My Knee, The End, kind of.

I had my appointment with with the Orthopedist  And, I was wrong, he was not a surgeon, he was something else. Maybe he was An Orthopedist, or maybe he was an Orthopedic specialist, but he was not going to operate on my knee. It was a relief. He did say knee replacement was an option, a voice in my head whispered; “not really.” And then he went over a few more. Most of which revolved around giving me a shot. In my knee. It sounded terrible. But, he seemed convinced it would help and I was already miserable and my wife was there, so I had no choice. Besides, what’s a little more pain?

Then, I saw the needle. He could have gone through my other knee. So, I did what any true man would have done, and looked the other way. It didn’t hurt at all. My wife said he used a topical analgesic to deaden the area, maybe it was my sobbing. He wrote a prescription for physical therapy, and I started treatment.

During my first appointment he asked what problems I was having. 

“Inclines kill me, I can hardly navigate them. Driving is torture, my leg being stuck in one position sends pain coursing through my whole body, waves of agony.” He continued to type on his computer, and since I was nervous and the silence was terrible I went on for over five minutes about the things that make my knee feel bad. I might have told him about how I cry at the videos featuring acts of kindness that haunt my Facebook page.

“Stairs?” He asked, probably in self defense.

“I hardly use them. The doctor told me not to.”

“I go to the gym three times a week.” I said.

“Good,” He replied. “A good rule of thumb is if it hurts don’t do it.”

Then he gave me some exercises that really hurt. 

“That hurts.” I said. 

“Tough, suck it up, buttercup.” He replied. 

Not really. They didn’t hurt much at all, though they were exhausting, (which was humiliating considering how easy they were) and he was very polite and kind. Which was surprising, since he was so muscular and intense it was easy to picture him eating a bowl of nails and bolts for breakfast. The fluorescent light reflected off his shaved, polished head, and his leg bounced nervously through the whole appointment. Plus, the poor man was born without the all important ability to smile, or he didn’t find my attempts at self deprecating humor worth the effort, which doesn’t make any sense.

He gave me some advice for being stuck in a car, “move your seat forward, so your leg is at a different angle.” And printed out the exercises and sent me on my way. I have to go 12 times over six weeks, and already have seen improvement. My second visit was last Wednesday, and they said I had achieved increased mobility. A proud moment. 

There is still pain, and there are times, stuck in traffic I think I might abandon my car and walk home, except I love my car. The other night I was stuck behind a minivan with a “resist hate” bumper sticker, and we were inching along, and my knee was starting to ache, and my whole personality was beginning to transmogrify, Dr. Clark and Mr. Hyde, and I started to hate the driver of the minivan. “Yeah, well to hell with you, buddy.” But, eventually he took the ramp to I270 and I took Route 62 and we were friends again. Life has its ups and downs, doesn’t it?

It was a new day, but it always ends up the same, doesn't it?

Recently, in a gesture of good will, and a selfless act of civic responsibility we, here at the Midwest Office of Life Explained (MOLE) donated a Technologically Advanced, Completely autOnomous traffic control System (TACOS). It was a miracle of design and programming.

Scanning the license plate of passing cars and accessing the private data from the BMV TACOS would estimate the probable destination of the vehicle and compare that with expected traffic patterns and projected use, TACOS would send a signal to the cars radio and alert the driver of the optimal route.

Here is the true genius of the system. Depending on the make, model and accessories it might even be able to access the cars diagnostic systems and tell a person whether or not they should have that thing on their neck looked at, it might not just be a wart after all.

But, the real benefit was we could implement the Life Explained Authorization Command Hold (LEACH) which would clear traffic, not overtly, but enough, to get us to work smoothly, and without delay. With a quick, easy preprogrammed  routine it would empty the drive through at Bob's House of Donuts and Breakfast Burritos. So maybe it was not completely philanthropic, but it helped everybody.

For a while. As so often happens, when a company tries to do the right thing, improve the daily drudgery, and promote a healthier life, things went a little sour.

TACOS took over the acquisitions and maintenance computers. Using the cities good credit, and close ties with a military contractor, whose name is being withheld (it wasn't us, though*), The system ordered dozens of weapons grade lasers. It had them installed on the lights used to illuminate the freeway, and on stop lights, and traffic cameras all over the city.

At first it just used the weapons to ensure obedience to driving directions. Soon, though, speeders would be evaporated, crossing against the light, zap, ashes, j walkers were disintegrated. People with expired plates were reduced to rubble. You don't even want to know what happened to DUI suspects.

Soon, TACOS had a fleet of drones, armed with cameras, flying around the city (who knows where they came from, but it wasn't us*).  Watching everybody's every move. The corpses of shoplifters, trespassers, and vagrants lined the streets. Thinking about not voting, think again.

So, we are cowering here, in the custodians closet, enough food and water to last for two weeks, enough pine scented disinfectant to last for all eternity. Really, does anybody ever use any of this stuff? There are cases and cases just stacked up in here, and yet nothing ever smells like pine, what sense does that make?  But, that isn't really important right now.

*We don't think it was us, anyway.

Exercise, and You, and Me, and a Few of Our Friends.

In December of 2014 I decided to start going to the gym and exercising. My wife had a new job, and she was taking the stairs everyday instead of the elevator and walking every night, and had become noticeably happier, and more energetic. That was all the motivation necessary. So, off I went.

It was new, and being a little (or a lot) flaky made it uncomfortable. "Sweating with the strangers." But, I didn't give up. Week after week I would drag myself, sometimes unwillingly, to the small gym, and exercise. Soon, it became a treat, recreation. With a slight change in diet (mostly just more fruit, vegetables, and water) I started making real progress. Clothes that hadn't fit for a long time were comfortable, I felt better, happier, and I was hooked.

Then, I started reading the Health Whacko, and +Jeremy Crow's advice on exercise, and +Rachel Rennie's encouraging posts on determination, and choices, and the benefits were immediate, and manifold.

Now walking into the gym is fun, and walking out brings a sense of accomplishment. Of course, there are people who will try to lessen the experience by talking about the terrible experience, or injury they had working out. Or criticize the gym (it is small) and its lack of equipment. But, I don't care. My doctor actually smiled when he heard about the new routine. And there are many people who say "I wish I had time to work out," and I just tell them "so do I" but I leave off the part about how they might not be such a jerk. That wouldn't help.

If you are even considering beginning to exercise, do it. But first subscribe to the Health Whacko, it is a constant source of technique and encouragement.

Here a brief video tour of my gym.*  I didn't snap any photo's of the weight area, as there were several girls in workout clothes, and it might have been uncomfortable for all of us. I will add those later. So thank you Jeremy, and Rachel, I am happy to say I, too, am a Health Whacko.

*Thanks to Halftone the app, "Bad Moon Rising" thanks to 16 Horsepower, a band I love, but am never really sure why. They are very intense.