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Wednesday, September 3, 2014

A desperate plea for help.

Today we are going to discuss commuting, in general, and early morning commuting, before rush hour, in particular, 6:00 AM to 6:30 AM commuting on a three lane freeway in Central Ohio, specifically.  This commute should be painless, for the most part.  There are three lanes, and these are divided by the speed at which the driver feels comfortable.

In the right hand lane are two types of driver.  Right Lane Driver type #1 - those who enjoy the slow life, don't mind slowing, or hurrying to allow vehicles entering from the ramp, and have plenty of time to get to work.   These drivers never have high blood pressure, and eat a lot of salads.  Right Lane Driver Type #2 - those who are about to exit.

The middle lane is for drivers who have audio books and like to spend a little time relaxing with their favorite author before beginning their day.  It would be so inconvenient to have to adjust your speed at every ramp for merging traffic, and the middle lane is slow enough to provide plenty of time to enjoy almost a whole chapter.  If traffic is heavy it might be a chapter and a half.  Their day begins with a latte, a biscotti, sensible loafers, and something fashionable, and comfortable.  Occasionally, someone will provide a short irritant into their drive by slamming across all three lanes to exit, or reach the left hand lane, but their commute is a literary picnic, and they are happy about that.

"Hey, move it, I am barely staying ahead of the ambulance!"
In the left hand lane are people trying to get off the freeway, out of their car, and into what passes for life these days.  It is for people who hate driving, and just want to get it over with quickly.  They curse at people who force the use of brakes, "#*#@*!)*( you, can't you seem I am trying to get somewhere."  A smile crosses their face as the shift lever goes into park, and they are done with the potentially lethal practice of hurtling down the highway, hoping nobody crashes into them.

It is imperative that the left lane be respected, these are people on the edge, and this traffic should go approximately 7 to 12 miles an hour faster than the middle lane.  Differences in speed are calculated using a complex formula (that is way to difficult to explain in one blog post) considering such variables as weather, light conditions, congestion, and day of the week (Mondays are faster than Wednesdays, for example).  But, traffic flow permitting the left lane drivers should always be able to pass the middle lane driver in a manner that allows a feeling of superiority, and a smug satisfaction.  Is that asking too much?

It is a good idea to know what type of driver you are, and get in your lane, and stay there.  We, here at Life Explained are developing a test, and will post it soon.  You can thank us later.