Happy Birthday, Quick and Easy.

I work at a small company. Less than twenty employees. It is a friendly group, and corps d'esprit is valued, and extremely important to the owners. To that end we celebrate everybody's birthday with a card signed by everyone and normally a cake.

Having been here a long time, and been through countless birthday celebrations you run out of things to say.  "Happy Birthday! You are a valued asset to the company." only goes so far. After a while I would add a line about their actual value, in dollars and cents. Unfortunately sometimes I had to report "you are a debit to the company, and they are thinking of cutting you loose."

A random quote generator helped for a while. "If at first you don't succeed why go on and make a fool of yourself?" "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." But that got old.

I started making things up, figuring nobody ever read them anyway. "Happy Birthday. Without you as a coworker my life would be an endless torment, a living hell." or one of my favorites. "Happy Birthday! We all notice you've put on a little weight, that is why Mable made a fat free cake, it tastes like cardboard, only drier. But at least you might be able to button your pants tomorrow, tubby!"

For a brief time I used words cut from magazines. I would paste them on the card, and make demands for cash. Of course then I would sign someone else's name.

Bil

After a while that got old, so I started copying somebody else's birthday wishes word for word. I wouldn't even try to find the best wish, just random, throwing a dart, and pow, some mushy, saccharine, diabetes inducing love fest, times two. But, soon that grew tiring, and I started to worry, maybe there was a better one to copy, maybe I was picking a second rate birthday wish. And it was a lot more work than I wanted to perform.

Now, I just pick a birthday wish that seems appropriately long, cross out the name below it and sign mine. I am thinking of asking for a raise, it isn't often an associate strives so tirelessly for efficiency.

Stage Two, The Mind Games of Getting Ahead.

Now that you have made it to Tuesday, it seems to be a good time to consolidate the gains made, at the expense of all of the slovenly, weekend loving, coffee shop supporting slackers, yesterday.  There is no better time to use your new found power, and prestige to smash your enemies co-workers than when they are feeling low, and unappreciated.

It is time to enter the psychological warfare portion of the multi pronged campaign to increase your standing in the company.  When you see an associate getting water, coffee, a snack, from the kitchen drop a casual hint about their diminishing chances of maintaining employment.  Something casual, friendly, and innocuous, for example, "oh, Bob, I saw the VP of sales, and he wanted to see everybody who is anyway important, or even significant, in conference room A, at 1:00, so can you watch the phones?  Thanks, you're the best."  Here, it is best to leave before Bob has a chance to say anything, it is just cruel to let him think you care what he has to say.

An easy, yet often overlooked ploy, requires a little investment of time and cash, but can reap real benefits.  Stop on your way to work, and buy a donut or two, or three, asking specifically for one of the boxes that normally contain a dozen.  Eat the donuts on the way to work, (who doesn't love donuts, (besides my doctor?)) and leave the empty box in the kitchen.  Hurry back to your computer, and send a message that there are donuts in the breakroom.  When your biggest rival rushes wildly toward the free donuts, trying to smash his way past all of the other contestants, bouncing off walls and elbowing violently to get there before all of the tasty, delicious, cream filled treasures are gone, walk casually over to his computer, and send an email to the head custodian, including the entire company in the blind copy field, saying "I long for your tender, cleansing caress, and yearn for your antiseptic, slightly ammonia, aroma."

Nothing makes for a more fulfilling day than sabotage, and donuts.  It might be time for a little nap, and dreams of conquest, as the people around you stew in the juices of your victories, ah the sweet smell of success.  Don't forget to tune in tomorrow when we will discuss the best ways to decorate using momentos stolen from the cubicles of vanquished co-workers, and making an entertaining, and marginally humiliating montage from other peoples abandoned vacation photos.

Taking Charge, Are You Ready For Success?

Today is the 17th of January, and by now most of those lofty New Years resolutions are dead, buried in shallow graves, and just another twinge of regret as you cry yourself asleep each night.  The workout equipment is setting unused under the crumpled sweat suit with the tag still hanging from the sleeve.  But, the rowing machine seat is exactly the same size as the industrial size box of Twinkies you brought home from the store, so it was not a complete waste.  Your "Learn a New Word a Day" calender is still on January 2nd, and by an odd coincidence the word that day was "Ineffectual; adj., Insufficient to produce a desired effect, useless, worthless."  You should probably see what is on the 3rd.

There is still hope, though.  You might be able to meet #4: "Improve my career, and earn more money,while finding a job I love."  Don't give up on that yet.  There are probably opportunities right in your own company if you willing to fight for them, willing to take some chances, roll the dice.  All you need is the willpower and a good plan.  In your case we might have to settle for a good plan.  But, we, here at Life Explained, have that plan.  A plan tailored to your situation.  Just follow these steps and you are on your way to the corner office.  Next year we can worry about those extra pounds.  And that limited thought process, and that graying, thinning hair, well maybe next year and the year after that, you are kind of a big job.

1. Approach the key decision maker, confident, assured, comfortable.  Let them know you are ready for the promotion, and make them believe in you.  There are several ways to initiate the conversation, first let's examine the wrong approach.  "Hey, is that an opening in mid level management with an appropriate pay level and benefit package commensurate with my underutilized skills, and languishing intellect, or are you just happy to see me?"  An opening like this suggests you are unhappy in your position of assistant head custodian, implying that you are not a team player.

Instead, try this.  "Good morning, here is a nice package of Omaha Steaks for you and Mrs. Corporate Decision Maker, an excellent accompaniment for this bottle of 18 year old Single Malt Scotch, and these tickets to "Lion King," the musical sensation, and smash Broadway hit."  Using this approach shows that you are not only intelligent but have timing, taste, and the ability to "Build Consensus," very important for clawing your way up the corporate ladder.

2. Now that you have your foot in the door, as it were, it is vital to close the deal, one obvious technique is to catalog your skills, emphasizing those most appropriate for the opening at hand.  "Well, I am well versed in the Microsoft Office Suite, Access being a particular point of pride, including the use of SQL queries for custom, on demand reports, and uniquely qualified to use the data to generate attention grabbing Excel charts in support of sales and marketing goals.  Also, I am well versed in the construction and maintenance of E-commerce sites, including the use HTML, and advanced programming architecture, to build error free exchanges that will leave our customers happy and wanting to return, and willing to tell everybody they know about the wonderful experience they enjoyed ordering our product."  An obvious, but idiotic approach.  By the time you finish this speech you will find yourself facing a VIP that is either fast asleep, a bit of a snore echoing around the room, or trying to decide where best to play the Q in "Words with other People."

A much better option is providing evidence of your ability to solve problems, while focusing on the task at hand.  "With this job, I would finally be able to support my sick Mother, and still have enough money to pay for your wife's botox treatment."  Short, to the point, and proving that you are willing to make the sacrifices necessary for an expanding, international company.

With just a little sacrifice all some a couple of your dreams can come true.  Stick with us, and good things will happen.  You can thank us later.