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Monday, November 30, 2015

Christmas, Time to Gear Up.

It would be a good time to start thinking about the coming apocalypse. Of course we are talking about Christmas.  The need to find the perfect gift, and make sure all the people know who is responsible for such a wonderful gift. Spend enough that it will be regretted until the next Christmas.

Oh, and don't forget the decorations, what would Christmas be without all of the glaring, gaudy lights, and loud, obnoxious sweaters. Oh, and remember the music, no one ever gets enough Christmas music. Make sure it is loud enough to be heard passing asteroids.

Rush around, store to store, snapping at other shoppers, and greedily snatching things off shelves. Snarling, angry, and hostile. What would Christmas be without yelling at a cashier, or stock clerk. Stupid, incompetent minimum wage people, just trying to ruin your holidays.

In the midst of all the mad shopping, baking, decorating, wrapping, and celebrating it is vital you take a enough time to complain endlessly to family, coworkers, clergy people, everybody you can, about how stressful the holidays are for you. Let them know how much you have to do, and how little it is appreciated. People want to know. It won't really be Christmas without that.

But, perhaps most important, regale everyone with tales of Christmas from your youth. How you would chop your own tree using a blade fashioned from the teeth of a long deceased predator. Decorated with the tears of angels shed over the sacrifice of your youth toiling in the coal mines. How your mom would give you a baked potato for lunch and you would carry it in your pocket so it would stay warm. And you and your dozens of siblings would exchange gifts, made by hand from the fruits of a simple existence ripped from the wilds of the new world.

Now that's Christmas.