A New Life Explained App, (not really don't get too excited)

Election years are murder on government funded research and development facilities. Sure, the next war monger President will come through with some serious coin for their particular weapon of choice. Probably not like Bush, and Rumsfeld golden years, man those guys knew how to spend some defense capital. But, whoever wins will want to put their mark on history, and the best way to do that is providing the cash to develop a weapon that will bring the enemy to their knees.

Until then we, here at Life Explained, have some free time on our hands, and some room in the company coffers. What better way to take care of both problems than developing a few smart phone apps. People are always goofing around with the silly things.

Of course, a quick glance at the market reveals a glut of almost every type of app imaginable. Games, notes, lists, photo, video, all are covered. Fortunately, for us, here at Life Explained, anyway, there is one category woefully undeveloped. Supernatural Detectors.

Using the latest technology and the most ancient artifacts we combined a cell phone camera with a spell from long forgotten texts and created a powerful tool to detect the presence of the departed. Which was a good start, but duplex communication was needed. We added a binary wave algorithm and the wisdom of Anubis (the Egyptian god of the Underworld) to converse with the ghosts.

Turns out they (the ghosts) are everywhere. Our kitchen and the shipping dock were filled with them. We were so excited, think of the things we could learn, the challenges we could overcome, the wisdom of the ages waiting for us. All things from all time delivered digitally.

Turns out ghosts are pretty dull people. Oh, probably not all of them. Occasionally you will probably run into one that offers some jewel or two. But, far and large most of them just want to talk about food, and drink. A lot of them ask about coffee, and if it is still so tasty. Donuts, sweet rolls, and pastries and frozen burritos are a constant source of fascination.

So, if you want you can buy our ghost hunting app, just don't expect too much.

Winter, a time for real men, and first aid.

Saying farewell to summer, and welcoming winter can be bittersweet, as you put away the shorts, sleeveless shirts and sandals and break out coats, boots, and sweaters, it is easy to remember the joys of summer.  Mowing, raking, baking in the inescapable,  unforgiving sun...  Well, that doesn't sound that good.  Reaching back a little further... ah yes, the joys of summer, the carefree days of sitting in the withering heat trying to catch a fish.

Fishing is a great past time, trying to outsmart an animal, crafty, and cunning, hiding in the depths, a ruthless carnivore, a relentless, tireless predator.  Armed with nothing but a $250.00 dollar rod and reel, several hundred dollars of assorted "tackle," a cooler full of beer, and a fifteen thousand dollar boat.  Morning turns to afternoon, and slides effortlessly into evening, as you match wits with a primitive creature.  Trolling, drifting, setting anchor, nothing works, all day, and not a nibble, enough blood loss to mosquitoes that you may need a transfusion, and a sunburn so bad it might require skin grafts, and not one nibble!  Stupid fish, anyway.  Things will go so much better when you have a new pickup to haul that boat to the lake, then you would be reeling them in.

But, winter is not the time for fishing, (well, ice fishing is popular in some places, but, since that doesn't support this post, so we are going to ignore it) winter is for hunters.  Ah, hunting, there is a past time that is older than humanity.  It is just you, and a five thousand dollar shotgun loaded with shells that cost more than the first several cars you owned, and the birds, facing off in a life and death struggle, may the most evolved species win.

After hours of tromping through wet undergrowth, in arctic conditions you still have not seen your first bird.  Sure, you have heard plenty, as they jump up right behind you, (you must have almost stepped on the stupid things) and fly quickly away, screaming in bird language, "hey, here I am, human, right behind you."  Oh, this is too much.

You are no longer even willing to eat the evil thing, you are convinced it is the same bird, following you throughout the day, jumping up, shouting bird obscenities at you, and flying away.  Enough is too much!  You just want to blow that bird into little pieces, pieces so small it would take a vacuum cleaner to pick the thing up off the ground.  You have a plan, and you are ready.

At the first sound of a bird taking flight, you spin violently around, looking wildly for the malevolent bird, and hit your friend, who is sending a text message, right in the face, with enough force to shatter his nose.  Blood flies everywhere, and he drops his phone in a muddy puddle at his feet.  To further complicate problems, the force of the collision, gun barrel against nose, causes you to pull the trigger, and in what has become typical of the day, the pellets blow out the windshield and puncture the radiator of your wife's car.  Dammit!!!  If only you had spent the extra $3.000 to buy the really good shotgun.

You head to the road, helping your friend, who is starting to look pretty pale, just in time to see the bird wink at you and run into the bushes at the bottom of the ditch.  

Fishing, Hunting, Trying to Get By.

In a recent article, (holy cow, they are getting smart) Scientific American reports that "non-bird reptiles," mainly crocodiles, and alligators use tools to capture birds.  Of course, they don't use those wild looking, net shooting guns, or tasers, (that would make for really big news) rather, they lay sticks across their nose, and when the bird (not-a-non bird reptile) swoops in to pick up the stick for construction of a nest, the crocodile has the bird for a little meal, and, one would assume, has a little chuckle at the bird's stupidity, and probably goes back to work on the petition to have the title changed to non-crocodile reptile, wondering the whole time why the bird gets all of the headlines.

You have to love the circle of life.

Of course, in fairness to birds, the article later explains how birds can use berries, and sometimes even bits of bread to catch fish, or dung to catch dung beetles, (again, casting doubt on the intelligence of birds), so this behavior is not new to (bird, and non-bird) reptiles.  And, don't forget the part about flying, many people still think that is a pretty neat trick.  Evolution has not completely ignored this class of animal.

Life Explained's Division of Scientific Research, Travel and Tourism, and Wildlife Resource Management wondered if there were any other surprising examples of the use of tools as a means to an end in nature.  What they found was surprising.

There were several cases, researched and documented, of men, camouflaging themselves in huge, expensive boats, and tossing shiny, pointy feather covered metal bits tied to a thin plastic rope in the water in an effort to catch fish.  Often, this requires coolers full of beer, and boxes full of exorbitantly priced gear, and gasoline, and cursing, and baking under an unforgiving sun wearing only swim trunks, and a middle aged belly. Sometimes whole weekends will be swallowed by the process.   There are rumors of a few lucky souls who have managed to get a fish into the boat, but there is no proof at this point.

Also, they found proof of men, dressing in forest patterns, covering their face with greasy paint and trompinfg off into snow covered woods, and hiding in little forts built along rivers, armed with huge, expensive weapons, trying desperately to shoot a bird to death.  They have devices to make noise that sound like birds, and they use this to draw them in, and then in a scene reminiscent of the St. Valentines Day Massacre they jump from their place of concealment and blast the livin' bejesus out of the birds.  Sometimes it works, but reports indicate that it is mostly futile.

As is plain to see, birds and fish are crafty, evasive animals, and capturing or killing one is an expensive, time consuming proposition.  How they get caught so often by dumb animals is beyond us.

Round 1 Goes to the Spider.

There are two or three different places I might park my car overnight.  One of them is next to a large, old, evergreen tree, which would be right next to the drivers door.  When I park there a spider (who obviously has compulsive tendencies) , almost without fail, will build a web between my car and the tree.

I never see the web as it is dark when I leave for work.  So, after walking blindly into a large web built by a maniacal spider, who doesn't know when to quit, I thrash around wildly, looking to all the world like a St. Vitus Dance victim.  Followed by the creeping suspicion, all the way to work, that I am covered with spiders.

Of course that is only a bit of paranoia, probably something primal, and ancient, dating back to when men had to fight for existence against hordes of carnivorous spiders, who waited right next to the primitive cars, in primeval parking lots, to ambush early man, and carry him off, throw him on a campfire and cook him up with a side of shallots, and a nice Lambrusco.   In those days spiders were much more civilized, and it was only an evolutionary fluke that made humans the dominant species, maybe.

I know the spider is not in the car, he is sitting in the tree, watching, a slight chuckle breaking the eerie silence of the pine tree residence, but, nobody complains, they all get a little pleasure from my embarrassing display (I hope insects and small animals don't have a user submitted video program).  Already the spider is planning for the next time my car ends up there.

But, I had a plan.  I bought a gun, and waited in my car, hiding in the back seat, tucked away under several jackets that were still in there from last winter, no point in taking them in now, it is almost winter again.  Sure, my wife is going to complain, "they need washed, bring them in."  The bright sun, magnified through the back window has killed any odor causing bacteria by now.  I can easily get one more winter out them.  It is so much more environmentally friendly that way.  Besides, what little smell is left will cover the reek of terror that comes with spider hunting.

Unfortunately, I fell asleep, and the spider built the web, complete with a little sign asking for the best place to buy shallots and Lambrusco.  Well played little spider, you win this round, but the war isn't over yet.

Save when you can!