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Monday, December 23, 2013

War, and Christmas shopping, not that different.

Yesterday we sent a patrol to reconnoiter the locals stores.  It was a dangerous mission requiring stealth, endurance, discipline, and some level of insanity.  What they found was not pretty.  Sometime between the end of Thanksgiving and yesterday the war on Christmas took a bizarre turn.  It seems Christmas decided to return fire.

There were holiday explosions everywhere, green, red, tinsel, garland and wreath, the garish, festive carnage covers everything.  Several people reported a heavy set, white haired elf, assumed to be jolly, dressed in red, with white cuffs, collars, and lapels, standing at entry ways and on corners, asking not for whom the bell tolls, because they know it tolls for anyone foolish enough to step in front of a moving holiday.

Our fearless scouts reported that there were several scenes almost completely overrun with stockings, ornaments, plastic snowmen and reindeer, and artificial snow.  Music turned up to such a high volume, in order to coerce confessions from anti Christmas insurgents.  Terrifying to behold and almost overwhelming in occurrence these noisy, hideous dioramas are proof the war on Christmas has begun to intensify.  And Christmas is beginning to get the upper hand.

It was once thought that Christmas might take a more passive, peaceful approach to the battle being waged.  So often these institutions, large, powerful, and steeped in history, are able to take a "we are willing to wait, and see who runs out of Frankincense first" approach.  Not this time.  Candy cane cannons are primed, elves are armed and production at the North Pole has shifted toward a more sinister purpose.

The North Pole Ambassador to the United Nations has ordered the UN arms inspectors to leave.  And, according to the International Association of Maritime Shipping, there has been a huge increase in the number of inbound shipments of "explosive stuff, and that spells big trouble."

It was obvious from the carnage dripping from every surface that things were heating up.  From the front of large hardware store chains, littered with artificial trees, poinsettias, and strings of lights, to the shelves of grocery stores that had been picked clean of canned cranberries and boxed stuffing (all that is left is packages of fruit cake with no expiration date), to the women's shoe departments of large, fashion stores where several people have been have been disemboweled for a pair of attractive mules, or moderately priced pumps with a low heel... wait, that is not just a Christmas phenomenon, our combat weary veterans report that shoe inspired homicide happens year around, day in and day out, sale, no sale, women go insane while shopping for shoes.  It is probably worse, if possible, this time of year.

One thing is for certain, the war on Christmas is not going away anytime soon and it will probably get a whole lot worse before it gets any better.  It will be very difficult to see who is the winner when this is all over, but one thing we can count on, Bourbon is a wonderful choice for a gift, and we like the big bottles, they last longer.