Thursday, March 5, 2015
Protection and the Cost of a Mistake.
Things have been a little slow around the Life Explained headquarters the last several weeks. When things get slow people get scared, money gets tight, and that can cause problems. In this case it caused problems for Dr. Dawg, and Bob, from the secretarial pool.
Bob had always felt people treated him derisively because he was a secretary, and not even a private secretary. Being in the pool forced him to work in several departments, and this gypsy job style bothered him a little.
So, when things got a little tight, and Bob was worried about his next meal he jumped at Dr. Dawg's offer to make a little extra cash.
It was tried and true plan, as simple as it was effective, and as easy as it was widely used. They were going to sell "protection" to the office personnel on the 4th floor. It would be great.
Reasoning that it would be better to start with Shirley, she was old. Almost retirement age, so she would be worried about potential broken bones, widowed so nobody would come to her aid, and fairly wealthy, she had been working for all of those years, after all.
They devised a plan, they would approach Shirley's desk after everybody else had left for the day. Since she was older, and had little to do after hours she was dedicated to her job, often working long after her co-workers headed for the excitement of the city at night.
They would push her iced coffee onto her computer keyboard causing her to worry about what she would tell the tech department. Then they would knock over her "World's Best Grandma" cup. She was so proud of that mug, adorned with her Grandchildren's pictures, she refused to stain it with coffee. She kept wax flowers in the cup, changing them with the season. When the flowers spilled on her desk, she would stand to pick them up before the rolled onto the floor. Dr. Dawg would move in behind her legs, Bob would push her over, and they would threaten her until she paid them to leave.
Things were going splendidly, too, she did not have her iced coffee, so they had to improvise, and knocked over her water bottle. Unfortunately, it had the lid screwed on tightly, and no water spilled out. Before Bob could knock over flower vase, "World's Best Grandma" cup Shirley stood demanding to know what "in the name of goodness are you doing?" No problem, Bob, and Dr. Dawg figured, accelerating the time table Dr. Dawg moved in behind her.
When Bob went to push her over something odd happened, it happened quickly, too. Sweeping her left arm through a graceful, fluid arc, Shirley pushed Bob's arms aside. Her right hand, formed in a fist, flew, arrow quick, and laser straight into Bob's nose. Before he could say, "Ouch, that hurt," Shirley chopped him in the throat, and swept his legs out from underneath him, crumpling him like a sack of wet, limp towels, onto the floor.
Dr. Dawg was hiding in one of the offices, under a desk. Bob was rolling across the floor, writhing in pain, and gasping for breath when Shirley took his wallet, emptied it of money, and grabbed his American Express card. She called her Knitting Society Circle, asking if they wanted to go to dinner, she was buying. They jumped at the chance.
Shirley grabbed her coat, her scarf, and her purse, and walked around Bob, saying "excuse me," very politely, and headed toward the elevator.
There is not much to say, but, for those who find any offense, please remember these are only stories, jokes, and have no relation to reality. Kind of like life.
I like life, and hope it lasts a long time, but it does require some explanation, that is why these blogs exist. To help people navigate times and events that make no sense.
Here are a few places you can find a few things.
The Original Life Explained. Where it all started, a little rambling and a lot of nothing important.
Life Explains The End Views on humanity's race to self extinction. I hope I am wrong.
Life Explains Smiles Because everybody likes it when you smile.
Life Explains Aging Getting older is not always easier, but it is worth the effort. And a few small things can make it much more pleasant.
Life Explains Traveling and Commuting Mostly commuting. Driving bugs me and working bugs me so driving to work is the ultimate insult of modern life, and I like to complain.
Life Explained Explores History. The real problem with history is there is so much of it. It is all over the place. But, if you take the time to look at the small pieces it is fascinating.
Life Explains Music Music is a universal language. I like guitar based rock and roll, but there is a little bit of a lot here.