Friday, time for a cease fire.

Friday is victory, the battles of the week are over, today is a victory lap.  Yes, there were close calls, and narrow escapes, terrifying confrontations with belligerent Visigoths from the customer service department,(note to self, send a diplomatic envoy to R and D to convey good will, and express a desire to sign a non aggression treaty, and hammer the telephone center with small arms fire from both sides, a good non aggression pact can allow for some real aggression) but that is past, and the cusp of the weekend has arrived.

There are few things in life more precious than Friday, so relish the day, and don't even think about the unrest fomenting in the Mail room, it is a nothing when compared to the liberty of a two days off. Maybe, on Monday, we should think about aligning ourselves with the accounts payable department, they send a lot of mail, and that would be a good way to plant a spy in the mail room, find and exploit the weaknesses.  There is a rumor making the rounds that the folder inserter operator collects salt and pepper shakers in the shape of biblical characters. We might be able to use that to get a little dirt on the supervisor.

It will be so nice to walk out tonight, savoring the aroma of emancipation, knowing that the barbecue tongs are clean, the lawn is mowed, and there are steaks in the refrigerator.  There are few parallels in the modern world, to compare with the elation of Friday.  Don't even think about those Vandals from the legal department snooping around in the hallway, pretending they dropped a push pin and rolled all the way down to your department. Just make sure you didn't throw anything incriminating in the trash. What I like to do is cross out my name and throw it in the waste basket down in the custodial workroom. Don't let them catch you loitering around down there, though, mop handles and broom sticks leave welts and some scars that can't be seen and will never heal.

We are planning to post snipers in the hallway next week in an effort to stop the infiltrators from QC
who keep coming down here to plant booby traps in the coffee machine. Last week, Janet's "World's Greatest Administrative Assistant" mug blew up when she poured in the aerated non-dairy creamer. She was heartbroken. Of course, it didn't really bother anybody else, because nobody really believed she was the "greatest administrative assistant" in the world. Many of us couldn't find proof that she was an administrative assistant at all. But, she did spend 9.95 plus tax on the mug. If anybody knows where we can lay on hands on light artillery pieces we would be grateful.

I feel like I should leave you with a little wisdom, some gem to help you gird up your loins for next week. God knows, any week that starts with a Monday is likely to get bad, before it goes completely dark. Maybe the quote from William Tecumseh Sherman is most appropriate, business "is cruelty. There is no use trying to reform it. The crueler it is, the sooner it will be over."  Oh, and don't forget, performance evaluations are due next Thursday, and there will be cake in the lunch room Monday to celebrate Mother's Day.

McWhopper, McNo McWay. McMaybe

We, here at Life Explained, have been guilty of trying all sorts of bizarre things. We were the first to try aging whiskey in space. The whiskey never made it back, and that space capsule had several dents, and needed a thorough cleaning, thank goodness we only sent 4 bottles. We tried cloning a sheep, and ended up with Scotland declaring war on Ireland (that took a while to straighten out). Obviously, we are no stranger to unique experimentation. But. the McWhopper, that is going too far.

Burger King and McDonald's are bitter enemies, and any collaboration between them would be an abomination. It would be similar to ordering a big plate of gasoline and a cup of fire. Nobody would do that. They don't mix.

In most neighborhoods with both franchises the police have to increase security patrols to keep the counter people from hijacking the customers trying to enter the opponents building. They have actually been known to exchange small arms fire between peak times. There are even rumors of mortar fire, with the potential for bigger artillery pieces, but only for the most profitable franchises.

One night, as I was driving home the Burger King and Ronald McDonald were actually fighting in the parking lot of Taco Bell, whose spokesperson at the time was a small Chihuahua dog. Poor little dog could do nothing except yap incessantly at the clowns rolling around on the pavement. Fortunately Colonel Sanders had an squad of infantry men in the area, who managed to break it up, before either were seriously injured.

Many historians believe the feud goes back to ancient times, when both were plying their wares in carts around Pre-Christian Rome. It was the origin of gladiatorial games, the king and the clown would fight to the death outside the coliseum. People stood and cheered, nobody went inside to see the show. Everybody enjoyed it so much they institutionalized the battle, and added lions. It was quite a scene, I wasn't there mind you, but I have read a little.

Now they might work together, this is biblical, end of days stuff here, my friends. We need to take a stand, "Say No To The McWhopper!"  Unless they use pepperjack cheese and maybe throw on an onion ring that would be great, and they have to ditch the secret sauce, then maybe we can talk. Hey, is it lunchtime yet?

Pretending to be FEARLESS.

Gun

Yesterday, as I was driving home, on the freeway, I approached an overpass, and there were several teenagers, young men, walking across.  One of them stopped, turned toward the highway, made a gun with his finger and pretended to fire on the line of cars.  Being a real, true, red blooded American that was more than I should be asked to endure.

Bigger Gun

I pretended to pull over to the side of the road, grabbed my pretend tripod mounted, belt fed fully automatic HK21E large caliber high capacity machine gun, set it on the hood of my car (after pretending to put down a blanket, no point is scratching the paint, right?), and pretended to return fire.  Sensing he was badly pretend outgunned, the youth dove behind the concrete wall of the overpass and pretended to launch a pretend M67 fragmentation grenade over the wire barricade.

Fortunately, my imaginary friend pretended to throw himself on the fictitious grenade, saving my life, and making for a touching, emotional, yet still masculine, moment, between real men.

Really Big Gun

His pretend, selfless act of bravery inspired me so, I pretended to grab a Light Anti Tank weapon, and blew up the barrier the young man was hiding behind.  In desperation, he pretended to call in a pretend artillery barrage, something heavy, maybe a 155 mm battery.  The pretend explosions were deafening, and everywhere.

I had no choice, it was time to call in a pretend airstrike.  Soon, the sky was filled with pretend aircraft pretending to carpet bomb the area. They pretended to destroy a good portion of the freeway, the overpass and a significant share of Easton Town Center, including P.F. Changs, Abuelos, and the Foot Locker.

But, a pretend ambassador from the pretend United Nations called and made us stop.  Good thing too, because I was about to go pretend nuclear.  That kid will think twice before pretending to shoot at me.