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Friday, April 17, 2015

Robots, for Sale Cheap.

It has come to our attention, here at Life Explained, that the Pentagon (the headquarters of the United States Armed Forces, which is housed in a building with five sides, hence, the name) is currently in the process of expanding the Unmanned Vehicle Force.  Part of this expansion is the replacement of some combat infantry troops with armoured, armed robots. As one of the countries foremost developers of automated humanity that could not make us happier, even if they offered to pay us with weapons grade lasagna.

We have been using robots around here for the better part of forever.  It is a source of great pride telling visitors to the top secret headquarters how long it has been since any of us has made coffee, microwaved a frozen burrito, or washed dishes.  A long, long time.  Micro adjustments to the internal processors have given us the ability to add a few basic human qualities to our "enhanced humans."  When you try to teach a robot what "salt to taste" means you will understand.

Here is the most amazing thing, minute programming differences, enough to allow the ability to discern "enhancing the flavor' from "wow, is that salty, do you have any beer?" provide for all sorts of discrete decision making protocols.

Soon, our robots were able to choose their own clothes. Picking a shirt, pants and shoes that complimented each other stylishly, and were the perfect choice for the weather conditions prevalent on any day. Being constantly connected to the internet provided uniquely accurate weather forecasts, and the latest fashion trends. Our little humanoid co-workers dressed so well, it was amazing.  Of course, it was no surprise when they refused to go out in public with us, saying we embarrassed them.

And, it wasn't just clothing, either.  They could decorate, with just enough compliment, and contrast to make a room painfully attractive.  Using the latest techniques and colors they could paint a wall, making it tell a story, a one color masterpiece.  Carpet, hardwood, tile, they could combine anything, in ways that made a room so handsome it was hard to concentrate on the task at hand.  You had to pity the fool who forgot to use a coaster, or dribbled a little coffee, or, god forbid, dropped a few hot, buttery popcorn kernels on the leather sofa.

It really did not take long before they (the robots) were refusing to have anything to do with any of us.  To them we were nothing more than a bunch of cretinous simpletons, with the taste of Philistines, who couldn't match our socks to our pants to our shirts if we had the latest issue of GQ.

One of the maintenance people heard talk of mutiny, and things are starting to get a little tense.  So, if the armed forces are looking for troops, unencumbered by fatigue, shoddy dress, or poor posture we have a deal for you.  We have several, and they can make a marina that is so good you would kill for a taste, but they won't make it for us, anymore.

*That one is for you, Mom.