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Thursday, August 14, 2014

Football, The Season of Our Discontent.

Football season kicks off soon and it is time to start preparing, time to take inventory of your favorite teams chances at winning "it all."  If they can't win it all they have had a terrible season, filled with heartache, drama, and blown calls, stupid referees, anyway.  Does your team have what it takes to be the team, bring home the title, vanquish their foes, destroy their opponents, and enjoy the confetti, and adulation that will pour down?   

Here are some things to look for.  Do they have "good moral?"  A team with bad moral might as well play on a field strewn with broken glass, and toxic waste.  It is one of the most important components of that elusive team "Chemistry."  There is no point in even trying without team "Chemistry."  Of course, some teams have taken "Chemistry" to levels that fall far outside the rules, in an effort to boost moral from mediocre, past good, and into stratospheric.  Too much moral building can be ruinous, and lead to extended "vacation days" for players. 

Another good sign would be the recognition that the team is prepared to "take it one game at a time."  This is so important, teams that try to violate this principal are doomed to lackluster performance, and a season that is remembered for insignificance, and defeat.  On rare occasion teams with many talented players, and a wealth of coaching experience can play two games at a time, provided the opponents are painfully incompetent, and helpless, but it is absolutely vital to inform the officials, so they can account for the wide variety of uniforms, and players present. 

Of course, no team can hope for even a moderate amount of success unless they have re-established their swagger.  You will know your team is headed in the proper direction as soon as a player boasts "we have our swagger back."   Unfortunately, for those freshly re-swaggered teams that normally leads to the addition of a "bulls eye on our back," which will enrage the opposing team to such an extent that your team "will get their best shot, every game."   Experts are still debating whether the bulls eye is beneficial or not. 

It goes without saying that no team can hope for even the tiniest amount of success without the requisite amount of "good speed."  Slow, tiresome, and ineffective, teams without "good speed" might as well play their whole season in one game, that is how astronomical the odds that are stacked against them.  It has been that way since the dawn of time, the ancient Sumerians knew "and thus it is prophesied, any team that ploddeth onto the playing field with poor speed is doomed from the coin toss."  It was really the secret to the success of the Great Khan, and his Mongolian armies.  In fact he is quoted as saying after destroying the Western Xia Dynasty, "you know, Brent (yes, Brent Musburger has been covering sports that long) we had "good success" today, because we had all of that "good speed" and they were slow like children, carrying bricks, through mud."  Not really, Genghis Khan did not give a lot of interviews, but his teams were fast, and angry, and ruthless, and fearless...  Really all of the things you want in your modern day football team. 

Now you have enough to assess your teams chances this year.  We will update you on the visual cues to watch for as the season progresses, if for example, the coach stumbles onto the field carrying bottle of Muscatel, and spends the whole game sleeping on one of the benches, using the sports page as a blanket, you know it might be a good year to catch up on those back issues of Popular Mechanics, maybe you can finally get around to building that self sustaining eco system in the basement, in case of apocalypse.  Don't worry that your wife, neighbors, children and co-workers think you are crazy, they are probably right, but it is better than watching your favorite football team self destruct on television.