Getting Rich, Explained.

In the digital world of the 21st century adjustments need to be made. Old ways of helping each other through hard times are no longer valued. When was the last time your neighbors participated in a barn raising? How often have you had to help the guy at the end of the block drive his cattle to market? Speaking personally, I can’t remember the last time I had to help the townspeople repel Visigoths or Saracens at the town walls. These are the things that used to bring communities together. No we drift into the seduction of streaming television or the magic of short videos on the internet.

Community might be the wrong word for the loose assemblies we live in today. It might be more accurate to call the knots of people that drive home from work, park in their garage, close all the doors, windows, and drapes, and relax in front of an electronic umbilical cords that keep us attached to the things we find important. We live in hundreds of tiny villages containing one to five people. Tiny, self contained municipalities scattered along the streets of our cities and towns. Our doorbells are the modern version of Pavlov’s bells. When it rings we run frantically to retrieve our dinner, packed neatly in disposable plastic. 

How do we help each other, what steps can we take to enrich the inhabitants of the tiny towns surrounding our little village?

We can give our neighbors, the sovereign citizens surrounding us, cryptocurrency. The perfect gift for the modern recluse. Buy enough for everybody in all the tiny, self contained hamlets surrounding your kingdom. We recommend putting them in Amazon boxes or packs to make sure they bring them inside. 

If you don’t understand bitcoin, that’s fine, nobody does. It’s a modern alchemy transforming small amounts of cash into dreams of untold, decadent wealth. It’s like the Powerball only everybody wins.

 

We, here at Life Explained, want to help you. We want to make it easy for you to spread the joy. 

Introducing the LifeExplained Forever Coin.© A beautiful, hand crafted monetary unit suitable for framing. Not only is it attractive, its value increases exponentially with every breath. Soon you and the people, whose names you don’t know, will be raking in money so fast your arms will begin to ache, and your house will be too full to carry in an order of beef lo mien, with a side of crab rangoons.

 

Here’s the secret, and what a secret it is, when you buy some, the value goes up. When you buy more, the value climbs higher, when you buy all you can afford the money will start pouring in. You can never have enough, even though a little is more than enough. 

If you order now, we’ll throw in a LifeExplained Bit Coin Wallet, like your grandfather, or your dad, depending on how old you are, used to carry. A perfect companion for your LifeExplained Forever Coin.©

Act fast, or wallow in regret, it’s up to you.

Taxes, Buy one get one free.

1.   tax; noun
   plural noun: taxes
       1.
   a compulsory contribution to state revenue, levied by the government on workers' income and business profits or added to the cost of some goods, services, and transactions
   
   
   I'm not really sure how much I pay in taxes every year. Some taxes are easy to track, income tax is laid out for you. as easy as reading your the attachment on your check.
   
   
   Some are a little more difficult, sales tax, it just seems like a little gift. "Here, I am buying a package of donuts to take to work, maybe I should give a little something to the state of Ohio who won't get to share in the box of delicious pastries.” But, then you think about all of the things you buy over the course of a year, and you start to feel like an involuntary philanthropist. 
   
   
   I should take a moment to say I am a tax and spend liberal. I don’t mind pitching in and helping out. I would like to know a little more about what they do with the money, and I would like a little honesty about who pays how much. I know taxes are everywhere, like bacteria. Taxes are the ultimate product of evolution.
   
   
   John Kasich was elected governor, and promised to reduce taxes. He cut income tax, and greatly reduced the taxes on corporations. But, he raised the sales tax, plus he removed the exemption on previously protected items. Really, to me, this was not really lowering taxes it was just redistribution. An increase for many people who could least afford to pay more. Which only proves the old maxim “If you want to represented in government hire a good lobbyist and make large campaign donations.”*
   
   
   Along comes President Trump, who lowered taxes on income nationally. Of course, according to almost everybody who isn’t a member of the republican party apparatus this will have a disastrous effect on the deficit, the economy and the nation. But, he had a plan. He was going to raise tariffs on everything imported from everywhere. Even on the dastardly, arsonist Canadians.
   
   
   The net result of his actions will be increased prices for almost everything. Which will really fall hardest on the poor, who are already struggling to get from one paycheck to the next, and whose tax cut was significantly smaller by comparison. In all fairness, that is the way across the board tax cuts work. It still comes down to the poor being hit harder by government policies. Which only proves the old saying “the best way to get ahead is to start there.”*
   
   
   I don’t mind taxes, I just don’t like the subterfuge, the deceit, the corruption, the friendly smiling face with the absurd claims of helping everyone. Government by sales gimmicks. "We will send you all your money back, all you need to do is pay separate shipping and handling." We deserve better. 
   
   
   *It isn’t really old, I just made it up.
   
   
   
   

He’s Back, oh heck no.

I have not been blogging much lately. For one thing work is crazy. Almost as if they don’t care about my blog. It is like a homicidal version of the holiday rush. But, it is good for business, and that makes it good for me. 

There is some good news, though, I am now a professional writer. I sold a story for ten dollars. Not a fortune, but they might as well have handed me the keys to the kingdom. It is not the first time someone paid me to write, though. Once, I stumbled across a site that paid $8.00 for blog posts. You had to write about products or services for companies. I wrote a post about oil changes, (I don’t know anything about oil changes, but a little research was all I needed) and after I fixed the errors POW, eight samoleans in my pay pal account. I was thrilled.

Next I chose Toyota Forklifts. I love my Toyota and I have driven a forklift before so it was a natural. I sent it off, making plans for my eight large, and they sent it back saying it was too filled with errors. I double checked it, actually bought an app to check sentence structure, spelling, grammar, verb and subject agreements. There were a few things I fixed and sent it back. And they said it was not good enough, and I could no longer write for them. I could have lived with “you just don’t know enough about forklifts,” or “you are too wordy, and self important,” but they said I just didn’t write well enough. But, I didn’t quit. I just quit getting paid.

And now I hit the big time, ten dollars. 

It was a great story, too. But, the ending stunk. I submitted it to a lot of places and almost universally they said, “good story, weak ending.” I sent it to Smarty Pants, and they said. “You should make this the ending, it is really the climax, and add a line making a refernce to the opening.” And I did, and it was great.

Editors are amazing things. This story was transformed with one edit into something worth ten big ones. I write a monthly column  

for The Wild Word, (here is a link) and they have two editors. Sometimes I will send them a draft and they will send it back with notes and suggestions about what I should add. Once in a while it is almost scary. I will think, “Oh my God, they are looking right into me, they can see what I’m thinking.” But, they are always right, and it always turns out much better. I love editors.

Part of what has kept me away from my blog is my book. Most of you know, I am working on a book. And, if you didn’t know. I am working on a book. It is not the book I was working on last year. That is next, but a different book, and it was awful. Dead, wooden words staring with cold, lifeless eyes at me. And I said, this sucks. So I went back and started breathing a little life into the people, thinking about them as people, with a past and a future, things not even mentioned in the book. And, it got better. In one point a minor character, introduced briefly to explain a quirk in the protagonist loses his wife to cancer, and it was so sad, so heart breaking (to me, anyway) I almost cried. And I thought, wow this is good.

Perfect Call, Jim

There is a disturbing trend on televised college football games. More than just one, really, but for today we are going to ignore the win at all costs, including the millions paid to coaches, the gaudy excess of modern stadiums, the shameless, underhanded ways schools violate NCAA rules, the sickening pandering of the press and officials toward the elite among the sport, the ridiculous amount of time spent training children to win, no matter what. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the ridiculous way coaching contracts are written. These people are hired, paid millions, adored, praised, lavished with gifts to win games. And then when they don’t win enough games schools are forced to either fire them and pay the remainder of the contract or pretend they are there to promote education and citizenship and manufacture some artificial outrage to fire them for “lack of institutional control.”  When was the last time a guy coming off a championship season got the axe for “lack of institutional control.” Give me a break...

Well, we might not ignore them completely.

What I am here to talk about today is the instant replay official who shows up on the screen to discuss the calls being viewed by the instant replay official who is off screen and working hard to make the right call. 

What really bothers me is the way he agrees completely with whatever call was made. I understand the difficulties faced by officials, referees, umpires, trying to make the right decision in a violent, fast paced game. And I assume most times they get it right, and when they don’t they are only human, the reason they instituted the instant replay review.

Most times they probably get that right, and if they don’t, well they are only human. And, then they go to the official replay official and he always says “well, they sure got that one right.” And then he will explain why, and how, and what, and everybody will pat each other on the back. One more face on the television telling me how everything is working perfectly. According to plan. No mistakes. 

And we can all sleep easy. You can thank them later.

Problem solved, sort of.

Many cities and states are still struggling with enormous debt. Budgets are being cut, and often vital services are sacrificed to maintain a balanced budget. When the federal government runs into this problem they have the enviable option of printing more money. And as appealing as that is it would only work if each entity (states, counties, cities, and villages) had its own unique currency. When we ran this by the Office of the Comptroller of Currency (OCC) the Fed (Federal Reserve System), the DoJ (Department of Justice) and the IRS (Department of Insufferable Persecution) we were told that this was a very bad idea and one of us was actually taken outside and shot. Seems they take the exclusive right to print money pretty seriously.

We agreed to drop that idea, and they let the rest of us leave, alive. After a few threats, and promises of terrible retribution.

We still wanted to help the cities and states of this fine country. Years of mismanagement, neglect, and governmental supervision have left them drained, bankrupt and hopeless. Yet, they still have citizens to protect, serve and clean up after. There are parades, fireworks, celebrations all requiring capitol. And people are not keen to give up these ostentatious displays of societal unity, despite the crippling effect on the budget. We are sticking together if it kills us.

We need look no further than the highly profitable world of professional sports for the solution to this crippling problem. Corporate sponsorship. Start small. Auction the naming rights to streets. Imagine the ease with which "Bob's House of Paints Third Avenue" rolls off the tongue.

"Where do you live?"

"At the intersection of Biff's Tattoos Main Street and Sid's Pawn Shop Atlantic Avenue. It is the green house with the brown yard, you can't miss it."

So, we are selling the naming rights to Life Explained. Think of the potential, The Kraft Macaroni and Cheese blog Explaining Life.

You don't want to miss out on this exciting, ground floor opportunity. Break out the check book now, while there is still time. Or, we might just start printing our own money, we do make a striking monetary unit, though.

Why Rahul sued Tim? - Chapter 3. The $921 billion project, and The Jaguar!

I was fighting again. The Universal middleweight champion, Winnie - The Jaguar - my opponent. Without getting into too many details, I would like to inform that after the match, I'd needed 23 stitches above my right eye, a surgery for my shattered knee, treatment for broken ribs, and then for severe weight loss in coming times, and consistent loss of eye sight. 

My fighting career ended. I shouldn't have had to fight Winnie at all anyways. Only if Life explained played by the rules.

The $900M deal had me on cloud 9. I had to take up the finance and investment departments. I remember my first meeting with Dr. Dawg, he seemed to have professionalism etched in each cell of his. We signed the formalities, and I was given $57 million in advance, and an island, a jet, and arms to protect myself. I was simply overwhelmed.

As excited as I was. I am a professional, and I take my work seriously, even doing a 13 days crash course on Financing. I felt good, and I knew I could make LE grow. However, here the differences started to arise. Dr. Dawg had hired me more as a brand ambassador and promoter, rather than someone who handles business. Who answers the tough questions, and roams around in a suit during summer with a company logo. 

It's a sad tale. Frustration crept in, and then anger, and then revolt. My assistant Ashley, and most of my office staff left their jobs. I had become too hot to handle for 'em. Change was needed, change I sought for, and I give it everything.

I used my financial powers in the company, fought with Tim and Dawg, even body slammed Jack in a meeting. I made the company give me the chance and bought an island in planet RS-247 from another galaxy. I started a construction project, confident that it was best for business. A $921 billion project would've given the company a 142% return on investment.

It was magic happening, but recession hit the target planet, and our project had to be nixed, with a $176 billion loss. While, I'm aware I would be found guilty, but it wasn't my mistake. The business idea was blockbuster. Anyways, I was suspended, my luxuries taken back and my accounts were locked by Tim Clark leaving me with no other option than to fight, and then as I mentioned in the start things went worse as I fought the Jaguar.

I can't fight an ant now, with my fitness. My career is over, and Life, Explained won't give me "MY" hard earned money. What I did was my job, I was hired for that, and before signing the contract Dr. Dawg had given me his word. So, had Tim Clark, but words don't matter in this age, it seems.

I will see you in the court, Tim. Unless, we can have FAIR play.

The Beginning of the Beginning, kind of.

Anybody who lives anywhere near a popular sports team, or home town hero understands the
enormous marketing potential of hiring a jock. Sure, sometimes you have to settle for less than stellar performance, and often you are forced to deal with uncontrollable egos, but slap a sports stars in front of a camera and you have instant brand recognition. A boost to profits, visibility and consumer loyalty.

We thought hiring +Rahul Singh would give us that sort of visibility, only on an interstellar scale.

Here was a guy who was not only making a name for himself in one of the fastest growing sports in the universe, Galactic Animal Mixed Martial Arts. Not only was he undefeated, he was young, handsome and looked good in a suit.

We didn’t care if he didn’t know beans about finance, he could help with “finance” by getting on television and smiling and waving and acting like he was a financial guy. It was like a license to print money. People would be lining up to invest. A multimillionaire retired sports guy talking eloquently on television on about how wise it was to invest in Life Explained Space Travel and Exploration. It was a golden goose, and we were ready to harvest some golden eggs.

But, here is the thing, Rahul was not happy being eye candy in front of a camera. He wanted to be a finance guy.

“We have finance guys coming out of the wazoo, Rahul. What we need is a guy to help with ‘finances.’” Dr. Dawg explained, as patiently as he could. “We need you to stand there and smile and sell us on TV. You have a reputation getting things done, in an emphatic fashion.”

But, some people don’t or can’t listen. So, we had to cut his pay.

A new commercial, new revenue streams and the ongoing saga of #FixThePlus.

Exciting news, we are getting ready to begin production on the next Life Explained commercial. It will be huge. So big, in fact, we are going to call it an "Infomercial." Of course that is after the legal department clears the term. We are not planning on going real heavy on the Info, and concentrating mostly on the Mercial part. Nobody really watches television for information.

Preliminary reports indicate two "quantifiable iotas" of information will be enough. Last time we checked we are safely at three and a half (as long as we are allowed to count the dancing zombies as a Health Feature)* so we should be covered.

Anyway, we have the idea all mapped out, sort of. It is going to be about the mysteries of life, kind of. And how we are working so hard to explain them, maybe.

Anyhow, we have the app all picked out for production, at least we have it narrowed down to one or two, well maybe three. They all have benefits, and drawbacks, but we may end up using all of them, who knows.

And, we have the theme music all picked out, at least we have the list narrowed down to 7 or 9 songs, no more than 11, anyway. It might be a montage, a sort of progressive fading, flowing, looping thing. It is too early to tell.

We are selling advertising, if anybody is interested in placing a commercial inside our commercial. Just let us know. We will be at Starbucks™ (maybe Starbucks would like to advertise here) later if you want to buy us a coffee and talk.

Storyboarding will begin after coffee, and maybe donuts, or a breakfast burrito.

Lights, Camera, wait, hold on a minute.

What we do have is this new Digislate Clapperboard app from Wimbledon Sound, and it makes us feel like big time movie people.

Now all we need is an idea for an infomercial, a decision on which video app to use, a music selection and we are on our way.

*We are still casting the dancing zombies by the way, so if you are not technically alive and can bust a move give us a call.

Here is what we have so far.

Christmas, Time to Celebrate the Life Explained Way.

We, here at Life Explained, Ohio Office (LE uhoh), have examined the meaning of the holiday season. It is steeped in mystery, and intrigue. Many people feel it is about finding and filling spiritual needs. Others feel it is a time to connect with family, and friends, to strengthen the ties of blood, and affection.  Others, still, feel it is a festive party season, a chance to shower people with love, and presents, and tokens of appreciation.

Turns out it isn't any of that. It was established by the printing industry, in a unique spirit of cooperation with timber harvesting companies as an excuse to generate enormous amounts of catalogs and profits printing sale flyers, toy catalogs, and shopping advertisements. It was a huge success.

Soon retailers jumped on board. It was a great opportunity. In August, at a predetermined time they quietly raised prices to an agreed upon level. Then, when Thanksgiving rolls around they have a "Black Friday Sale." Prices are reduced to, what is known in retail circles as, the "July Level."

Newspaper carriers suffer through the day with sore backs, aching feet, strained shoulders, and thinking "I have nothing to be thankful for, except non steroid anti inflammatory drugs." Kicking off the joyous season, in a realistic way.

Soon the stores are filled with people clutching sale flyers, ads, and lists. There are fights for the big screen televisions caught on security footage. "Merry Christmas, you son of a bitch. Now hand over the high tech sale item before I have to kill you, and have a nice day."

So, to combat this vicious progression, we here at Life Explained Ohio Office (LEHOHOHO) have raised the prices on all of the items on our Gift Shop Website to ridiculous levels. It is your duty to buy several over priced items, and add a nice gratuity, we are doing this for everybody.

ABhancer, take 1

+S. Bradley Stoner Here is the rough draft of the ABhancer ad. It needs a little work, and we have to talk to Kris, but, I think he lives in Texas, do we have anybody down there? For the music I thought we would go with something hip and trendy, until the realization I don't know anything, hip, or trendy. So I chose Wipeout, by the Surfaris, because I have been grooving on some surf guitar lately. Check it out,

The end needs some thin, happy people, but most of the thin people here are pretty cranky, probably hungry, so we may need somebody with some photoshop skills. And a sunset.

Draft Night, NBA

Last night was the NBA draft. A solemn, austere ceremony where young men are conscripted to travel to the far corners of the world to serve the common good... Not really, it is a big, splashy gaudy affair. Silly with television cameras, and reporters, all stalking young men whose fortunes are about to change.

It starts when a basketball team is given five minutes to decide which young man they are going to "draft," hand a boat load of cash, and expect a championship to come at his beck and call.

After the decision is made they tell the NBA commissioner, a man whose name escapes me, but it is not David Stern, he was the last guy.  The commissioner (for the sake of convenience we will call him Not David Stern) comes out and announces the choice solemnly and with the tone of a man delivering important news to a shaken, frightened nation, "With the 6th pick in the draft the (insert team name here) have chosen (insert young man's name here).

And then a young man, in a suit,  comes up and puts on a baseball hat, and kind of shakes hands, and kind of hugs (it is a modern version of a hand shake, and one I have never been able to master) Not David Stern. It is an odd picture, these very tall, young, athletic, men hugging this aging, short, bald man, somehow it seems as though it might be from a mafia movie.

Then, a panel of experts, some of whom played basketball, and some of whom studied journalism, talk about why it was such a good pick. There are a lot of technical terms, "wing span" and "shooting
range" "length" and "physicality." And then this panel of "experts" started rating them, "he could be a three, or a four." It seemed so insensitive, and cruel...  Just kidding, it was just the position they would play on the basketball team.

Today, the real work will begin, an agent, employed by the young athlete, will meet with lawyers representing the team's owners and begin negotiating the terms of employment.

Normally, it will start with the team's owners representatives saying something along the lines of "we would like the young man you are representing to accept this ridiculously large pile of cash, and come play basketball in our fine city."

Not to be outmaneuvered, the agent who is representing the young man will retort. "We couldn't possibly accept that much money. This player has never played a minute of basketball at this level, please accept our counter offer of this still large, but somewhat smaller pile of cash."... Not really,sooner or later they agree on a number that seems enormous to most people and the deal is made.

Just a disclaimer, I have always agreed with the sentiment expressed by Joseph Heller's character, Milo Minderbinder in that fantastic account of life in the modern world "Catch 22, "it is never a sin to tax as much as the traffic will bear."  So, if the owners can charge enough to pay the athletes that much it is fine with me.  I toast their success, and wish them the best.

The Race Is On.

It is an exciting time to be an American. With the presidential election cycle approaching it is time to stock up on snacks, and drinks, and mud proof clothing. It will be several glorious months learning the best and worst of the presidential hopefuls. It will be an enlightening and terrifying, and glorious, and horrible, and we will be glued to the coverage. Unable to look away, unable to avert our gaze, unable to forget the images of our potential leader absolutely trashing each other.

Where else will you get to find out the "values" of our society, spelled out in graphic detail. One, shining, bright example of  patriotism and wholesomeness exposing the wretched, filth, and corruption in others.  It is like Captain America telling voters about Satan. Except Satan would never lower himself to run for office in America, it is too base, and deceitful.

There is a lot to be learned from presidential hopefuls, but most of it is very difficult to believe. Who could believe that there were so many people, so corrupt, so incompetent, in the higher reaches of government? It is important to remember, when you are losing all faith in elected officials, that they are pulled from the general public, that they are just us. So, there it is, scattered all over the television, America's dirty laundry aired for all to see. Sixty second glimpses into the state of America, bought to you, at great expense, by other Americans.  Americans who are trying to help you decide between candidates, who start to sound remarkably similar.

Candidates raise enormous, obscene amounts of money, most of the money will be spent on losing, it is a sad truth, that only one person can win the election. We need to make it more fair, similar to youth sports where every participant gets a trophy.  Otherwise all of that money, impossibly huge sums of money, piles of money that are ridiculously huge, laughable in size and scope, for all but one candidate will be wasted.  Which is sad.  I am not going to try to tell you how much money it is, it is beyond the scope of my simple mind.

But, it is not only the money involved. Think of all the poor volunteers, and supporters. All of the time, and passion, and faith wasted. Sometimes these poor people have switched candidates two or three or more times. Their first choice drops out after South Carolina, and they hitch the cart to some blazing hot property storming through Texas, Tennessee, and Colorado.  But, red hot politicos can fizzle out under the intense scrutiny of a multi candidate debate.  A smiling face imposed over a waving flag makes for a good commercial but won't save a wilting performance while being called out on immigration issues.

These poor people are stuck backing one loser after another, and it makes for a poor election night result.  Finding out your third or fourth choice is not good enough, one more disappoint in a string of election cycle heartache.

Now imagine if everybody who raised a hideous pile of coin, so big as to be unimaginable, a crushing, terrible amount of cash, where allowed a turn at being president.  Of course they would need to pass certain requirements, and would have no more power than the average president.  And, instead of spending all of that money campaigning they would have to donate it to all a good charity, like the US economy.  But, everybody could  be happy, for a while, the country goes on down the path to the next election cycle.

Donate to your favorite candidate, he has a real chance this time, they all have a real chance.

Protection and the Cost of a Mistake.

Things have been a little slow around the Life Explained headquarters the last several weeks. When things get slow people get scared, money gets tight, and that can cause problems. In this case it caused problems for Dr. Dawg, and Bob, from the secretarial pool.

Bob had always felt people treated him derisively because he was a secretary, and not even a private secretary. Being in the pool forced him to work in several departments, and this gypsy job style bothered him a little.

So, when things got a little tight, and Bob was worried about his next meal he jumped at Dr. Dawg's offer to make a little extra cash.

It was tried and true plan, as simple as it was effective, and as easy as it was widely used. They were going to sell "protection" to the office personnel on the 4^th floor. It would be great.

Reasoning that it would be better to start with Shirley, she was old. Almost retirement age, so she would be worried about potential broken bones, widowed so nobody would come to her aid, and fairly wealthy, she had been working for all of those years, after all.

They devised a plan, they would approach Shirley's desk after everybody else had left for the day. Since she was older, and had little to do after hours she was dedicated to her job, often working long after her co-workers headed for the excitement of the city at night.

They would push her iced coffee onto her computer keyboard causing her to worry about what she would tell the tech department. Then they would knock over her "World's Best Grandma" cup. She was so proud of that mug, adorned with her Grandchildren's pictures, she refused to stain it with coffee. She kept wax flowers in the cup, changing them with the season. When the flowers spilled on her desk, she would stand to pick them up before the rolled onto the floor. Dr. Dawg would move in behind her legs, Bob would push her over, and they would threaten her until she paid them to leave.

Things were going splendidly, too, she did not have her iced coffee, so they had to improvise, and knocked over her water bottle. Unfortunately, it had the lid screwed on tightly, and no water spilled out. Before Bob could knock over flower vase, "World's Best Grandma" cup Shirley stood demanding to know what "in the name of goodness are you doing?" No problem, Bob, and Dr. Dawg figured, accelerating the time table Dr. Dawg moved in behind her.

When Bob went to push her over something odd happened, it happened quickly, too. Sweeping her left arm through a graceful, fluid arc, Shirley pushed Bob's arms aside. Her right hand, formed in a fist, flew, arrow quick, and laser straight into Bob's nose. Before he could say, "Ouch, that hurt," Shirley chopped him in the throat, and swept his legs out from underneath him, crumpling him like a sack of wet, limp towels, onto the floor.

Dr. Dawg was hiding in one of the offices, under a desk. Bob was rolling across the floor, writhing in pain, and gasping for breath when Shirley took his wallet, emptied it of money, and grabbed his American Express card. She called her Knitting Society Circle, asking if they wanted to go to dinner, she was buying.  They jumped at the chance.

Shirley grabbed her coat, her scarf, and her purse, and walked around Bob, saying "excuse me," very politely, and headed toward the elevator.

Voting the ultimate charity.

We, here at Life Explained (#lifeexplained) have decided to move forward with a new fund raising strategy.  It is almost fool proof, it is almost perfect.  Plus, it is so simple that almost anybody can do it.  That's right, we are going to run for president.

Well, not all of us are going to run for president, not that all of us shouldn't run for president, don't get us wrong, all of us would make a wonderful president, you should be so lucky to have us all for president, being president would be easy for us after the things we have been through, why the stories we could tell you...  Anyway, we are going to pick one of us, and he, or she, is going to run for president.

Thorough research has indicated that campaigning for president maybe the most lucrative profession in the country.  And you don't even have to win, people will hire you to give speeches, and advocate on their behalf, and there are book rights, and made for television movies, and... it is just a good idea.

First, there are the fundraiser dinners.  People pay thousands of dollars to have a meal with us.  And we don't even have to cook, serve or clean up.  Where else are you going to find a sweetheart deal like that?  We have trouble getting somebody's mom to fix up a plate of cookies and drop them off once in a while.  And, then we have to wash the plate, and take it back.  And, if we ask for a few dollars for gas, maybe a cup of coffee for the trip back to work they ask like we are asking if we can move back home.  Which would not be so bad, we could help out with the yard work, and maybe pitch in for the groceries.  They could do a lot worse than us for a room mate, we can tell you that, we bring a lot to the table, we have a job, and our own microwave, and...  Anyway, there is a lot of money to be made in dinners like that.

Second, there is that cool bus, traveling across the country, shaking hands, meeting people.  Sitting down, breaking bread with the common people, the salt of the Earth, the good folk of this fine country.  Discussing the issues, exploring their priorities, learning what they feel is wrong and needs to be fixed in the nations capitol, and then ignoring it completely.  But, a lot of those little diners have excellent pie or cobbler, fresh, dairy churned ice cream, and big steaming mugs of hot, delicious coffee.  And, we are pretty sure someone else picks up the tab.  Man, the people of this country have it made, really, what are they whining about, we are the ones stuck in that stupid tour bus, with all of those boring charts, and displays, and the constant, endless whining sound of unemployment, budget, foreign policy, reach across the aisle, you know what, let the people put down their coffee mug, and spoon full of ice cream and cobbler, and deal with that stuff, that is what we think should...  Well, we are off to Dubuque, we hear The Golden Hen has a fantastic omelet.

Hey, is that a tax exempt political donation,
or are you just glad to see us. 

Third, there will be people lining up to hand us suitcases full of money.  How many times in your life have you been in a position to accept bags of cash from fantastically wealthy people?  We don't really care, that was not really a question it was more of a declarative, yes we realize it was phrased as an interrogative, but trust us, we can tell by looking at you nobody ever handed you a sack of cash.  It was an example of using rhetoric to emphasize the validity of an argument.   We used a phrase that would invoke a strong visual reaction to make a point.  What was the point?  Well... what was the point?  Oh, yeah.  There is a lot of money being handed to candidates today, and according to the candidates, and donors, it is not to influence policy, or buy elections, it is just to... it is only for... we don't know why they go around handing out serious piles of coin like that, and we don't care, we would just like to get out hands on some

Remember, it is your government, and it only works if you all vote, and donate, so get out and vote, and donate.  We take cash, checks and all major credit cards, jewelry, electronics, and motor vehicles. Can our opponents say that?

Happy New Year, well, that is up to you.

We, here at Life Explained (#lifeexplained) are working around the clock to bring you the New Year (#haveagreatnewyear), on time and under budget.  It has been a very busy year, many great things, many less than great things, and a few really bad things, have happened around here this year.  But, you deserve a New Year (#haveahappynewyear), and it shouldn't cost a cent more than the agreed upon price.

Of course, the cost of raw materials has increased dramatically.  Many people feel that the increase is caused by several third world countries deciding to have a Happy New Year, so there is more competition for the resources required.  And moving those raw materials from place to place is hideously expensive, too.  But, we are willing to bear the increased expense to bring you the best New Year (#newyear) money can buy, don't worry that most of it will be our money.

We are not even going to raise the subject of labor costs...  Oops, I guess we already raised the subject.  Well, since we are talking about it anyway, it takes a lot of man hours and woman hours, (it takes absolutely no children hours, so anybody from the National Labor Relations Board, or the United State Department of Labor who happen to be looking, look elsewhere) to construct a decent New Year (#newyearyeahright).  But, we have your backs, and will pay the wages, compensation, bonuses, payroll taxes, insurance premiums, and other costs associated with the project.

It is vital to craft the New Year (#newyearwhocares) skillfully, and with quality components.  We only have to look back on 1988, that year was built with inferior,second hand supplies, by temporary employees working out of a condemned building on the Great Malting Peninsula in Pocatello, Idaho.  We all remember what a disaster that was.  1989 (which was no picnic) looked good just because it wasn't 1988.  People were dancing in the streets, singing "Gonna party like it's 1989," which later became a very popular song for an artist who was known as Prince, then was known as an artist formerly known as Prince, but is now an artist who is known as Prince, or possibly an artist who was formerly known as an artist formerly known... Anyway, he took a good idea and made it better, and harmonious, and musical, and profitable.

There is no need to worry, though, we here at Life Explained, (#priceexplained) are committed to making 2015 a good year, no matter how much it costs, within reason, of course.  We will spare no expense, for the most part, to bring you the best available year.  We are willing to go as far as we have to, as long as it is not too far, to produce a year that will not be forgotten.  Not "not forgotten" like 1988, either.  

But, if you want to help, (and who doesn't?) we are accepting donations, anything will help.  New Year, it is a precious resource, too valuable to be wasted, too important to ignore, and too expensive to be cheap about, so give generously.

Thank you,

Life Explained.

Common Sense Application to Enormous Problems.

Today's traffic in the nation's capital calls for ego fueled, shortsighted, narrow minded, self-serving gridlock. This is liable to be a long term situation with little hope for resolution. Meanwhile the nation languishes and the problems grow, and compound. There is little hope for resolution. Elected officials threaten bicker, squabble, and insult, and perform far below expectations. 

 It is obvious our form of democracy is in desperate straits, and at least part of the problem can be attributed to the liberal infusion of cash, and the obligation that follows, an inescapable shadow, strangling cooperation, and bipartisanship. Infrastructure fails, while elected officials stand in the hallowed aisles of the houses of congress swinging their purses at each other, purses swollen with corporate cash. But, it is this cash, and greed, and need for control that could save us from some of our problems.

Large companies line up to throw money at arenas and stadiums, they can't wait to plaster their name on auditoriums, anything that will provide a tax shelter, and a little glad handing advertisement. We are constantly bombarded by product placement, and naming rights, everywhere we look. Why not use to this to our advantage.

Every civic reconstruction project should begin with two bids. The first is for the naming rights, and the second is for the actual construction, demolition, or both. Even in a relatively small city many people will never enter the basketball, or hockey arena, or the baseball, or football stadium. Sure, everybody will hear the name, repeated by the corporate shills manning the local press outlets, but with time it will cease to be a proper noun, Lucas Oil Stadium, Nationwide Arena, soon become, "lucasoilstadium." It is not intentional, it is human nature. But, imagine the impact of The Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Water Main. Something people use every day, something that gives life, and provides comfort.

What about the Waste Management Swamp Reclamation Project? Or the Pfizer Solid Waste Authority Land Fill, garbage trucks could be festooned with images of people whose lives have been made more complete through the use of applied chemistry.

If your municipality can not afford new police cruisers, sell advertising rights. Not only could the winning company place their logo on the side of the car, the siren could be programmed to play the commercial jingle. Imagine your delight at being pulled over by "My bologna has a first name it's O S C A R." Even hardened criminals will surrender gladly to the pleasant, happy child's voice singing joyfully about lunch.

Of course it won't solve all of our problems, but it will give us the foundation for reconstruction, a chance to claw our way out of the morass, find our way out of the darkness. Maybe we can auction off some of our elected officials to raise enough money for a pizza party. Actually, it will be more like a second mortgage.

Survival, It Ain't Always Pretty.

There is a species of fungus in the Brazilian rain forest that will infect an ant, taking over the poor creatures brain.  The fungi will force the ant to wander through the forest, and find a place suitable for the growth and reproduction of fungus, and then kill the ant.  This was brought to us by National Geographic, as seen here (Crap, I am glad I am not an ant.).  These are known as zombie ants, which is appropriate.

There is a wasp that will sting a Costa Rican Spider, making the spider spend it's last night on Earth building a cocoon in which the wasps larvae can grow, and metamorphosize in safety, high above the predators on the jungle floor.  Of course, they eat the spider, as well.  This is from LiveScience, and can be seen here (Dang, that is kind of heartless, even for a wasp)

According to the "Dirty Money Project" at New York University, as reported by NPR, (ewww, gross, if that is too dirty for you I will take care of it.) the paper money you carry is crawling with bacteria, sometimes up to 3,000 different strains.  Three thousand different types of bacteria crawling around on your dollar bills.  That is a little unsettling, and crowded.  You can probably hear the screams of little bacteria toes getting squashed underfoot if you hold the money close enough to your ear.

Often times economists will bemoan the fact that Americans are not saving enough, that we are society of instant gratification, and indulgence.  Now we know why.

Money based bacteria does not want to spend its life locked in a bank vault, it wants to get out and party. It likes to travel, see things, check stuff out, you know, do bacteria entertaining activities.  Bacteria will send a contingent up to your brain to make recommendations. "Hey, how about a beer?"  Or, "Doesn't a trip to 'Big Bob's Burger Barn" sound like fun?  You are starving."

There is not much you can do about it, they have you outnumbered, they have been around a long time, and know a lot of tricks.  I am not saying you should just give in, saving is still a good idea,  but don't be too hard on yourself if you buy a new stylus, it is not your fault. Remember, things could be worse, think about that poor ant.  Right now I am going to get a bite to eat, I am kind of hungry.

Saved some money, but it might have been a mistake.

Business is pretty good these days.  But, there were some lean years, sales were slow, money was tight, and as a company we were scrambling for ways to stay afloat.  We tried turning down the heat, dimming the lights, and people were asked to wait until there were several passengers before using the elevator, kind of a car pool lane for the lift.  Briefly, there were talks about not providing coffee, but hey, we are not animals.

One of the suggestions floated was to hire illegal aliens, they work cheap, they labor night and day, and are dedicated, fearless, single minded beings bent on self preservation.

Things were going well.   We had a real sweat shop thing going, a facility full of laborers, toiling night and day, without break, for laughably low wages.  Things were beginning to look up.

Sure, a few people vanished, unexpectedly, without a trace, but that is part of running a company, right?  But, when that monstrous, little beast broke out of Bob's, the Head of Human Resources, chest at the weekly staff meeting.  Just popped right out, scampered across the table and vanished down the stair well, and into the janitor's closet, and none of us were going in there, it is dusty, messy and smells of disinfectant.

No one really liked the Human Resource guy, anyway, always going on about "labor laws," and "compensation," and "employee benefits," but when that slimy little thing ran through a dozen of the local bakery's finest ruining every donut that was too much.  Chocolate covered, cream filled fried gifts from the gods, ruined!  We quickly fired every last alien in the place.

It was time to evaluate our hiring practices.  We settled on humans, they cost more, but they respect the donut.

Here is a reenactment, not really the head of Human Resources, actually it is Jesse the sales person, who agreed to play the part of Bob, who was unavailable.  And the alien, who needed a job.

Tis the season

Hey, he's only a dawg