Under the Big Top

Today we are dealing with our government and the ability to deal with a looming crisis. Zika virus is coming, everybody knows that. A disease that could damage thousands of lives, and Washington is locked in battle over the best way to ignore the potential disaster.

No, not really, Washington is more or less ignoring anything that would require any sort of action. In all fairness, though, they are dealing with an election cycle. For the casual observer this seems like a side show, a traveling circus that comes to town and snarls traffic, ties up news people and flies away, like a thief in the night.

But, in the capital this is the only show in town. People are lining up to get in pictures, and endorse candidates, raise money, and let everybody know they are doing their job, even while they are not doing anything.

So, they keep "working" and the virus keeps inching closer. The airwaves are filled with the ridiculous name calling and finger pointing of the most angry, repugnant group of presidential hopefuls imaginable. And real problems are being ignored. This is not a difficult problem and the solutions are obvious, testing, mosquito control programs and vaccinations are all reliable and only wait for funding. But, our elected officials are very busy not doing anything.

Remind me again why I should vote.

Still undecided, we can help.

Today is the Indiana Presidential Primary. It has all the makings of OK Corral, or the final scene from Highlander, there can be only one. Both parties are teetering on the edge of nomination, and this may be the push needed to plunge into the abyss.

It is the the showdown Cruz has been asking for. A high stakes, high noon duel to the death with "the Trump." Cruz has maintained, for months, that given the opportunity a wave of conservative voters would flood the polls and lift him to victory. With Kasich out of the picture and a state as conservative as Indiana this will be the ultimate test of that theory.

Clinton and Sanders have become locked in a battle of "Woman vs. Socialist."  And the woman is winning. With an assist from Trump proclaiming that she was playing the woman card. In fairness, Trump should talk about Bernie playing the socialist card. He might poll a little better if he had his own card to play.

As the day winds down a nervous country waits for the good people of Indiana to finish placing their bets. It is so hard to say who they will pick. Five candidates who, individually, seem distasteful, but as group they manage to become completely loathsome. Spending millions of dollars to convince America they are not nearly as bad as it appears.

I have never actually trusted a politician, voting has always been a burden.  However,  in every election I can remember there has been one candidate who at least seemed civil, palatable, somebody I could vote for without too much distaste. Not this year. Looking back it doesn't seem like out of all the people who jumped in and declared themselves a candidate could actually carry the "not so bad" mantle.

My only hope is a contested convention (after such a contentious primary campaign it would be fitting) and the candidates will battle throughout, fighting tooth and claw, giving no quarter, until at the end the only person left standing is a decent human being with a noble soul, and a bent for charity. A person whose only desire is to improve the lives of everybody, everywhere. Since that seems unlikely we are endorsing Cthulhu for president.

And now a big announcement.

We have been under a lot of pressure, here at Life Explained, Official Political Investigative Office Division (LE-OPIOD) to endorse a candidate in the Presidential race. However, it has been much more like a Presidential rat race. Or it would be if the candidates weren't acting like such complete jerks. Over the years we've actually been able to learn a few things from rats in laboratories. Try getting these presidential hopefuls to run through a maze for a small piece of cheese. Not on your life.

If you take away the plagues, rabies and certain viral infections rats have actually been useful at times. Giant rats are being used to diagnose tuberculosis in Mozambique. And in Cambodia rats are being trained to find the modern military equivalent of a plague, landmines. We have yet to see any of these candidates do anything so useful.

None of this would even remotely suggest that we are endorsing a rodent for President. That would be absurd. They could never carry the crucial farm vote.

So, we have decided to change our position, it is not like a Presidential Rat Race. It is more like a Presidential Roller Derby. Or it would be if there seemed to be any point in the endless attacks, name calling and endless whining sounds.

In roller derby, they have a group of people working together to perform... We are not sure how points are scored in roller derby. But, we are sure they have at least a couple of people trying to accomplish a shared goal, using a more or less coordinated strategy of violence and intimidation.


We are not suggesting that a roller derby participant run for office. We assume they are too refined for that kind of ridiculous drama. And if we were going to endorse an entertainment figure it would have to be Bob Dylan, because he is Bob Dylan, after all.

We are hoping a candidate will rise above the fray, and win our votes the old fashioned way, whatever that was. If not, we will announce our endorsement on November 5th, everybody loves a winner after all. And we might be able to wrangle a cabinet level position from our backing.

United we stand, just not too close together.

It is Easter, and that means spring is beginning to put a stranglehold on the Midwest. With all of the pleasant weather, warm comfortable breezes wafting menacingly across the patios and yards. Oh, it looks like we are stuck right in the middle of the insidious creeping pleasantness.

This may not be the best time to remind everyone about the coming catastrophe. Yes, we still have a gang of degenerates crossing the country, making vague threats, boastful, empty promises, and spending money at an alarming rate.

In brutal terms these people are like an invading army, but they are not trying to capture territory. It is more like an indiscriminate crime spree than an occupation. Groups of wild eyed marauders crashing into an area, and hammering the local population with unbelievably extravagant situations, staying long enough to feel that the people have bent to their will. Once this goal has been reached they load up and they are off to the next group victims.

Don't bother to call the local officials, law enforcement won't intercede on your behalf, they are complicit in the invasion. They even offer "protection" to the invaders. In return for "money" and future considerations.

Our advice. Stay inside and turn off the television. Call in sick, or call in well, "I feel too good to come to work." If strangers knock on your door, act like you have a bad cold, a potentially lethal spring cold, just short of Ebola, and sneeze at them often. Pepper in a tissue will work magic. Trust me they won't stick around long.

Oh, and practice enthusiasm, "I love that guy." No matter the candidate. I can sing the praises of either party, with the zeal of a television evangelist through an alkaloid induced sneeze with such righteous enthusiasm that it even embarrasses me.

If we stick together we can get through this, united we stand as long as we stay in our own homes. So, I will see you in a couple of months, comrade.

Stupendous, Fantastic Tuesday.

Today is Super Tuesday the 2nd. If something works in America we need to have a sequel, we can't help ourselves. In a way it is surprising that they haven't come up with some a little catchier than Super Tuesday, something along the lines of "Terrific Tuesday, Day of Decision." We love our grandiose titles. But, Super Tuesday in Ohio, and the local press could not be more excited.

And the local stations have a good reason to be excited, too. For one thing political advertisements sell themselves. They could fire the staff that sells commercial air time and still be rolling in the promotional dough. But, after today things will move west, north, a little, east, and south and then people will need to be convinced television commercials are an effective waste of money.

But, for now, things are good, the air ways are filled with candidates and their henchmen comparing and contrasting themselves and their rivals. "I am like a golden swan, bringing peace and joy, wealth, and, happiness. My opponent is the epitome of evil, with a black heart and the soul of a demon. Who might make a wonderful vice president, by the way."

I am reminded of a Peanuts comic strip. It was from the Sunday paper so there were 6 cells and in the first five Lucy is lecturing Snoopy (who is laying peacefully on the top of his dog house) about the intelligence of pigs. Telling Snoopy how much smarter pigs are than dogs. In the last frame Snoopy thinks "If they are so smart why are they pigs?"

Politics present that same riddle. If they are so wholesome, caring, wonderful, compassionate and thoughtful why are they politicians?

Of course that is a terrible way to see things, I realize, but the more I watch, the more it seems obvious none of these people have earned my vote.

Super Tuesday how we will miss you. Too bad you only come once every four years.

Vote For Bob.

The Time is Now

One week until the Iowa Caucuses. and the country is still waiting, in silent anticipation to find out why Iowa has to go with something like a caucus instead of the more traditional primary. And, what exactly is a "caucus," anyway.

It seems to be kind of a meeting, where everybody sits around and talks about how great the candidates are until either;

A, Everybody gets sick of talking about politics except one person and everybody says "Ok we love your candidate the most." or

B, People find common ground, and work together to choose the candidate that is most reasonable, qualified, and competent, and will work to unite the country, and stem the tide of petty partisan bickering, and venom crippling the federal government. These upstanding citizens of the great state of Iowa will ignore their personal preferences, and any biases or prejudices and choose the best candidate for the country, and the world.

So, I guess we can go with option A, then. And then you kind of wander who ever thought a caucus was a good idea. Probably some loud mouthed, windy gas bag, who was worried he had backed the wrong horse. "Hey, we should talk about this, and then talk about it some more, until everybody agrees with me."

Is that anyway to choose a president? Of course not, what we should do is watch a lot of commercials telling us how bad they are, and then pick the one that seems to be the least likely to really screw things up.

Oh, wait that is how it is already done.

Well, this was a waste of time. Sorry.

Everybody move along, nothing to see here.
ow

It is so hard to choose, ok bacon and eggs.

Choices are everywhere. It is a constant companion of life. It starts first thing, get up, hit the snooze button? Coffee, or tea, sausage or bacon, pancakes, or eggs? And it continues, non-stop. Should I do this awful task tomorrow, or the next day? By evening decisions have almost completely sapped the will to live. And then here comes the primary.

It starts slowly, a few candidates driving through Iowa. Stopping, glad handing, talking to local people. 

"It is time we wrestle our country back from the entrenched Washington elitist, power brokers. Bring power back to the people. It is time to restore the greatness of representative government"

Heck yeah, let's do it! Who's going to be the first one up against the wall?

"Hold on, that is not what I meant. Where is the nearest diner so we can get a picture of me eating some apple pie with God fearing, honest, decent, common folk?"

Soon, though, the thin veneer of civility is scraped away. The kid gloves come off, and the brass knuckles are put on. And things get mean. Eventually somebody will say something completely awful, and justify it by pointing out "I am not one who worries about being politically correct."*

That is when it starts, soon all the candidates are running from microphone to microphone, trying to be less politically correct than everybody else. Rudeness and incivility are virtue.

"At long last I have broken free from the oppressive yoke of political correctness! Casting aside the straight jacket brings the freedom to tell you the terrible truth about the lying, corrupt losers who would rob me of my throne."




Everybody would like to see a little more candor, and truth from the people who would be president. But, candor, and truth about their plans, their vision, the methods and means they would use to improve the country. But, once they have escaped from the confines of political correctness they are powerless to stop.

Then it comes full circle, liberated, and ready to rumble they point out how political correctness is ruining our country. It seems a little suspect. Imagine, for a minute, standing in line, at WalMart, and the person in front of you, who may have been in line since the last election, and has groceries, a DVD player, and a vacuum, finally gets to the register. Without so much as a hello, a smile, or a nod of the head the cashier starts scanning the items. The gallon of milk rings up at $75.00 dollars. Do you suppose, even for a minute, when you are being questioned by the police about the incident that you are going to say, "they were both so polite, the customer, and the employee, it was terrible." Probably not.

I am not exactly sure what it means to be politically correct, but unless it involves open hostility, anger, blame, and caustic indifference that is probably not really troubling most people too much. Stores, city streets, there is not an abundance of overt politeness anywhere.

* Of course the number and composure of candidates in this seasons "America's Got a Lot of Damned Gall" have accelerated the process.

Last Night, the Application Process Begins.

Since it is almost the weekend, and there are so many things going on we will make this brief. Today is not the time to find fault with the 10 candidates who were driven like cattle into Cleveland, and forced to confront their most profound insecurities last night.

Who among us has not been looking for a job in a cutthroat world of potential employees? We should take pity on these poor, lost souls who want nothing more than to earn a living an provide for their family. 

In many ways it saddens us, here at Life Explained, that with the popularity of "American Idol," "America's Got Talent," and others, that finding a decent job has turned into such a gladiatorial contest. Each potential associate having to defend a record of employment, and service, in front of a panel of indifferent, callous human resource personnel.

Imagine trying to land a job as a grocery bagger with the other applicants making snide comments about your oafish appearance, and the likelihood of you klutzing a whole container of cottage cheese onto the floor, watching it burst open, and make an awful mess, right in the middle of the rush for Thanksgiving. That would be awful. Who among us could handle that kind of pressure?

Oh, well that makes more sense. We really liked that guy with the hair, he could bag our groceries any time.

Choosing Is Hard, Let Us Do It For You.

Life is a long trip down a difficult path, and there are a lot of choices to be made.  Each decision has consequences.  Most times, though, those are hidden, and it is only after the path has been chosen does the payment come due.  It is really an awful way to live.  

Meeting the what seems to be the perfect person, dating, proposing, or being proposed to, brings joy, there is no time things have looked brighter, or happier.  Turns out your spouse seems to have the disposition of the antichrist, and the personal hygiene of a skunk, but the contract has been signed, anointed by God, and approved by the state.  Being married to a person you can't stand makes a person angry, and less concerned about cleanliness. Dang, that was a bad choice.  

A dream job appears, chasing it consumes a person.  A resume filled with lies, and false achievements, dreamy accomplishments, and fictional duties and responsibilities, who wouldn't hire that person?  But, all of those skills are needed for this position, it is demanding and beyond the scope of the applicant, turning the boss into a hateful, loathsome caricature of a human.  Incomplete responsibilities, unmet expectations and a slothful performance can have that effect on a person.  But, leaving the last job burned too many bridges, and this is life for a while, bad idea.

Walking blindly through life is frightening.  Knowing that mistakes are going to be made is probably not much reassurance.  We here at Life Explained are here to help.

Welcome to the Life Explained University.  Where, for the small fee of $25.00 a month (17 Celsius), we will teach you to make decisions based on The Scientific Principle of Absolute Certainty.   Please, examine the chart below about making the decision to buy a dog.

Should I buy a dog?

Of course this is a very simple option, much easier than deciding whether you should run for President, for example.  We can help you make that choice.  I think we all know who needs our help with that choice, don't we?  Give us a call, of course it will be a little more than the $25.00 fee, but, it is a tough choice, one that requires a lot of circles, boxes, and lines.

You see, presidential hopefuls come to us for help deciding if they should run, if they have any brains at all, which is not a requirement for public office.  You could use our help, too.  In fact, looking at your Facebook page, you should enroll, quickly.  Before it is too late.

Primary Preseason, Where Candidates are Made.

Our internal Presidential Primary is starting to heat up, a little.  Things are mostly civil, but tension is rising, and tempers are, perhaps, a little short.  But, there are moments, terrible, frightening moments where the worst of man, the politician in our otherwise humane and decent employees rises takes control.

Yesterday in the kitchen was one of those moments.  Roberta and Bob, from payroll, were both getting a midmorning pick me up.  Bob was getting a latte, extra foam with shaved chocolate, and caramel.  Roberta was grabbing a banana, strawberry smoothie with crushed pineapple, cream, and whipped topping.

"Hey, it sure is a nice morning, don't you think.  It would be a great day to cut the taxes on the nations largest international conglomerates, to help them generate jobs, wouldn't it?"  Bob asked, looking out the window, admiring the bright sun glinting off the frost covered roofs.  An aroma of espresso, and hot chocolate made him smile.

"It is a beautiful day, Bob," Roberta agreed, looking into the cut crystal goblet holding her frosty drink, she could almost taste the smell of the fresh banana and strawberry, it was intoxicating.  "But, we should probably use the bright light to offer a ray of hope to the poor immigrants who are waiting in limbo, wondering what will become of them."

"It is typical, left wing, bleeding heart crap.  They came to this country illegally, which makes them criminals.  We should deport them, and give those jobs to Americans."

"Yes, Americans are lining up to take jobs, mowing lawns, working in picking onions, and peaches.  Our country is stronger when we welcome those trying to build a new life."

An impromptu debate, this was great.  People were starting to gather around, a circle of spectators waiting for a vigorous exchange of ideas.

For the next several minutes the debate raged, both candidates expressing cognizant theories on the best way to ensure American survival for four more years.  Of course the longer the debate went on, with neither side willing to budge from their position, the more venomous it became.  Soon it was reduced to accusations, and name calling.

Bob scoffed, then added., "whiny little democrat, you will ruin this country.  Wimp"  He turned, and began to shadow box in the mirror like polish of the stainless steel refrigerator.

When he started the Ali Shuffle, and asked his reflection "who's the man?"  Roberta had had enough, and rammed him with her motorized wheel chair.  Bob's knees buckled, and he started to collapse, whimpering,
he was in obvious pain.  Roberta hammered him in the temple with her insulin pump, as he crumpled to the floor.

You could barely hear him say "I withdraw my candidacy for President of the United States."  As Roberta used her oxygen hose to strangle him to unconsciousness.

We really thought Bob was going to have a chance, too, until the concussion.  Well, there are more candidates, more debates, the cycle is really only beginning.  Stay tuned, and don't forget to vote.