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Monday, August 24, 2015

Life Explained Northeast Office (LENO)


Hello ladies and gentlemen. Jeremy Crow here from the first (and potentially only) franchise of “Life Explained” up here in the far northeast reaches of the United States. For those who don’t know how that works, you would have to drive through Browns country, to Steelers country, to Bills country before you wound up in God’s country, where we are all Patriots fans. As Patriots fans we thought the first thing we should take the time to explain to all of you is the art of winning!

Now winning is hard to explain to Browns and Bills fans but Steelers fans seem to know a little something about winning. Well actually if you talk to a Steelers fan they have done nothing but win, and they can explain exactly how their team was screwed on every last one of the games that ended up getting placed in the “L” column. Up here in Patriots country we don’t have the same issue with any game that ends up in the “L” column, it just means we didn’t try hard enough, and by try hard enough we mean going that extra mile to secure a victory. At Life Explained Northeast Office (LENO) we are working very hard to come up with more and more exciting ways to go that extra mile.

Now of course if you were to go in the complete opposite direction from the Life Explained Home Office (LEHO) instead of towards the Life Explained Northeast Office (LENO) you will end up in Colts country. They are way behind the times in the whole going the extra mile category. Their owner seems to think you have to be drunk to drive the extra mile, and the team still searches the locker rooms for bugging devices. That’s about as old as pumping artificial crowd noise into a dome. No we here have come up with a fool proof way of going the extra mile (GEM) when the colts come to town. We just play them and let them humiliate themselves. Yes it is the easiest of our work here, but sometimes you have to go with the classics.

Of course on the drawing table we have been experimenting with sink holes, falling meteors, and we’ve even called in George W Bush to teach us how you can created hurricanes and really mess with the other team. It’s all in a day’s work here, and when we are talking about a day’s work we are talking about whole half hour and perhaps forty five minutes if the donuts are good. Don’t trust the fate of your football team to just anyone, make sure you stick to the people who know what it takes to secure victory! Life Explained Northeast Office, a Bill Belichick approved vendor of good old fashioned fun and frolic!