Kayak episode two.

My first kayak trip was a success. Actually it was a smashing success, a grand slam homerun, an endless celebration of man and machine working in harmony to overcome the difficulty of getting from point A to to point B, and then back to point A. Point A is where the car was, and the cooler full of bottled water, and snack crackers. And my wife, my patient, lovely wife, who agreed to come with me, and help me get started. She knows I get nervous, she knows I watched so many videos, and still had no level of comfort.

She remembers when I decided to quit smoking and asked the doctor for Chantix. She remembers how I read the personal accounts of the character altering horrors of the drug. I started having side effects before I even started taking the drug. I went from Doctor Meek to Mr. Hyde based on the power of suggestion. Oddly enough, I had all the side effects from the reading about the side effects, and didn't have any from the drug.

Where I kayak, the only time I have kayaked, there is a small boat ramp and several muddy beaches to launch a kayak. I chose the muddy beach, because of the hundreds of videos I watched about launching a kayak the beach looked the least likely to end in humiliation, and if it did there were fewer witnesses, and mud is kind of dirty, but it is a lot softer than a concrete boat ramp. Point A.

Point B was almost everywhere else. I just cruised, and stopped, and looked at the choking, strangling trees that crowded the shore everywhere. It was so peaceful, even knowing that humanity and all of its problems were only minutes away in any direction. For a few brief seconds I was sailing around in a world of my own, Except for all the other kayaks, and a few motor boats, and a lot of people standing on the bank fishing. Richard Byrd, James Bruce, Lewis and Clark never felt the sense of serene amazement I had paddling my little plastic boat around the tiny island.

In fairness they probably did not think, "man, think of the poison ivy growing in that jungle." So I guess it kind of evened out. And they probably did not have a cold bottle of sparkling water waiting for them, and a patient wife who listened to the entire trip as if it were a mission to the moon.

I am going out again this weekend, my wife has agreed to take some pictures of me cruising in my "yak" (that is what us kayakers call them, I guess we are too busy for both syllables) and I will post them here. Next month we are going to vacation on Lake Superior. And I will have my kayak on the big lake, the one "they call gitche gumee."* Trust me, my wife hasn't heard anything yet.

*Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald by Gordon Lightfoot.

The Cloud, and Safety.

Today I saw an ad for a safe place to store your digital stuff.  It was a small, rectangular device, at least according to the illustration which was a drawing, that connected to two other technical devices. Probably the modem that connects a home to the wide world of the internet, and another device that I am not at all sure about. It was all one chain of cabled ideograms designed to imply computational muscle, mindless storage capacity, and unbelievable security, I guess. At least that was my impression.

I love the "Cloud." I use Dropbox, OneDrive, Google Photos, Flickr, I even have and use an iCloud email account. But it has such a limited, skimpy storage capacity I never tell anybody the address. I had to quit using EverNote, it seemed like overkill. I loved the service, and still dream of the days we were together. It just wasn't meant to be though. Of course this iPhone has more memory than the previous set, so maybe it is time to give it a shot. Not that any of this is really important, or even interesting. Don't worry, I will get to the interesting bit here soon. My point is I take "Cloud" storage very seriously.

Keeping my data safe is not really something that I had ever worried about too much. For one thing my wife never trusts me with anything important, or monetary, or remotely valuable. She asked me to scan a small, hand written and illustrated, themed party cook book from her single days, the days before me (I like to think of them as her dark ages), and keep the digital copy safe, and I think I know where it is, maybe. Maybe I will just scan it again tonight before she gets home, just to be safe.

I have a lot of pictures of this parking garage.
 I think somebody else takes pictures
with my phone.

There are a lot of pictures, I take a lot of pictures. Pictures of my family, pictures of my walks, pictures of things that at one point seemed interesting, but now seem odd and out of place. A lot of shaky, fuzzy, and indistinct, pictures, my pictures resemble a casual stroll through an earthquake. Maybe I drink too much coffee.

Most of the other stuff are just things I have written, and plan to improve, hone, perfect, or ruin. Blog posts that need a good finish, or a coherent middle, or something. Some of them are so close it makes me ache thinking of the next sentence. There are ideas for my book, lectures for my middle aged manifesto. I don't really have to worry too much about those, unless an English teacher hacks her way in and leave red marks all over everything. Big failing marks on all my files, maybe that is what the Rolling Stones meant "Hey you, get off of my cloud." Maybe that wouldn't bother me so much, we all, bloggers, writers, novelists, poets, all of us who ever dared to dream of writing. Any of us who were ever foolish enough to lay it down, and put it out there do it just for the sheer pleasure of being read.

A bunch of modern Hemingway gypsy dreamers, and I drink to us all.

Well, here we are, at the end, and I still haven't gotten to anything very interesting. I had such high hopes too. So close, maybe, but no cigars. But, don't give up hope, there is always tomorrow, and I have something interesting planned, No, really.

Fun Facts, Coming soon.

Today is the first post in a series. Fun Facts. Eventually it will be a video blog, but I am feeling too lazy to start that this morning. It is so peaceful, I am the only one up, the clouds are keeping everything a little darker than normal, the coffee (Sumatran) is fantastic, there is no sound except the tapping of keys, even traffic is kind enough to be missing, and making a video requires an extensive series of manipulations that I just am not in the mood to commit.

It would be one thing if I were more technically inclined, but that is not the case. Muddling through a blog post is the best that will happen.

For one thing, I had to make a new graphic. And it is very nice, if I do say so myself. The background is a condemned parking garage I pass often on my lunchtime walks. But, it wasn't that simple because my lack of expertise allowed my thumb to creep into the original shot, so it had to be cropped.*

Here is the abandoned parking garage from the front.

Actually, there is something about this parking garage that is just appealing. I don't know what it is but almost every time I walk past I snap a few photos. It has shown
up on my blog several times. It might be the colors that seem incongruous on a dying building, it might be the decay, and wretchedness in the heart of all the renovation, I don't know, but it calls when I walk by.

Some buildings have a life of their own, even in death. There is an old building just a block away from where I work, it is huge, and has been unoccupied for years. I have dozens of pictures from several angles, and would love to be able to get inside and see what is there.

We love to vacation in Louisville, and sometimes we go down to catch a Cardinal basketball game. The Yum Center where the Cards play is right downtown. Not too far from the arena is an old facade, from a long deceased building. The old brick, and the blue sky make such a dramatic contrast. I love that! Every time we walk past there are several new pictures on my phone.

Anyway, that is all we have time for today in "Life Explained, Fun Facts."

Tune in next time when we will have some fun facts, and a video, maybe.



*Speaking of my thumb in pictures, it might be the biggest publicity seeking, camera hog in history. It shows up in more pictures than my lovely wife, whose smile is the greatest reward imaginable. If thumbs could not be cropped out of pictures I would have given up long ago.

An adventure in mediocrity.

Driving down the freeways of America is a great way to find out a little about yourself.  Without all of the life and civilization intruding into a trip you have time to look inward.  

This unique opportunity for introspection, this chance to examine what is important is so hard to find in today's hyperconnected, constantly plugged in world. Each of us carries ideas, thoughts, dreams, constantly bubbling subcutaneously.  Percolating, flowing, ebbing and waning, waiting to break through. Aching to be discovered. On this trip, for example, an idea came bounding through. Popping out, demanding action. 

I sprang from a packing stupor and downloaded an ecard app (appygraph, if you are interested, and for a free app it is remarkably flexible). I am going to use it to document the trip through the heartland.  I am going to post a progress report on Facebook.

I am not an artistic photographer, my hands shake too much, and my impatience, and haste force me to rush the shot, so I am going to pass the beauty and take pictures of the more ordinary. Figuring it is best to leave the beautiful, spectacular vistas, and gorgeous scenes filled with color, contrast, and all of those important artistic elements to those steady handed, rock solid, keen eyed photo geeks with their expensive cameras and multiple lenses, apertures and focal lengths walking around with bags, and straps, and light meters, acting as though they have some sort of spiritual attachment to the simple practice of pointing a machine at an object and pushing a button, like that takes some divine, instinctive talent… Oops.

Anyway, I will focus on the more average, more typical snapshots of Americana. It will be Postcards From the Mundane.  A series, by Life Explained.

At some point it will become an award winning documentary with musical accompaniment by an artist to be named later.  But, you will not to wait that long, get on the band wagon while there is still room, and the ticket price is still reasonable.

Please join us on our travels here, Our Home on Facebook.

A day in the life.

I have decided to document my life, in photos. When out and about on one of the many adventures that fill an average Life Explained day I will snap photos of things I see then post them here.

To the right are some artificial flowers from an exciting, action packed trip to Taco Bell, where we ordered off the dollar menu.  My wife and I ordered off the dollar menu, anyway.  My son had something called the steak doubledilla.  It cost quite a bit, but it was big, and came in its own box.  It was highly recommended by his friend, who should know quite a bit about food, he works at Donato's Pizza.

And here is a photo from my fun filled joy ride of an adventure to Target to buy some bottled water.  My wife gave me very specific instructions.  Buy six cases of Aquafina, it is on sale.  And, she gave me a coupon, still attached to the advertisement that would trigger an award of a five dollar gift card.  She even binder clipped a gift card to the ad, right by the coupon. I swear she thinks of me as a child.  Hey, I can take care of things, I am a grown man.

The lines were not long, and I waited my turn, patiently, I am an adult, after all. When it was my turn I walked, briskly, efficiently, calmly, in complete control, up to the register.

WHAT?  She didn't clip the coupon.  Now, I would have to tear it off, trying not to rip it in half, in front of the whole store, this was madness!  But, the young man at the register scanned the coupon, and took care of everything, before I could even start to panic, too much.  He handed me my gift card, my receipt, my new gift card, smiled reassuringly and thanked me.

I told him "wow, that was amazing, you were like a machine! That was so fast, and easy."  He thanked me, and I went to the food counter to buy a Coke and a bag of popcorn, which is kind of a ritual and my son was thought we should, so we did.

I have a theory, when you have free refills it demands a certain level of gluttony.  So, I said to my son, "here, give that glass before you put on the lid."  And I was drinking some, maybe a lot.

While I was enjoying my long, delicious drink somebody touched my shoulder from behind and said "sir, can I talk to you."  It scared the bejezus out of me.  I thought for sure they were going to make me pay for another Coke, and my mind was scrambling for a reason to drink extra pop (or soda, or cola, or whatever).  She asked me about the young man at the register, and I said he was great.  In my relief at not being harassed about my sudden, overpowering, unquenchable thirst I started talking a little too fast, and a little too much.  Fortunately I managed to stop short of telling her how much I hate shopping at Target.  I am a rock.

Then it hit me, my life is pretty dull, and considering how quickly I fly into full blown, half crazed agitation, and frenzy it is probably a good thing.  So I have decided to chronicle my life in pictures and make them seem more interesting than they are.  On the right is a picture of the artificial flowers at Taco Bell re-enacting the battle of  Anzio.  And it was pretty convincing too.  On the right is a picture of aliens getting ready to attack Target, Wal-Mart was too crowded, I guess.

Well, that was not too bad, we hope.

Last week I got this new app, it is a photo manipulation app, and it is pretty cool.  The excitement was almost overpowering, and the potential seemed limitless, as i dove in.  Co-workers, family members, strangers in line at the grocery store photographed surreptiously, they were all fair game.  However, it fell just a little short, it needed something, but for $2.00 it was a powerful little time killer.   Inspiration, a bolt from the heavens,  "you know, what would be great, if I could take them and make them move around a little."  Nothing elaborate, or complicated, just from one place to another.  Back to the App Store.

There was an animation app that looked pretty fun, easy, and robust, for the price, so I grabbed it.  And it was great.  Taking pictures with my phone, manipulating friends, and family, or strangers into awkward, or humorous situations.  Then saving them to the photo albums to import them into an animation app, and set the whole thing in motion.  Man, this was so cool!  But, then something said "you know what would be really fun, some music, maybe something from a song in the library, right there on the phone.  Man, that would be great."

Here is where it gets really good.  I already have an app that will let me make videos with text, banners, titles, and several transitional effects, and it allows for the addition of a background track using one of the songs in the music collection.  

"WOW, this is fantastic, I can take pictures with my phone, alter them in many ways, using this photo manipulation app, putting my friend or family member on the business end of a bad situation, then using my animation app, rocket them through terrible, and trying circumstances, while being chased by an army of uncomfortable, and unfortunate, situations, only to and add some inspirational music in my video compilation app!  This is great!"

I was so excited, anticipation almost killed me.  And then it hit me, "I have become such a geek."  Without all of the potential profit, of course, or the technical prowess.  But, there is little to be done about it now, and since all of the apps have been paid for, installed, and are screaming for attention, here is my newest movie.  I hope it doesn't make anybody ill.

It is time to accept reality, but only small bits.

It seems that some one has switched on the accelerator, and it has caused me to age at an abnormal rate.  Looking in the mirror this morning I couldn't help noticing the kindly old man watching me brush my teeth.  Poor, old gentleman, obviously lost, and now stuck in the mirror in the bathroom at our home.  I even asked my wife, "who is that old fool in our bathroom mirror?"  She sighed, and complimented me on such an accurate description.

It is very similar to "The Picture of Dorian Gray," except we are both aging, and quickly, too.  It has been said "the camera adds ten pounds," what is not so widely reported, though, is the fact that the mirror adds at least five, and possibly seven years.  One very important lesson here, don't take a picture of yourself in the mirror.  You won't like what you see.

Many aboriginal tribes feel that cameras will steal their soul, and having a photo taken is disrespectful the spiritual world.  Maybe the translation was imperfect, maybe what they were saying was something along the lines of "goodness, that photo makes me look awful, and is gradually eroding my will to live.  Thank the gods our culture has yet to discover the mirror."  You can see how that could easily be mistranslated, can't you?

But, except for a few aches and pains, and one terribly swollen, sore finger, that my doctor is going to fix right up today, and with luck it will be done lecture free,  I feel pretty good, and will be able to go on writing this blog indefinitely, (in the words of the great Bob Dylan "I got a head full of ideas that are driving me insane) as long as there no reflective surfaces around.

Old habits, and new revenue streams.

Everybody knows that smoking is a dangerous addiction, and the physical, and psychological hold can be difficult to break, certainly.  But, it is also a habit, part of a pattern of behavior that becomes natural, ingrained, part of every day life.  It becomes a rote, another process that runs automatically, finish a task, celebrate with a smoke, getting ready to start a big project, better have a quick cigarette, fresh cup o' coffee, light  a fresh butt.  It just happens, often times without thought.

To quit it is important to change things, rearrange days, create new patterns, and habits.  My first work cigarette was lit right after I arrived.  Right away, I would light up, and then get on with my day.  I needed to change my routines, and find new things.

At the time I had a phone with wifi, and a very good camera (the Kin phone discussed in this post http://tim-thingsastheyare.blogspot.com/2013/04/somber-sort-of-happy-kind-news.html).  I installed my work email and my new habit was taking pictures and emailing them to coworkers.  Many times I would take a picture of their desk, and send it to them with a question "A little late, this morning?"  "It is 7:00 AM, do you know where your coffee cup is?"

It might help to explain that I am normally one of the first to arrive at work (and one of the first to leave, of course).  This aids these sorts of things immensely.

One day I pulled my ultimate email prank.

Nice Monkey

I took this wooden gorilla hanging around down by my co-worker, keeping him safe, watching his back


And hung it like this, using a small art program, "Paint" to add the "X" es to it's eyes, and I added a note saying,

Even nice monkeys can run into problems.

"If you don't want this sort of thing happening to all of your hanging, wooden gorillas leave $5.00 on John's computer keyboard.  Come alone, and don't tell the cops!"  The real genius part of the plan was, I sent it from my computer!  Just so I would get credit, and maybe $5.00.  It saddens me to say, my co-worker, Bil (if anybody from the ASPCA would like to know) did not pay the money, he would rather leave wooden animals to their fate than give up a little coin.


You see, quitting is a process, and you have to make sacrifices, but not $5.00.

Maybe We Should Just Stay Indoors.

Here at Life, Explained we are willing to make any sacrifice necessary to keep you safe in a world filled with danger.  We would be willing to travel to the ends of the world, but thanks to our friend, Susan, we only had to open our Facebook page to find this latest threat to mankind, and we can do that while relaxing in our easy chair, in our slippers, without risk, in climate controlled comfort, if only our wife would bring us another cup of coffee, then we could really get some work done.

From the USA Today, 

A fisherman in Belarus was bitten to death by a beaver, and all he was doing was trying to take its picture, Sky News reports. The man spotted the beaver while fishing with friends at Lake Shestakov, but as he approached to take a photograph, the beaver bit him on the thigh. The animal managed to sever an artery, and his friends couldn't stop the blood flow.

Sky News helpfully reminds us that beavers can, of course, bite through trees. Beaver attacks are rare, though, and when they do occur, rabid beavers are generally to blame (as in the 2012 attack in upstate New York)  But just this week, a video was posted on YouTube showing a beaver going after a Russian man, reports the Telegraph, and two girls were seriously injured after being mauled by a beaver in Virginia last year.

When traveling, or fishing, always remember, that while wild animals may appear cute and cuddly and photogenic as all hell, they are just waiting for a chance to sever an artery, and seal your fate, punch your ticket to the great hereafter, leave you sleeping with fishes (who are out to get you too, coincidentally), send you to the great wildlife refuge in the sky, all dues paid.  Don't let that furry, fuzzy facade fool you, these are vicious, violent, demented, dangerous, destructive demons bent on destroying all mankind and laying claim to the entire planet as the kingdom of the animals....  Oops, sorry about that, we are just so worried about our brothers and sisters in the family of man that we get carried away sometimes.  

The point is, always ask your friend to take the picture for you, that is what friends are for.