Saturday, I went shopping for clothes with my wife. I was all coffeed up, feeling bold and vigorous, and unstoppable, women's clothing department at Kohl's be damned. Here I come.
Things went pretty well, for the first while. But, slowly I noticed the shoppers moving in coordinated patterns. Sure, it looked random, but a practiced eye could see trouble forming. With each rotation around the sale racks the circle was getting smaller, the trap was closing, the garrote was tightening.
Fortunately, I had seen this movie before and made a mad dash to the safety of the aisle. I could hear several of the women hissing as they glared at me, just out of their reach.
My wife came over and said she was going to the other end of the department. So, I went along. When we arrived I did a quick recon of the layout. Good lines of sight, a lot of room to maneuver, this would be pretty safe.
Standing, watching, waiting, I was caught completely off guard by a woman who managed to fly in under my radar. Crashing wildly through the golf skirts from Ralph Lauren, she clipped the mannequin wearing the Gloria Vanderbilt evening gown and sent it into the display of capri pants for misses. Turning the corner she gathered speed and was bearing down on my position behind the "tank tops and summer blouses" display.
Thinking quickly, I waited until she was less than a meter from my position, and stepped deftly behind the Jennifer Lopez fitted jeans. I had a clear shot to the safety of the aisle.
But, at the last minute two women cut off my escape, each swearing that the dress they had seen last week was "right over here" and both pointing in a different direction.
I had no time to spare, they were blocking my exit the and the baby stroller had recovered and was gathering momentum at the swimwear display. "Ladies," I said, "they are giving away shopping machetes at the service counter to the first 25 customers." That was all it took, they took off running like motorcycles, and I had the safety of the aisle.
Right across the way was the cologne and perfume counter where I saw a bottle of "Hugo" and that made me think of Victor Hugo, which reminded me of "Jump Jump" by Garland Jeffries, so I logged into iTunes and bought the song, right there, next to the combat zone of the women's wear department. Life is funny that way sometimes.
For your enjoyment, I bring you the newest addition to my iPhone.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Hey, thank you, ladies,
There is not much to say, but, for those who find any offense, please remember these are only stories, jokes, and have no relation to reality. Kind of like life.
I like life, and hope it lasts a long time, but it does require some explanation, that is why these blogs exist. To help people navigate times and events that make no sense.
Here are a few places you can find a few things.
The Original Life Explained. Where it all started, a little rambling and a lot of nothing important.
Life Explains The End Views on humanity's race to self extinction. I hope I am wrong.
Life Explains Smiles Because everybody likes it when you smile.
Life Explains Aging Getting older is not always easier, but it is worth the effort. And a few small things can make it much more pleasant.
Life Explains Traveling and Commuting Mostly commuting. Driving bugs me and working bugs me so driving to work is the ultimate insult of modern life, and I like to complain.
Life Explained Explores History. The real problem with history is there is so much of it. It is all over the place. But, if you take the time to look at the small pieces it is fascinating.
Life Explains Music Music is a universal language. I like guitar based rock and roll, but there is a little bit of a lot here.