It is almost time to choose, it is almost time to make a decision. Who will be suited to carry us into the future, who will be the one to make a difference, who will we choose to lead the country?
Oh, sure there are a lot of choices this early in the pre-season, virtually everybody who has ever run for office, is still alive, and hasn't been president yet is a potential candidate, has an exploratory committee, and is raising money. Plus, there is always the threat of a wealthy, unelected, dark horse candidate, who doesn't mind the insurmountable odds, and rushes headlong into the fray, without a chance of winning. Though, if a person is looking for fifteen minutes of fame this is perfect, and if you can manage one misstep, gaffe, or indiscretion you could go down in history. Please, stay tuned for this seasons model.
However, for those who are tired of career politicians, and all of their experience, and knowledge about what makes the government work, for those who grow weary of Washington insiders, and all of their accomplishment, and connections, and credibility around the world, we offer you a fresh choice, a new solution to an old remedy of a non existent problem, we offer you Dr. for President.
Not only does he not have any governmental experience, at any level, he has never even held a real job. He is the ultimate political outsider, he has never even voted, and he knows nothing about almost everything political. If you are tired of all of the coiffed, tailored clowns trying to give away the whole circus Dr. is your man, well not really your man, he is your candidate.
Let's look at several questions from our panel of experts. In the sake of honesty, we are not sure how many people a "panel" requires, so it might be a forum, or a group, if anybody knows the qualifications, please post a message with the details.
Q: "Do you have a plan to balance the budget, without raising taxes?"
A: "Yes, I do have a plan to balance the budget, and unlike my opponents, the fools, buffoons, and clowns, I am not going to slash spending, and unlike the idiots who are stupid enough to oppose me in this election I am willing to share the details of my plan. Phase one of my plan is to use the police department as a taxi service. They spend most of their time driving around anyway, right? Why not have them pick up fares, and bring in some much needed "revenue enhancement." Here is the beauty of the plan, if you are running late, and need to pick up the pace just tell the officer, and for an additional fee he will flip on the lights and sirens, and get you there in a hurry. And, if you are lucky enough to be in the car during a high speed chase, ending in a shootout, and have the necessary funding available we will let you squeeze off a few rounds. The ultimate thrill ride. We are going to open Fire House Pizza, and Chili Burgers, in real fire houses. Delivery in thirty minutes or less, or your next ride to the emergency room is free! That alone should provide a budget surplus like this country has never seen. If not, we are noodling with some plans involving Armed Services Demolition Co., but these are still on the drawing board."
Q: "Where do you stand on immigration?"
A (sort of): "I have a very strong stand on immigration."
Q: "What is it?"
A (more of a Q, really): "What is what?"
Q: "What is your stand on immigration?"
A (not really, but we pay by the letter) "That is all the time we have for today, I am going to work on some very important policies, and procedures, and reforms, and maybe a quick nap. Thank you all for coming."