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Monday, May 13, 2013

Ah, Home Improvement, it Makes You Feel Like a Man.

Today's home improvement tip;  How to fix that annoying squeaky floor.  You know the one that wakes everybody up, when you are trying to sneak into the kitchen for a little snack, around 2:00 in the morning.  Yeah, that would be great if you got rid of that.

You will need a hammer, some shims and a helper, oh and don't forget to stock up on bandages and antibiotic ointment.  If you can't find a hammer, don't worry, just grab a wrench, or a crow bar, or a big screw driver, or even one of your dress shoes.  Danged uncomfortable things, anyway.  In a pinch you can even use that big butcher knife, (remember to hold it by the handle, not the blade) though that is only recommended for the experienced do-it-yourselfer whose major medical insurance is all paid up.  If you don't know what shims are they are like little pieces of wood, kind of angled and thicker on one end, oh just grab some nails, or screws or whatever is laying around.  In a pinch you can just use some salad forks from the kitchen, they are kind of pointless anyway, who needs a different fork for the salad, the bigger the better, am I right.  Remember to practice looking indignant first, because sooner or later someone (like your wife) is going to ask where all the salad forks have gone, and you do not to want to have to explain that.

Next, you will need to go down into the the crawl space.  You know that wooden door that looks like it is  laying at a funny angle a stack of scrap wood on the side of the house?  That is the crawl space opening.  Just open it, come on open it, it is not that heavy.  There you go, good job!

Holy crap, look at the size of that spider web, man I would hate to see the thing that spun that.  Is 
that a hissing sound, mixed with a little eerie kind of chirping?  I definitely smell decay and rot coming from down there, you know someone said something about all of the squirrels in the neighborhood vanishing. 

You know, maybe the squeaking isn't that loud after all.  It wouldn't hurt to cut back on the late night snacks either.