To Whom it May Concern, and everybody else.

Recently things have been a little tight, here at Life Explained, Ohio (LEHELLNO). We have had to take a few side jobs. Hey, we all got to eat, right. Taxes ate up a big chunk of our capitol and a few foolish investments, devoured the rest.

The investment that hurt the most was the atomic car. What an idea. Until you run into a Google driverless car, and they get in a huge shouting match, each car blaming the other for the accident, soon they open fire and the car powered by splitting the atom self destructs and levels half of Milwaukee, including the Blatz Brewing Company, and Miller Park, home of the Brewers. It cost a fortune to rebuild, and we had to close our Wisconsin branch permanently.

Anyway we had to take odd jobs to make ends meet. Dr. Dawg is working as a herd dog on a turkey farm down in Southern Ohio. He hates it, but he has taught the turkeys how to organize a labor union. They have petitioned the National Labor Relations Board for Thanksgiving off, and it is looking promising. Unless you were planning on having turkey, that is.

I had to take a job clearing Rebel scum from the galaxy. Fortunately I had read the book "The Idiot's Guide to the Force for Dummies." I wanted to take a job with the rebel alliance, but the brochure "Come over to the Dark Side. We have paid holidays, a retirement plan, dental insurance, and casual Fridays" really got to me.

Plus, the Death Star Juice Bar is first rate, with Endor Forest Fruit Smoothies that are as delicious as they are delightful.

I still get to wear the comfortable blanket looking robe thing, and the hours are pretty good. Management can be a little officious, and the rules are repressive, but, it beats the hell out of tutoring snotty rich kids.

I have to go clean out a facility on the frozen planet. I will talk to you soon.

Sincerely,

Life Explained.

Everybody needs a back up plan.

It was quite an event when the first star wars movie hit theaters, way back in 1977.  People were thrilled with the special effects, and the drama.  It was a smash hit, with clearly defined, easily identified heroes, outnumbered, out gunned, out space shipped by despicable, power mad villains.

An epic battle ended the movie, when a small force of rebel fighters struggling against astronomical odds managed to find an uncovered, minute exhaust vent.  It seemed desperate, and the heroes were falling like snow in a polar vortex.

However, one pilot, who received his training when he used "to bullseye womp rats," on his home planet of Tatooine.  It really did not look promising at this point.  People wanted to leave the theater, it was almost impossible to believe this wet behind the ears kid, who used to bullseye womp rats, was going to blow up a battle ship the size of a planet!

But, something wonderful happened.  Using an ancient practice of unbelievable power and proportion he managed to drop a couple of photon torpedoes, (wait, that might be Star Trek, let me check my facts here real quick, it was proton torpedoes), proton torpedoes right down that exhaust port, blowing up the Death Star, and winning fame, fortune, cash, and the friendship of a Princess, and a callous, crusty, but lovable smuggler and his huge hairy friend.

Act Now, and we will throw in the "Jabba the Hutt,
Cooking for Big Guys"  you only pay the additional
shipping and handling.

Now, for the first time you can use this power to improve your life.  That's right friends for a limited time we are offering a step by step guide to manipulate the power of the universe to improve your measly life.

With this book you will learn to make people think they are looking for some other droids, not yours.   Impress your friends by holding your large, heavy X-wing fighter aloft for several minutes.

The first 500 orders will also receive the Official Obi Wan Kanobe Flashlight Pen / Light Saber.  Perfect for jotting down a quick note, finding your sandwich in a power outage or cutting off the arm of an intergalactic criminal, wanted in seven systems!!!  You only pay the additional shipping and handling.

You had better acti quickly,supplies are limited.

Not for angry people, people whose mothers have been taken by sand people, or people who are fond of the dark side.  Not responsible for any terrible, disfiguring accidents caused by uncontrolled rage, or terrible battles in a fiery droid manufacturing facility.