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Friday, September 20, 2013

Surviving High School, Again, a Parent's Guide.

Last night there were conferences at my son's school.  They used to call them Parent-Teacher Conferences, but teachers did not like being second, we all know who is in charge, after all. And, nobody wanted to pay to change all of the literature, so they just whited out the first part, and left Conferences.

People who have known me a while, and loyal readers of my blog, understand the long, awful, blood stained, history I enjoyed with teachers.  There were some tremendous, barbaric battles, all of which I lost, in a terrible, long, painful, war, which I lost.  Considering how poorly the numbers stacked up, I did ok just making it out alive.

Once I reached escape velocity, and managed to break free of the chains, and shackles of the American Education System there was no looking back.  Until the kids were born.

The nightmares started all over again.  Our youngest son is in high school, so there have been many, many "conferences."  Now, however, he is taking mostly AP (Advanced Placement, I think) classes, as did my older son.  These are not ordinary teachers, no these are the elite, special forces teachers, who have managed to claw, and fight, and garrote their way to the top of the teacher pile, leaving the broken heaps of less dedicated teachers to live off the scraps of mundane, run of the mill high school classes.

Obviously, I have mastered the art of "conferencing" with your modern day high school teacher.  And, I am going to make these tips available, for free, because I care, about you, modern society.

  1.  Never let the teacher sit between you and the door.  It may be your only hope.
  2. Always keep a freshly sharpened #2 pencil concealed in the palm of your hand, in case things get ugly.
  3. Avoid making direct eye contact with the teacher, they will sense the terror.
  4. Make your first statement a denial of all possible fault.  
  5. When running in terror out of the room, don't run in a straight line, always zig-zag, it will make it harder for them to hit you with that icy cold, freeze you in place teacher stare.
Remember, it will only be twelve years, and then you are free, unless you count preschool, and kindergarten.  Oh, and avoid summer school, and dance class, and martial arts.  You are normally, pretty safe with a coach, but stay away from instructors, they are just aspiring teachers who are looking to sharpen their yardstick on you.