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Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Stage Two, The Mind Games of Getting Ahead.

Now that you have made it to Tuesday, it seems to be a good time to consolidate the gains made, at the expense of all of the slovenly, weekend loving, coffee shop supporting slackers, yesterday.  There is no better time to use your new found power, and prestige to smash your enemies co-workers than when they are feeling low, and unappreciated.

It is time to enter the psychological warfare portion of the multi pronged campaign to increase your standing in the company.  When you see an associate getting water, coffee, a snack, from the kitchen drop a casual hint about their diminishing chances of maintaining employment.  Something casual, friendly, and innocuous, for example, "oh, Bob, I saw the VP of sales, and he wanted to see everybody who is anyway important, or even significant, in conference room A, at 1:00, so can you watch the phones?  Thanks, you're the best."  Here, it is best to leave before Bob has a chance to say anything, it is just cruel to let him think you care what he has to say.

An easy, yet often overlooked ploy, requires a little investment of time and cash, but can reap real benefits.  Stop on your way to work, and buy a donut or two, or three, asking specifically for one of the boxes that normally contain a dozen.  Eat the donuts on the way to work, (who doesn't love donuts, (besides my doctor?)) and leave the empty box in the kitchen.  Hurry back to your computer, and send a message that there are donuts in the breakroom.  When your biggest rival rushes wildly toward the free donuts, trying to smash his way past all of the other contestants, bouncing off walls and elbowing violently to get there before all of the tasty, delicious, cream filled treasures are gone, walk casually over to his computer, and send an email to the head custodian, including the entire company in the blind copy field, saying "I long for your tender, cleansing caress, and yearn for your antiseptic, slightly ammonia, aroma."

Nothing makes for a more fulfilling day than sabotage, and donuts.  It might be time for a little nap, and dreams of conquest, as the people around you stew in the juices of your victories, ah the sweet smell of success.  Don't forget to tune in tomorrow when we will discuss the best ways to decorate using momentos stolen from the cubicles of vanquished co-workers, and making an entertaining, and marginally humiliating montage from other peoples abandoned vacation photos.