's place on my Wall of Fame) I have made this little video with dancing, music, and a broken phone.

So, enjoy the video, and buy the app, Cam Animate, and tell Half Click Studios I sent you, and wish me, and my friend Bil (with one L) good luck.  New phones for my men, barkeep.

Life Explained, the movie.

Good news, for all of you who wondered what it was like to work at a top secret research and development facility.  We have brought in a film crew, (actually it is a guy who works here and owns an iPhone), a big time director (the same guy, allowing him to be the director was the only way he would agree to stay awake for the whole day) and a top flight, big budget special effects lab (ok, it is just an iPhone app, but it is pretty amazing, and it did cost $6.00 or $7.00 dollars (honestly, we were all so excited nobody really remembers how much it cost) which is at least a dozen donuts) to put it all together.

It is kind of exciting, we have the storyboard laid out, using two of our favorite pens.  Casting is going to be a little unconventional, with the expense of the new app, and the donuts, money is a little tight.  But, art is not contingent on,or tied to capitol outlay.

Good news is, there is a rumor, unsubstantiated so far, that Samuel L. Jackson is considering looking into the possibility of taking a bit part, as "scientist 3" or "unnamed engineer" just to say he had a part.  It is against the Screen Actors Guild guidelines to work of donuts, even the tasty ones we prefer.  But, everybody is keen to have their name associated with this project.

In fact, several presidential hopefuls are handing out cabinet appointments, and ambassadorships just to have a spot in the parking scene, a beautiful exchange between two lonely workers, both wanting the same ideal spot, close to the sidewalk, and far from the dumpsters.  Really touching, really emotional, filled with drama, almost guaranteed to get some votes.

There is a lot of excitement, and a little tension, and some bickering over who gets to operate the little clapper thing between scenes.  Those things are pretty cool.  Oh, by the way do any of you have one of those little clapper things they use between scenes we can borrow?  It might get you a shot in the movie.

Well, that was not too bad, we hope.

Last week I got this new app, it is a photo manipulation app, and it is pretty cool.  The excitement was almost overpowering, and the potential seemed limitless, as i dove in.  Co-workers, family members, strangers in line at the grocery store photographed surreptiously, they were all fair game.  However, it fell just a little short, it needed something, but for $2.00 it was a powerful little time killer.   Inspiration, a bolt from the heavens,  "you know, what would be great, if I could take them and make them move around a little."  Nothing elaborate, or complicated, just from one place to another.  Back to the App Store.

There was an animation app that looked pretty fun, easy, and robust, for the price, so I grabbed it.  And it was great.  Taking pictures with my phone, manipulating friends, and family, or strangers into awkward, or humorous situations.  Then saving them to the photo albums to import them into an animation app, and set the whole thing in motion.  Man, this was so cool!  But, then something said "you know what would be really fun, some music, maybe something from a song in the library, right there on the phone.  Man, that would be great."

Here is where it gets really good.  I already have an app that will let me make videos with text, banners, titles, and several transitional effects, and it allows for the addition of a background track using one of the songs in the music collection.  

"WOW, this is fantastic, I can take pictures with my phone, alter them in many ways, using this photo manipulation app, putting my friend or family member on the business end of a bad situation, then using my animation app, rocket them through terrible, and trying circumstances, while being chased by an army of uncomfortable, and unfortunate, situations, only to and add some inspirational music in my video compilation app!  This is great!"

I was so excited, anticipation almost killed me.  And then it hit me, "I have become such a geek."  Without all of the potential profit, of course, or the technical prowess.  But, there is little to be done about it now, and since all of the apps have been paid for, installed, and are screaming for attention, here is my newest movie.  I hope it doesn't make anybody ill.

Amazing new app

Don't forget to download the newest app "Angry Birds Cardinals at the Conclave."  See those really mad birds take on the oldest Christian Institution in a challenging game of choice and responsibility.  It is the greatest Angry Birds app since "The Cardinals Tackle Birth Control."  You won't want to miss it.