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Tuesday, October 21, 2014

The Secret to Their Success.

We all know who they are.  They are the ones with the big offices, the demitasses, the luxury sedans, they are the Chardonnay sippers, with 18 year old Scotch, and expensive, imported beer.  That’s right, the jerks, who run your life from the ivory towers, the suits that run the store.  People ask me all of the time, “Tim, how did they get there, what do they have that I don’t?”  Overlooking the expansive, Ivy League education, and the years of hard work and dedication, it can be summed up in two words, a proven method… wait, it can be summed up in three words, a proven method.  Friends, I am here to give you their method, so you too can be one of those jerks.

It is time someone stood up for the common man, someone took a stand for the insignificant, it is time someone stood up to be the voice of those who are not heard.  I am willing to be that someone.  If you follow these steps you will be eating your SpaghettiOs® from fine china in the executive lunchroom.

1.  Make a list.  All of these people are obsessive list makers, they write down things, they cross off things, they mark, they check, they highlight.  It is like an addiction with them.  Shortly after commandeering a staff meeting they will pull out a note pad, write down a few things, make a few notations, and then cross off something, and bam, like Superman, they are gone.  I can’t tell you what to put on your list that is up to you.  Don’t worry, with a little practice your lists will be awesome, and inspiring.

B.  Drive your subordinates and coworkers without mercy.  Brutality will get things done, and you want them to get things done.  Remember these are the people you will need to walk all over to the get to the middle (the course on getting to the top will come in the next installment, don’t get too far ahead of yourself).  If they get a little surly remind them that their personnel file with their home address and next of kin, is in an unsecured office, within walking distance.  If the threat of violence is a little extreme, try becoming Facebook “friends” with all of the people you plan to use.  It can be a gold mine of exploitable, blackmail ready missteps, a perfect maul with which to bludgeon the independent.

III.  Don't be afraid to use espionage, and sabotage in your quest to walk all over your friends, co-workers, and acquaintances.  If they are doing something that looks important, steal it, if that is not possible pour coffee on it, what ever it takes to ruin their big presentation.  If an associate is working late offer to help "carry the load," and then ignore your responsibilities, and promises, leaving them floundering with an incomplete, coffee stained presentation.  Laugh all the way to the vending machine, get a Twinkie, you have earned the cream filled, delicious pastry.

That is probably enough for the first lesson.  Remember, clawing your way to the top is difficult, unpleasant, and distasteful, filled with sacrifice, toil, and stress, the pain can be overwhelming, and the trials incomprehensible, but once you get there, it will all be worth it, I think.  Whoever makes it first, please send down confirmation.