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Sunday, February 14, 2016

How to Live Happily, by Life Explained.

Since today is Saint Valentine's Day it seems appropriate to talk a little about how to have a successful marriage. Keep in mind that success is a somewhat user definable word, some consider the lack of failure to be success. Moreover marriage, for the sake of this lesson can include a wide variety of lengthy relationships, including having a job, owning a pet, or watching a television series.

Essentially, this post is going to teach you how to successfully not fail at almost everything that could possibly happen.

1. Lower your expectations. The less you expect the more likely you are to be happy. Generally speaking, there are billions of people in the world, and only so much of the good stuff that makes life great. If you have enough to be slightly above miserable, you are successful. Good Job, sport, pat yourself on the back.

2. Learn to cook. Basically, the world is divided into two types of people, those who can cook and those who will clean the kitchen if somebody else cooks. In the grand scheme of things cooking is much less distasteful than doing dishes, so make sure you get to be the one to make the mess. This also makes it much easier to ignore the disaster that strikes every time you try to bread chicken, "my God, how did you get flour on the ceiling?"  "Cooking is an act of passion, and must be entered into with abandon, now mop the ceiling." Score one for the chef!

Order your "I'm with Me" shirt today.
3. As a side note to rule 2, make sure you have enough cash, or credit, that when it comes time to order takeout you fall firmly in the "I'll buy, you fly," category. There are few things that are more miserable than coming home on Friday, after a week that lasted almost a month, popping open a beer, sitting around in your best sweats, the greasy, paint splattered ones that say, "I'm with stupid" and have an arrow pointing at your head, and having to drive over to Geppetto's to pick up a couple of pies. Way to game the system, you are a winner.

4. Don't be a jerk. If someone offends you ignore them. There are better ways to waste your time than letting the world step all over what could probably be a mediocre day, with very few real problems. Let's hear if for you, you are the man.

5. When you get an email, always take at least ten minutes before pressing delete without reading it. If you delete it right away people will think you don't have anything to do, and might have the time to do something. Doing things can provide so many opportunities for failure. Failure is not going to make you happy. Sprinkles for everyone, sprinkles are for winners.

6. Count to ten, I don't know why, but that is advice on a lot of lists about living a healthy life. Better yet, count to fifteen, is ten is good fifteen must be great. And we think you are great.

Follow these simple rules and you will have a happy marriage, job, and life, your pets will be happy, and television will be so much better. We know you can do it. For those who don't like to read, here it is in video format.