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Friday, May 23, 2014

Price is not always the best measure.

How could something so simple go so wrong?  Today was supposed to usher in a new day, a new era.  Today was supposed to bring the company into the 21st Century.  We had spent so much time looking at accounting software, talking to consultants, calling companies who used different software packages, it seemed like everything that could have been considered had been, at length, in depth and thoroughly.

When our new accounting software went live, though, things went horribly, terrifyingly wrong.  First, things hung up, and we needed to reboot the server.  This took a lot longer than it should have, something was not quite right, and the server was grinding, and churning, and there were little whimpering sounds coming from the interior.

After a while it finally came on line, and we waited around Jenny's desk, she is the customer service person closest to the main server bank, watching her load the invoicing module.  Her keyboard shocked her, knocking her backward.  She has a new chair so it rolls very smoothly, and she was almost all the way to the shelf that holds the paper, pens and envelopes before she finally managed to gain control.  She looked a little funny, sitting there, little streams of smoke coming from under the pink collar of her sweater, and the white cuffs of her blouse.

We all stood there, uncertain what action was most appropriate, and least liable to involve lawyers.  Finally, I manged to work up the courage to ask, "are you ok?"

She nodded and said she felt alright, just a little warm.  Our CFO asked, "do you think the new software loads faster?"

As we waited for an answer something on Jenny's desk caught our attention, it was a person, sort of, but only a little.  It said, in a deep, dark, disturbed, chilling voice, "the company is now under our control.  We will accept no insubordination, and there will be no questions."

It grew larger, jumping off the desk, and in it's hand appeared an ax, two headed, and huge, with leather wrapped all the way up the handle, and dark red stains on the both sides of the head.

The being was dressed in a suit, tailored, and superbly fitted to his large, imposing frame, but it was made from some sort of animal hide, his neck tie seemed to resemble some sort of reptile, and almost looked alive.  He swung the ax, with both hands, and cut the filing cabinet in half, sparks flying, and metal screeching.  Then he turned and looked at us.

"We are the keepers of your new accounting software package, and we are in charge.  You will begin to call every one on the list being emailed to you now.  There will be some hesitation and people will be reluctant to purchase our goods, but if you are persistent they will accept a small order, and we will have them.  If you are not persistent, and sales do not increase we will be forced to let some of you go, in a most unpleasant fashion.  In you email is a spreadsheet with goals, and these are not suggestions, these are only minimal beginnings, we are here to make this company as successful as possible."

He turned and headed toward an swirling, steaming, gap that had opened in reality.  As he approached the opening, he turned his head all the way around on his neck, and said, "We are in your computers, and the phone system, and the copier, and everything that is, and we will be watching everything.  Any attempts at insurrection will be dealt with swiftly and severely.  Oh, and don't forget, big company picnic on Memorial Day, it will be a blast, and remember to like us on Facebook, and Twitter, for fun prizes, and great giveaways."

I told them not to get the cheapest software, but nobody listens to me.