A little Holiday Advice, from a Trusted Source.

Thanksgiving is over, thank God, now we can start getting ready for Christmas. Actually it is socially acceptable to begin preparations when Halloween is over. The trick is to blend Thanksgiving and Christmas into one long celebration. It is not a good idea to advertise that kind of thinking. Wiser to just kind of mumble it in. Try "Happy ThanksChristmas, here is my gift list."

Running the words together is your left jab, preoccupying your opponent, putting them off balance, making them doubt what they heard. Before they have time to regroup, question the statement you strike with the right cross! the Christmas List. All they can do is stutter a thank you, and ask what you have planned for the holidays.

Of course it is vital that your list is complete, with a spreadsheet comparing prices, at several stores, with directions to each. Phone numbers, and web site addresses are optional, but it is recommended.

Also, you want to have several lists, with different items, you don't want any of those morons you call friends, or family doubling up on that new Xbox Whatever They Call It.*

It is also important to remember that there are people who want to buy you something but are having a rough time, maybe experiencing a financial setback. Make sure there are plenty of less expensive items on there for those losers too. It is Christmas after all.

Of course, after careful consideration, and a thorough examination of my lists we might need to celebrate Happy Independence Christmas next year.

Anyway, enjoy shopping, buy lots of stuff, and don't forget to send your favorite Holiday Shopping Madness pictures to me.


* I don't suggest telling people exactly what they should give you. People can resent that.

Ideas wanted, can you spare a few?

Wow, December 10th already.  That really sneaked up, it was just fall and now, bang it is the 10th of December.  Of course, it has been very busy, here at Life Explained #lifeexplained) and we are completely unprepared.  As embarrassing as it is to admit, we have not even started our "Highlights of 2014" year end postapalooza.  So, we are going to have to come up with some ideas for the list.  Anybody have any ideas?  No idea is a bad idea, we'd like to hear them, really.  And if you come up with the ideas that will save us all of the trouble, and that would be nice.

I am leaving soon to go home, if you come up with something good go ahead and leave a message in the comments.  If you can't wait that long, just write it out on a sign, and when you see my car on the freeway hold it up, and I will take a picture.  If you can't wait that long, and you don't have a sign now is the time to fix that little problem.

Order your "Idea Sign" now!  Only $19.99, plus shipping and handling.  That's right folks, you get this beautiful, handcrafted "Idea Sign" with a brown craft finish, and three inch high gloss divider tape for only $19.99 plus shipping and handling.  Guaranteed to hold your ideas, no matter how fast you drive.  And, if you act now we will throw in a second "Idea Sign" (because we know you have too many good ideas for one little sign) for free!  All you pay is the shipping and handling.  Don't hesitate, order your "Idea Sign" today.*

While you are waiting for delivery check out this insightful, thoughtful piece Life Explains Music.  You won't regret it, at least not very much.  Tell them you want more from this promising new talent.

*Sign does not include ideas.

The Secret to Their Success.

We all know who they are.  They are the ones with the big offices, the demitasses, the luxury sedans, they are the Chardonnay sippers, with 18 year old Scotch, and expensive, imported beer.  That’s right, the jerks, who run your life from the ivory towers, the suits that run the store.  People ask me all of the time, “Tim, how did they get there, what do they have that I don’t?”  Overlooking the expansive, Ivy League education, and the years of hard work and dedication, it can be summed up in two words, a proven method… wait, it can be summed up in three words, a proven method.  Friends, I am here to give you their method, so you too can be one of those jerks.

It is time someone stood up for the common man, someone took a stand for the insignificant, it is time someone stood up to be the voice of those who are not heard.  I am willing to be that someone.  If you follow these steps you will be eating your SpaghettiOs® from fine china in the executive lunchroom.

1.  Make a list.  All of these people are obsessive list makers, they write down things, they cross off things, they mark, they check, they highlight.  It is like an addiction with them.  Shortly after commandeering a staff meeting they will pull out a note pad, write down a few things, make a few notations, and then cross off something, and bam, like Superman, they are gone.  I can’t tell you what to put on your list that is up to you.  Don’t worry, with a little practice your lists will be awesome, and inspiring.

B.  Drive your subordinates and coworkers without mercy.  Brutality will get things done, and you want them to get things done.  Remember these are the people you will need to walk all over to the get to the middle (the course on getting to the top will come in the next installment, don’t get too far ahead of yourself).  If they get a little surly remind them that their personnel file with their home address and next of kin, is in an unsecured office, within walking distance.  If the threat of violence is a little extreme, try becoming Facebook “friends” with all of the people you plan to use.  It can be a gold mine of exploitable, blackmail ready missteps, a perfect maul with which to bludgeon the independent.

III.  Don't be afraid to use espionage, and sabotage in your quest to walk all over your friends, co-workers, and acquaintances.  If they are doing something that looks important, steal it, if that is not possible pour coffee on it, what ever it takes to ruin their big presentation.  If an associate is working late offer to help "carry the load," and then ignore your responsibilities, and promises, leaving them floundering with an incomplete, coffee stained presentation.  Laugh all the way to the vending machine, get a Twinkie, you have earned the cream filled, delicious pastry.

That is probably enough for the first lesson.  Remember, clawing your way to the top is difficult, unpleasant, and distasteful, filled with sacrifice, toil, and stress, the pain can be overwhelming, and the trials incomprehensible, but once you get there, it will all be worth it, I think.  Whoever makes it first, please send down confirmation.

Reasons, by the number.

Sometimes life is very strange, taking unexpected turns often leaving you in difficult situations.  With little warning, short of breath, and cash you are forced to scramble through whatever swampy situation hoping to get out alive. Nobody gets out unscarred, you accepted that long ago. "We're all boxed in, nowhere to escape."*  Sometimes, it seems a lot of bother with no visible pay out.

So, we live, and then we stop.  And in between there is a lot of commotion, and change, and a lot of what can seem to be pointless struggles against toxic cruel adversity and endless overwhelming responsibility.   But, is it all worth it?  Yes, and you need to find your reasons, a list of good things, things that make the battle worth fighting.  Things that make life as a human, on Earth enjoyable. Things that make the Grim Reaper grim.

Here is my list for the day.

1. Donuts,
2. Pizza,
3. Coffee, (man that stuff is so good),
4. Bob Dylan music, (that should be higher, but the hunger is strong in this one, Emperor),
5. Three day weekends (coincidentally, there is one coming for a certain happy blogger this week),
6. New glasses, and they look good,
7. My car, it is the best one I have ever owned.
8. Kentucky Bourbon, (if it isn't from Kentucky it's just whiskey),
9. Smart phones, you can do almost anything with them,
10. The NCAA basketball tournament, the best sporting event of all time, especially when your team wins,
11. My friend, Doctor Dawg, he may be a nuisance but we are tight,
12. My wife, she is "too bright a light for anybodies eyes"**, she would be #1 if she ever read my blog,***
13. Prime numbers, everybody knows they are lucky, so we end on 13,

Take that, pale rider.  When you come for me, don't expect me to go quietly, I have a lot of things
going on, and you will just have to wait, so take a number, have a seat, relax, get comfortable, it is going to be a while, because in the immortal words of Bob Dylan;

"pick up your money, pack your tent,  you ain't a goin' nowhere."

Everybody has to make their own list of course, and it should be monitored and updated with the changes in situations, feel free to use any of my reasons they are universal, except for 11, Doctor Dawg is kind of possessive and 12, though, she probably doesn't read your blog either, but she is wonderful.


* Bob Dylan
**  More Bob Dylan.
*** I would have added my sons, they are the best thing I have ever had a part in, but it was a little unwieldy.