Life Explains the Road to Success.

Aching for that promotion? Dying to get ahead? Willing to sabotage the brakes on a co-workers car to get that "Dream Job?" Of course you are, that is why you are here, at the Life Explained Correspondence Course for Applied Management. And that was a wise move, too. We have been climbing the corporate ladder since it was a tree.

Getting that promotion is easy. Anybody with an internet connection, a photo manipulation app, and a little imagination can quickly outmaneuver others in the great getting ahead sweepstakes. A few well placed pictures of your closest rival doing something that could be misconstrued as underhanded is all it will take.

Take this picture, for example. A little edit, add it to the company facebook page with the caption, "Check out Dr. Dawg skulking through the Pentagon looking for military secrets to sell to foreign nationals for serious money. What an adorable little entrepreneur." This removes a competitor from even being considered for your job.*

But, what are you going to do when you get that job and the terrifying, terrible realization that you don't have a snowballs chance in hell of ever getting anything right. What will you do when the awful truth that you have reached the "limits of your incompetence"?

Don't worry. We are here to save you, again.

Try these simple things.

1. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You are still learning, after all. "Hey, would you file this report for me, I am not sure how,,I am new, after all." After they say sure, but before they can add something along the lines of I will be glad to show you how it is done. Say "Great, it needs to be researched, written, edited, proofed, and rewritten, and it has to be done by 11:59 tonight."
2. Attend every meeting, whether you are welcome or not. They might have donuts, for one thing. Plus, you want people to get used to seeing you, Remember frequency can be directly converted to longevity in the feeble, fevered minds of corporate lackeys. "Oh, yeah, that guy has been here forever."
3. Don't be afraid to trumpet your accomplishments, even if they are fiction. When someone talks about how feverishly they have been working on a difficult budget breakdown tell them you have been building a fence around St. Mary's Cathedral to keep the giant rats from eating the parishioners. Of course the CEO asked you to "volunteer." If questioned about the accuracy of your claims (what a bunch of paranoid losers, anyway) show them your appendectomy scar. It is completely unrelated, but it makes people so uncomfortable they shut the hell up in a big damned hurry.

That is enough for one day. It is time for a cheese danish, a big cup of coffee and a power nap. Tune in tomorrow for the best way to win inter office battles over the thermostat, or "how to put the competition on ice."

Thank you,

The Life Explained Division of Education.

*For more helpful tips like this check out our new book "Getting ahead for Dummies, who don't mind cheating a lying."

Making Work More Manageable One Day at a Time.

As the weekend nears, and life begins to take a happier turn, and a little skip finds its way into your step, and a happy, little whistle begins to follow you down the rigorous paths of your workday don't forget to take a moment and think of all of the things that need to be done next Monday.

Remember, it is your job, and the work involved, that really make the weekend seem so special.  So think for a few minutes about all of the toil, and labor waiting for you when you get to work.  Remember the phone calls, or data entry, or order filling, or patient care, think of all the filing, pulling, pushing and shoving, and customer service rat race that is just on the other side of the two day heaven that is so close you can smell the freedom.

Take a few moments, and think about the best way to allocate your time.  Set goals, and plan steps to meet them, remember that tasks are much easier to manage if broken down into small, easily achieved steps.  Making a list is a great idea.  Lists are great, like this;

Together we can do anything
Want a cup of Coffee?

Large Difficult Goal!

1. Small, manageable step.
2. Next step, hey this is great.
3. Another step.
4. Doing so well, taking a coffee break.
5. Stop and talk to Bob about the football game.
6. Donuts in the kitchen, great!
7. Well, what the heck, almost lunch time
8. Great article on the internet about spiders, check it out
9. Oh crap, forgot to order new earbuds, might as well compare a few styles.
10. You know, Bob is an idiot, go talk to Ted about football game.
11. Thirst overpowering go to vending machine, buy Coke.  
12. Go tell Bob, Ted thinks he is an idiot.
13. Almost time to go home, no point starting anything now.
14. If you're not going to start anything, might as well split.
15. See you tomorrow, 

See, now that you have a plan the weekend will be much more enjoyable.  You're welcome.

Price is not always the best measure.

How could something so simple go so wrong?  Today was supposed to usher in a new day, a new era.  Today was supposed to bring the company into the 21st Century.  We had spent so much time looking at accounting software, talking to consultants, calling companies who used different software packages, it seemed like everything that could have been considered had been, at length, in depth and thoroughly.

When our new accounting software went live, though, things went horribly, terrifyingly wrong.  First, things hung up, and we needed to reboot the server.  This took a lot longer than it should have, something was not quite right, and the server was grinding, and churning, and there were little whimpering sounds coming from the interior.

After a while it finally came on line, and we waited around Jenny's desk, she is the customer service person closest to the main server bank, watching her load the invoicing module.  Her keyboard shocked her, knocking her backward.  She has a new chair so it rolls very smoothly, and she was almost all the way to the shelf that holds the paper, pens and envelopes before she finally managed to gain control.  She looked a little funny, sitting there, little streams of smoke coming from under the pink collar of her sweater, and the white cuffs of her blouse.

We all stood there, uncertain what action was most appropriate, and least liable to involve lawyers.  Finally, I manged to work up the courage to ask, "are you ok?"

She nodded and said she felt alright, just a little warm.  Our CFO asked, "do you think the new software loads faster?"

As we waited for an answer something on Jenny's desk caught our attention, it was a person, sort of, but only a little.  It said, in a deep, dark, disturbed, chilling voice, "the company is now under our control.  We will accept no insubordination, and there will be no questions."

It grew larger, jumping off the desk, and in it's hand appeared an ax, two headed, and huge, with leather wrapped all the way up the handle, and dark red stains on the both sides of the head.

The being was dressed in a suit, tailored, and superbly fitted to his large, imposing frame, but it was made from some sort of animal hide, his neck tie seemed to resemble some sort of reptile, and almost looked alive.  He swung the ax, with both hands, and cut the filing cabinet in half, sparks flying, and metal screeching.  Then he turned and looked at us.

"We are the keepers of your new accounting software package, and we are in charge.  You will begin to call every one on the list being emailed to you now.  There will be some hesitation and people will be reluctant to purchase our goods, but if you are persistent they will accept a small order, and we will have them.  If you are not persistent, and sales do not increase we will be forced to let some of you go, in a most unpleasant fashion.  In you email is a spreadsheet with goals, and these are not suggestions, these are only minimal beginnings, we are here to make this company as successful as possible."

He turned and headed toward an swirling, steaming, gap that had opened in reality.  As he approached the opening, he turned his head all the way around on his neck, and said, "We are in your computers, and the phone system, and the copier, and everything that is, and we will be watching everything.  Any attempts at insurrection will be dealt with swiftly and severely.  Oh, and don't forget, big company picnic on Memorial Day, it will be a blast, and remember to like us on Facebook, and Twitter, for fun prizes, and great giveaways."

I told them not to get the cheapest software, but nobody listens to me.

Managerial Styles,

Lately, we here at Life, Explained, have begun a long trek backward, through time, in an effort to understand the present, perhaps explain our current predicament, maybe offer a path out of the morass in which humanity finds itself mired.  It is difficult, dangerous work, but we are happy to do it, that's right, we are happy doing difficult, dangerous work if you, the Life Explained Universe benefits, even a little.  It is what we do.  The real problem with history, though, is the quantity, it just goes on and on, and no matter where you start it always leads to something else.  Still, if one has iron like resolve, and a keen eye for detail, there are many valuable lessons to be learned by the observant time traveler.

We will start with management styles throughout the ages.  Genghis Khan was a guy who got stuff done.  He was a brilliant motivator, with a hands on style that inspired his subordinates, worried competitors, garnered loyalty, and produced results.  There was no attendance/tardiness policy, people didn't hang around chatting by the elevator, no small talk over oatmeal, toast and fresh squeezed juice in the kitchen.  As a result of his no-nonsense practices the Mongol Conglomerate and Associates controlled between 11 and 12 million contiguous square miles, from the Sea of Japan all the way to the Caspian Sea.  That is market share that Apple and Coca Cola only dream about.

Sure, in today's namby-pamby, wussified, decadent, decaying, squishy soft corporate environment the Khan's management practices would be frowned upon.  For example, he had everything arranged in sequences of ten, and if you were negotiating a "corporate restructuring," and two of the members of your "executive council" decided to "pursue less stressful avenues of employment" somewhere quieter and more sedate you were all "let go."  It was an exit interview best avoided.

 One of the many benefits of employment with the Khan was travel.  His staff would take extended recruiting trips to foreign, exotic places filled with interesting, diverse people.  Sometimes things would not go well, and the hosts would not accept the generous offer of employment, and a long, healthy life, and things might get tense, and tumultuous, but no job is without stress.  Remember the old saying, "you can't make an omelet without destroying a city, crushing its defenses, razing its buildings, and slaughtering its inhabitants."  And the Mongols really liked omelets.

Of course, everything old is new again, so some day we will see the rise of the next great motivator, a man who can bring people together, and lead by example.  Until then I am going to fix myself a sandwich, and some cocoa, hang out in the break room and watch some streaming video on my iPhone, and maybe sharpen my war ax, just in case.

Good tidings, kind of, a little.

I work in the distribution biz.  We distribute, mostly, designer driven, fashionable, somewhat useful home decor items.  In this business there is a wide margin of speculation, and no small amount of guesswork.  Sometimes too many things are ordered, and this can lead to some uncomfortable space considerations.  These become my problem, I am the "distribution center manager," a title that rests painfully on the brow.  You see, as a manager, I make a very good blogger, as a blogger, maybe not so much.

It was an accident, like most things in my life, that led to this job.  And, when I got here my first thought was "wow, these people are crazy, working all sorts of insane hours," and lifting and moving and carrying the weight of an entire industry in a small 4 story building.  But, I needed to stay a while, if my wife missed another vacation because I changed jobs it would have been war.  Eventually, they promoted me to manager, maybe because I was the tallest, that makes as much sense as anything.

For a long time the biggest problem was trying to use existing space to store increasing amounts of new stuff.  But, eventually, demand started creeping up on supply (see, that is a distribution reference, cool, huh?), it hasn't quite caught up, but supply is starting to sweat, and spends a lot of time looking over it's shoulder.

This means, in non distribution professional terms, that business is beginning to improve.  I have empirical evidence of this, too.  Check out the redundancy we have recently installed in our "Vitally Important Warehouse Dog Department!"  Never again will we be dogless while slaving and toiling to decorate the world. 

Our dog staff, here to serve you.

Anyway, here is where strong managerial skills are requisite.  Things coming in, going out, and being altered in between, taking big ones (full boxes of stuff) and making them into little ones (smaller boxes with a lot of different stuff).  A steady hand, a gentle voice, and a firm but fair demeanor is vital.

They have me instead.  I fall apart so quickly there are shrapnel injuries, and first aid is way beyond my abilities.  Band aid?  They are over there, employee disciplinary forms, please grab one of each.  After all, blood is filled with pathogens, and who knows where these people have been.  Please schedule your injuries during my lunch break, and it would be better if they could happen at home, I will be on vacation in July, can you wait?

An associate called in and said she couldn't work for a couple of days, she was sick.

"Dammit, I mean, are you sure?"  I asked sympathetically, as sympathetically as possible when thinking, "now, I am stuck doing her stuff."

"I went to the doctor, he said I have an acute, viral infection, and needed to take a couple of days off."  She said, a little angry, she has always been kind of a baby.

"What's your doctor's number, I will see if I can get you a reprieve."  Always the helper.

"You're not calling my doctor, Tim.  I will see you when I feel better."  Some people just don't want to be helped.

"OK, I hope you get to feeling better, by tomorrow." The power of persuasion, that is management 101 right there, my friend.  I am kind of getting the hang of this.

Winning the InterOffice War and Reducing Stress #SaveThePlus

Research has indicated that stress is a very bad thing.  Stress has been linked to heart disease, hypertension, high cholesterol, drug and alcohol addiction, tooth decay and gingivitis, and chronic fatigue.  It has been estimated that 90% of all doctors office visits are for stress related ailments.  These factors combine to cost the American economy billions* of dollars every year.  Is there a way to eliminate stress, remove it from the harried pace of modern life?  Can people manage to be productive, and somehow reduce the amount of stress?  Can the great engine of American Industry and Service Related Occupations find a middle ground, and still make billions for share holders and executives without driving mid level personnel and their subordinates into an early grave with the constant demand for larger margins, and increased profits?  No, probably not.  So it falls on the individual to somehow manage the overwhelming stress that comes with these herculean expectations.

Don't worry though, stress can actually be healthy.  Not if you are experiencing it, of course, you need to pass it on, and watch it's effects on others to enjoy the benefits of what is now being called "The Joys of Stress."  

Step 1 is picking a co-worker, somebody who is kind of a jerk, with a reputation for rage, an
uncontrollable, seething cauldron of anger.  The kind of guy who gets results by driving his employees into the ground, a driven, hateful, vengeful bastard that "the man" loves and is fast tracking to the top.  After finding the candidate start forwarding all of your emails to him, with requests like "hey can you handle this, my plate is kind of full?"  Even when your wife emails the instructions, "pick up some lima beans and corn, we are having succotash for dinner."  Send it right away.  "Hey, take care of this, would you?  I am swamped."

If he complains just point out to everyone, "I was only trying to reach out to the guy."  Nobody will criticize you for "reaching out" to the guy.  It is the most popular activity in business these days.  You can almost hear Little Eva singing,

"Everybody's doing a brand new dance now,

C'mon baby reach out to your coworkers by asking them to do 

Meaningless, trivial tasks that are beneath you,

You know you'll get to like it 

If you give it a chance now."

And to really sell the deal throw in a few words about "team building," and "communicated expectations," and don't forget to add a few "empowerments" and "action points."  

Soon, you will feel the stress slipping away, as you retire to your "happy place" filled with creamy, sugary, iced coffees, and life sustaining pastries.  While the former VP candidate wrestles with his own inability to complete assigned tasks, guide his associates, meet goals, and enjoys a savory dish consisting of corn and shell beans.  

Tune in tomorrow, when we discuss "Delegation, The Key To Sloth."

* Exact figures are not available, and would be too stressful, anyway.

Project management, for the busy professional.

Today we are going to learn how to finish large projects almost effortlessly.  Many times a new undertaking can seem overwhelming.  What if you wanted to build a really big boat, to transport shipping containers across the ocean.  That would seem almost impossible, wouldn't it?  But, if you break it down into small parts it becomes a series of manageable, easy, fun steps.

"Hey, Bob, is that a fully functional, high capacity,
two wheel dolly, or are you just happy to see me?"

1.) Get some steel.  Shouldn't be hard.
2.) Get a really hot furnace.  Ok, that seems easy enough.
3.) Warm the steel up and bend it until it looks like a boat.

See that was not so hard, was it?  Of course, we left out a few small parts, like engines and paint, and that big thing that makes the ship turn.  But, each can be accomplished using the same careful allocation of resources.

Not everybody is lucky enough to build boats, though.  Some people are forced to labor endlessly in a privately held company, greasing the wheels of commerce, by importing and exporting designer fashion accessories, from and to places that sound interesting and exotic.  Even though, they are filled with things like cholera, E coli, scabies (we don't know what that is, but we are not going to look into it, after reading about viral hemorrhagic fevers we know everything we want to know about hideous foreign diseases, thank you).  Not to mention faced sized spiders, and aggressive, venomous snakes, and...  Sorry about that.

Anyway, some people need to labor in front of a computer monitor, turning a stack of paper into a coherent, attractive commercial invoice and packing slip, suitable for framing, or customs.  It seems a little intimidating, at first, until you think about it, and break the task into small, easy to manage steps.

First, you will need to sort the papers into the proper order.  That way your work will flow, logically, and reasonably, start to finish.

But, a cup of coffee would be good, so let's start there.  Hey, while we are up there, look to see if there are any donuts, or cookies.  If not, somebody left a frozen burrito, they will never miss it, it has been there for weeks, calling your name.  Just eat it, well first heat it up, it will be a lot better then.  Check if there is any salsa or hot sauce, we will keep an eye open for any angry burrito owners.

Next, we need to open the template for invoice creation.  You know, you should check Facebook first, see what's up.  Also, there are rumors of a video showing a bulldog, and a monkey, riding a motorcycle, wearing dresses, on YouTube, that would be funny, check it out.   As long as the internet is up, check the price of steel, and a really hot furnace, we could start building some boats, that sounds easy, and probably pretty profitable, too.

OK, on to business, check to see if there were any back-ordered items.  First, though, let's go get a Coke and some ice, that salsa was hot.

It is too late to really start anything so complicated as an invoice.  What do you say we call it a day, and Monday we will burn through the paperwork.  It has been a hectic afternoon, you must be exhausted.