United we stand, just not too close together.

It is Easter, and that means spring is beginning to put a stranglehold on the Midwest. With all of the pleasant weather, warm comfortable breezes wafting menacingly across the patios and yards. Oh, it looks like we are stuck right in the middle of the insidious creeping pleasantness.

This may not be the best time to remind everyone about the coming catastrophe. Yes, we still have a gang of degenerates crossing the country, making vague threats, boastful, empty promises, and spending money at an alarming rate.

In brutal terms these people are like an invading army, but they are not trying to capture territory. It is more like an indiscriminate crime spree than an occupation. Groups of wild eyed marauders crashing into an area, and hammering the local population with unbelievably extravagant situations, staying long enough to feel that the people have bent to their will. Once this goal has been reached they load up and they are off to the next group victims.

Don't bother to call the local officials, law enforcement won't intercede on your behalf, they are complicit in the invasion. They even offer "protection" to the invaders. In return for "money" and future considerations.

Our advice. Stay inside and turn off the television. Call in sick, or call in well, "I feel too good to come to work." If strangers knock on your door, act like you have a bad cold, a potentially lethal spring cold, just short of Ebola, and sneeze at them often. Pepper in a tissue will work magic. Trust me they won't stick around long.

Oh, and practice enthusiasm, "I love that guy." No matter the candidate. I can sing the praises of either party, with the zeal of a television evangelist through an alkaloid induced sneeze with such righteous enthusiasm that it even embarrasses me.

If we stick together we can get through this, united we stand as long as we stay in our own homes. So, I will see you in a couple of months, comrade.

Introducing the Third Party Candidate of your dreams.

Tuesday, another day in the grind. Another step in an endless journey. Another brick in the wall. I am drinking yesterdays coffee, and it tastes awful. The sun is shining through the windows, but it is not a friendly warmth, it is a glaring heat. It casts shadows that hide awful surprises. It is a day booby trapped with potential disaster.

Yes, it is the Arizona and the Utah primaries, and that means... Well, I don't know if it really means anything too important. But, people are making a big deal about it, and this primary season has been a little more televised than most.

It might be the presence of a reality television star. It does have the air of outrageous entertainment. The circus has come to town. 

"You flip and you flop under the big white top

As the long legged ring mistress starts and stops

But, you know after all the act is wearing thin, 

as the crowd grows uneasy, and the boos begin."*

A couple of years ago there was a huge backlash against incumbent office holders. Everybody was angry at Washington, and thought there should be a change, a purge, wash away the old, and start fresh. 

Now we have the ultimate outsider and people love him, some people love him anyway.  Some people despise him. But, as Donald Trump said, "you can't make an omelet without busting some heads." **

Traditionalists are worried. It has become American Idol for President. Or professional wrestling for the White House. Nobody would probably be too surprised if some masked behemoth in tights came out and body slammed Donald Trump during a debate.

The stage would erupt in a melee of painful and dangerous looking holds, kicks, and punches. And the winner would be the nominee. I am rooting for the Undertaker myself. "The Legendary Deadman" for president.

Sadly, despite the entertainment value provided by the Republican party this year they are probably still reluctant to go quite that far. But, we shouldn't rule out a third party candidacy. Why stop at three. Maybe Andy Warhol meant we should all have a shot at being a candidate for president. A democracy for the people.

With that in mind, I nominate Bil for president. He is a decent guy, who is fairly good at math and has never held office, of any type. He is the working man's hero, willing to pitch in and help when things get rough, and he has neat penmanship.  

Bil for President, donate now.

*Thank you, Jethro Tull.

** He didn't really say that. I just made it up.

The Time is Now

One week until the Iowa Caucuses. and the country is still waiting, in silent anticipation to find out why Iowa has to go with something like a caucus instead of the more traditional primary. And, what exactly is a "caucus," anyway.

It seems to be kind of a meeting, where everybody sits around and talks about how great the candidates are until either;

A, Everybody gets sick of talking about politics except one person and everybody says "Ok we love your candidate the most." or

B, People find common ground, and work together to choose the candidate that is most reasonable, qualified, and competent, and will work to unite the country, and stem the tide of petty partisan bickering, and venom crippling the federal government. These upstanding citizens of the great state of Iowa will ignore their personal preferences, and any biases or prejudices and choose the best candidate for the country, and the world.

So, I guess we can go with option A, then. And then you kind of wander who ever thought a caucus was a good idea. Probably some loud mouthed, windy gas bag, who was worried he had backed the wrong horse. "Hey, we should talk about this, and then talk about it some more, until everybody agrees with me."

Is that anyway to choose a president? Of course not, what we should do is watch a lot of commercials telling us how bad they are, and then pick the one that seems to be the least likely to really screw things up.

Oh, wait that is how it is already done.

Well, this was a waste of time. Sorry.

Everybody move along, nothing to see here.
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