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Friday, February 7, 2014

Those daring young people.

It is that time again, time to take the patriotism and nationalistic fervor out of the closet, run the lint roller over the exterior, brush it down, (we recommend using the Kent Handcrafted Clothes Brush, Black Bristle, on sale for $62.04 with free shipping right now), shake it a little, decide that it is too far gone for such a minor, cosmetic fix and rush them over the dry cleaner, for a good refreshing, then decide to run out and buy a new set.  Why wait, that is all we are saying, you work hard, you deserve a few nice things, after all you do for everybody who can begrudge a new...  Oops, sorry about that.

Anyway, it is time to show your pride, your sense of community, your ability to scream incoherently at the TV while watching sports you don't really understand, and haven't even thought about for roughly four years. That's right, the Winter Olympics have arrived.

But, we are here to help you wade through the confusion, we are here to take your hand and walk you gently down the Ice Covered Path to Winter Olympic Gold Medal Hysteria.

First, let's cover the city hosting the games this year.  It is a the largest resort city in Russia, with a population of 343,334.  Which is an amazing feat to have that many people and be able to express it using only 2 digits, there are few cities in the world that can match that sort of exorbitant simplicity, and it may have given them the upper hand when wooing the Olympic organizers.  

It is located on the Black Sea, named after the beautiful, tranquil, blue waters...  Well, we are not sure why it is called the Black Sea, but we are pretty sure that is the name.  Really, no one cares where the games are taking place anyway.  On to the games.

Let's start with the bob sled.  A team of "sledders" start at the top a step, ice covered course.  Lined up by their sled, and as soon as they hear a gunshot they take off running for all they are worth (kind of a natural reaction, if you ask us) pushing their sled, until it is almost ready to drop out of sight over the cliff, when they jump in, holding on for dear life, their screams frozen in their throat by the unbelievable g-force, and fly down the side of the mountain, swooshing wildly around hair pin corners, bouncing from side to side, as the sled, using the forces of inertia, and good sense, tries to escape the insanity by fleeing the course over the side.  But, the sledders have been through this before and using all of their skill and their ability to bargain with a "Higher Power" keep the frightened equipment en route all the way to the bottom, where they receive a hero's welcome, a warm embrace and a powerful sedative, on their way back to the asylum.  Wow, what a ride.

Now, let's move on the Luge.  It is exactly the same as the above, but it is a single rider, on a sled, going feet first, and hoping desperately that he does not suffer compound fractures to both legs before he gets to the bottom, it seems a little crazy.  

Next up on our list of fun filled winter activities; Skeleton, which is like a smaller Luge sled, kind of like a plastic sheet, and hurtle, suicidally down the same course, as the forces of gravity and good sense squeeze their eyes shut as the scenery, and the few, brief last minutes of life flash by, a disaster movie on ice.

We have heard the next big thing in winter sports is tying yourself to a boulder and rolling down a mountain, whoever tears down the most trees will win.  It will be extreme.  Go (please insert your country here)!