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Monday, June 24, 2013

Hey, thank you, ladies,

Saturday, I went shopping for clothes with my wife.  I was all coffeed up, feeling bold and vigorous, and unstoppable, women's clothing department at Kohl's be damned.  Here I come.

Things went pretty well, for the first while.  But, slowly I noticed the shoppers moving in coordinated patterns.  Sure, it looked random, but a practiced eye could see trouble forming.  With each rotation around the sale racks the circle was getting smaller, the trap was closing, the garrote was tightening.

Fortunately, I had seen this movie before and made a mad dash to the safety of the aisle.  I could hear several of the women hissing as they glared at me, just out of their reach.

My wife came over and said she was going to the other end of the department.  So, I went along.  When we arrived I did a quick recon of the layout.  Good lines of sight, a lot of room to maneuver, this would be pretty safe.

Standing, watching, waiting, I was caught completely off guard by a woman who managed to fly in under my radar.  Crashing wildly through the golf skirts from Ralph Lauren, she clipped the mannequin wearing the Gloria Vanderbilt evening gown and sent it into the display of capri pants for misses.  Turning the corner she gathered speed and was bearing down on my position behind the "tank tops and summer blouses" display.

Thinking quickly, I waited until she was less than a meter from my position, and stepped deftly behind the Jennifer Lopez fitted jeans.  I had a clear shot to the safety of the aisle.

But, at the last minute two women cut off my escape, each swearing that the dress they had seen last week was "right over here" and both pointing in a different direction.

I had no time to spare, they were blocking my exit the and the baby stroller had recovered and was gathering momentum at the swimwear display.  "Ladies," I said, "they are giving away shopping machetes at the service counter to the first 25 customers."  That was all it took, they took off running like motorcycles, and I had the safety of the aisle.

Right across the way was the cologne and perfume counter where I saw a bottle of "Hugo" and that made me think of Victor Hugo, which reminded me of "Jump Jump" by Garland Jeffries, so I logged into iTunes and bought the song, right there, next to the combat zone of the women's wear department.  Life is funny that way sometimes.

For your enjoyment, I bring you the newest addition to my iPhone.