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Thursday, November 19, 2015

Game Enhancement Technology [GET]


Hello friends of Life Explained Northeastern Office [LENO] and we appreciate all of the e-mail and letters we have been receiving lately after we released our newest innovation code named Game Enhancement Technology [GET] which is the next frontier in the game enhancement that those around the NFL [NO FUN LEAGUE] have come to expect from us. With a little help from our software engineers that we have partnered with over the last several months [VOLKSWAGEN] we have enhanced the grand old game in new and special ways, that you barely notice, but make all the difference. We are happy to release the technical notes of our latest GET project code named GETtheBills which was a long and arduous process that will finally pay it's dividends Monday Night when the beloved Patriots [YAY] play the Bills [BOO].

In the interest of transparency, and also the need to brag, the technical notes of the formation of GETtheBills is as follows.

1. Install 2 amazingly sub-par quarterbacks into the Jets [BOO] system and systematically use them to humiliate the Jets [BOO]
2. Release all of the videos of the Jets [BOO] head coach Rex Ryan [LOL] and his strange obsession with his wife's feet.
3. Rely on the stupidest owner in the history of the NFL [SEE ABOVE] to fire the said head coach.
4. Convince the new owners of the Bills [BOO] that quarterbacks don't matter, weird foot fetishes in public settings and posted to the internet is cool, and the owner of the Jets [BOO] is an idiot.
5. Let Rex be Rex

It was an ingenious bit of programming that had been in the works long before we added German technology to our application processes, only to be enhanced by further GET technology. By this time next week we will be finishing up GETtheBroncos and implementing it alongside the technology that we had installed years ago, when we convinced the second stupidest owner in the history of the NFL [NEVER MIND] that quarterbacks get old.

Now for an added treat! We shall take you to our fan mail of the week!

We have a wonderful e-mail from a gentleman in Pittsburgh ...

What the CENSORED did you CENSORED do to the headsets in the season opener huh? I bet you think you're pretty CENSORED smart don't you? All that rapist and dog killer smack was pretty CENSORED brilliant too you CENSORED CENSORED dog CENSORED CENSORED eating CENSORED! .. Signed. CENSORED CENSORED!

Dear CENSORED CENSORED!
We are sorry that you were perturbed by our comments about your quarterbacks. As far as the headsets go, all we can say is that we can't control acts of God. Like the fact that God obviously hates your CENSORED team, but who are we to argue with God? .. Signed Life Explained Northeastern Office [LENO]