Dreary Holiday

We, here at Life Explained (#lifeexplained) are sorry to announce suspension of the search for intelligent life in the universe.  While it was an exciting, enlightening chase, paying so many benefits in acquired knowledge, and fascinating, useful discoveries, there are too many potential problems.  Since we felt we were so close it is a particularly bitter decision and one made with solemn consideration.  But, there was little choice, considering the many possible results we have no choice but to deep six the whole idea for a while.

Considering how well everybody in the world is getting along we thought it would be a grand idea to try to find some intelligent life on Earth. We started here, at Life Explained (#lifeexplained). Nothing. There was a brief glimmer of hope, in the kitchen. Turned out to be the toaster. A delightful device. It takes ordinary bread, and makes it warm, crispy and delicious. If you take a little butter and some jam it is almost heavenly.

Nothing here. After breakfast (warm, crispy bread) we tried the local grocery store. It was filled with homicidal people. Shopping cart wars. Every aisle was combat. Jingle bells was barely audible over the screams of rage buy the boxed potatoes. We left. Not only was there no intelligent life it looked as if all life there would be extinguished in less than 20 minutes.

The streets were filled with people carrying bags of presents, wrapped in happy, beautiful colors. Glaring, snarling and looking for a fight.

A man dressed as Santa was ringing a bell and standing beside a bucket, attached to a tripod. "Merry
Christmas," he bellowed.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, kiss my ass." A well dressed, kindly looking old woman said, holding her middle finger as high as her arthritic arm would allow.

We gave up the search for intelligent life, and went looking for a drink, and solitude. Misery may love company, but disappointment likes to drink alone.

A Christmas Tale by Life Explained. Part 1

In the spirit of Christmas we, here at Life Explained OH (LEOHNO) have decided to remake the Christmas Carol. We realize there is no way to improve on the writing of someone so talented, and universally esteemed as Charles Dickens, but what the heck, at least we don't have to come up with our own ideas that way.

This may run into several parts, and it may never end, kind of like the Presidential election cycle. So stay tuned.

A Christmas Carol remake.

Eddie ran a small retail shop. Selling shirts, snacks, drinks, hats, almost anything that didn't require a special license. Except cigarettes, he had a license for that, and made big money selling those. Sometimes he didn't even ask for an ID. Not always, it depended on the balance sheet.

It was a small store, in a big building between two department stores, and a mall. The location was perfect. People would see the signs advertising cheap smokes and $1.00 sunglasses in bright green and red looked almost festive. People would stop in for a bottle of water or a candy

He didn't own it, he just "managed" the shop. It was owned by a huge, soulless conglomerate with clawed, unscrupulous tentacles that ran through the very core of society. Giganticore sold cigarettes, chemotherapy treatments and coffins. They owned ice cream shops, bakeries, and weight watchers. They were everywhere.

And Eddie and the corporation loved Christmas, not the holiday, of course, the profits. 

Eddie hired his Mother, his sister, his brother in law and their daughter to work in the shop, and paid them less than minimum wage, unreported, so he had no withholding taxes, and didn't need to pay overtime. 

Eddie and the corporation loved family. 

On Thanksgiving Eddie made the family come to the shop and set up all the sales, rotate the end caps, change the prices, clean from top to bottom, fold the shirts, dust, mop, sticker, and toil. Then for

Thanksgiving dinner he made TV dinners,in the microwave, at the shop, so they would only have to stop working long enough to enjoy the salty, homogeneous tasting items on the cheap cardboard trays.

Eddie talked, during dinner about the importance of being together for the holidays. "Family is everything," he said holding an orange enchilada drooping over a plastic fork. "If it weren't for family we would be like animals, just walking around without a job, and doing nothing to improve the world. Now let's all get back to work. That shelf looks like Santa dropped a dirt bomb on it."

Eddie and his family toiled long into the cold, bleak night. Making the little shop shine like the Star in the East.

By the time they opened the shop at 4:00 in the morning the sweaty smell of hard labor would be gone.




Tune in tomorrow, for "The gods of Christmas Past visit Eddie in his small apartment" or "Hey, would you keep it down with special effects, we're trying to get some sleep here!"

 Spoiler alert, there will be lightning, thunder, and Eddie will lose a toe nail.

Christmas, Time to Gear Up.

It would be a good time to start thinking about the coming apocalypse. Of course we are talking about Christmas.  The need to find the perfect gift, and make sure all the people know who is responsible for such a wonderful gift. Spend enough that it will be regretted until the next Christmas.

Oh, and don't forget the decorations, what would Christmas be without all of the glaring, gaudy lights, and loud, obnoxious sweaters. Oh, and remember the music, no one ever gets enough Christmas music. Make sure it is loud enough to be heard passing asteroids.

Rush around, store to store, snapping at other shoppers, and greedily snatching things off shelves. Snarling, angry, and hostile. What would Christmas be without yelling at a cashier, or stock clerk. Stupid, incompetent minimum wage people, just trying to ruin your holidays.

In the midst of all the mad shopping, baking, decorating, wrapping, and celebrating it is vital you take a enough time to complain endlessly to family, coworkers, clergy people, everybody you can, about how stressful the holidays are for you. Let them know how much you have to do, and how little it is appreciated. People want to know. It won't really be Christmas without that.

But, perhaps most important, regale everyone with tales of Christmas from your youth. How you would chop your own tree using a blade fashioned from the teeth of a long deceased predator. Decorated with the tears of angels shed over the sacrifice of your youth toiling in the coal mines. How your mom would give you a baked potato for lunch and you would carry it in your pocket so it would stay warm. And you and your dozens of siblings would exchange gifts, made by hand from the fruits of a simple existence ripped from the wilds of the new world.

Now that's Christmas.

Finally, a Solution to the worlds problems,

Looking around the world today there is a lot of sadness, a lot of misery, and a lot of loneliness.  People are looking for a friendly voice, a soft shoulder, a warm embrace, something to make them happy, anything.  It is truly one of the tragedies of our time, we have become so enamored of technology, gadgetry, electronics that we have lost our sense of empathy, we are lost souls drifting in an ocean of communication, without no hope of communing.

Ray Davies sang of the 20th century being a mechanical nightmare, and he had a valid complaint, but this is worse, insidious and omnipresent, we can not escape the grasp of our devices, and find our friends.  We can not look past the touch screen to touch the lives of others, unless we can do it online.

What can we do about it?  How can we find even a moments respite, a small, warm touching moment of intimacy, a little warmth, the healthy, caring glow of companionship in a world gone mad with the lunacy of electronics?  You ask.

We, here at Life Explained (#lifeexplained) are glad you asked.  We think having a pet is a wonderful solution.  "But," you might protest, "pets can be so time consuming, demand so much attention, are such a huge commitment,in time and money, how can we justify such an investment?"

We, here at Life Explained (#lifeexplained) are glad you brought that up.  We have instituted the Rent A Pet Program* (RAPP, for short), a unique, inexpensive, commitment free way to have the loving, comforting presence of a pet, without the long term demands of ownership.

You simply email us tweetTweetJohn@yahoo.com with the dates you would like to have a pet, and we will send Dr. Dawg* over to cover the requested days, offering companionship, sympathy and caring, loving friendship, all for one low price.

Imagine coming home to this loving face after a hard thankless day at work.  Picture the joy you would feel having a companion waiting at the door, an understanding, caring pet, that offers nothing but compassion, and love.  No judgement, no demands, just love.  And, if he could make a pan of killer lasagna wouldn't that be even better?

Doesn't that sound joyous?  Wouldn't you like that?  Of course you would.  Act now, while there are still openings in the schedule, the holidays are a very stressful time and we expect a lot of demand, so reserve your Dr. Dawg visit now.

*Dr. Dawg and Rent A Pet are exclusive Life Explained properties, except no substitutes.  Life Explained (#lifeexplained) is not responsible for unfulfilled expectations, or any cardiovascular conditions resulting from consuming the comfort food that Dr. Dawg specializes in making.  Tell your doctor about any heart conditions, hypertension, or lactose intolerance, but, we, here at Life Explained think your doctor probably already knows.