Valentines Day, Dinner and a Movie, Thanks to the Spirit World.

"Hey, good looking, where have you
been all my afterlife?"

Last week was Saint Valentine's Day. A day for grand romantic gestures and overt displays of love and affection, sweet, chocolaty morsels, bouquets of fragrant, flowering beauty. My wife does not want a lot of chocolate, she is worried about the calories and the sugar. So, I got her a Ouija Board game.

A Ouija Board is has the alphabet and numbers 1 through 9, plus the words yes and no, and the
shortcut words of hello and goodbye (for ease of communication) printed on the front. By placing your fingers on the "planchette"  and asking questions you can seek guidance from the spirit world. Nothing says love like the ability to communicate with the dead.

We sat down to find solutions to a few problems we have been struggling with. Mostly they involve what to have for dinner*. It can be a struggle to find the right thing night after night. Week in and week out. An endless parade of meals, pots, pans, dirty dishes, and countless trips to the grocery store. And as soon as you finish washing, drying and putting away the plates from one meal you have to start thinking about the next.

"Dang, that was good. What do you want for dinner* tomorrow night?"

"I don't know. What do you want?"

Every night for almost thirty years. Since we had the Ouija board game anyway, and we didn't really know what to ask this seemed like genius.

Oh my God. Don't ever ask anybody who roamed the earth thousands of years ago about planning a menu. They ate like animals. No wonder everybody died so young. It was better than eating dinner*.

So, we're back to square one. Though we won't be having anything with brain. Tonight we are going to see if the spirits have any advice on evening television, we can never agree on what to watch.

I would like to apologize to President's Day. Life Explained is running a little behind and we should be able to cover the importance of today by Wednesday, Thursday, at the latest.



* Feel free to substitute the word supper here. Some people are very indignant about this. I don't want to step on anybody's toes, so supper, dinner, you can call it evening breakfast, I am fine with them all.

A New Day, A New Adventure, Right?

Today, when I left home, my wife told me to try to lighten up a little. Things have been kind of dark lately. She is, often, the best gauge of my mental condition. Driving to work I thought about what she said, and knew she was right. Life has been too morbid lately. Headlines have consumed substance, reality has been replaced by superficial concerns, and it has really put a zap on my spirit. With that in mind I was going to write a list of my five favorite apps.

After a lot of thought it was impossible to narrow it down to five. I do love apps, little bitty gifts from the gods of technology. And you know something, I can never scroll past a post or article about apps. If it has the headline "15 great free apps," or anything similar I am hooked. Normally I end up getting one or two of them, and they aren't always so great. But, If you want to know which app is best for any particular task just send me a question at TweetTweetJohn@yahoo.com and I will be glad to give you my opinion, even if I have to make it up.*

I decided to go with sports., Unfortunately, right now the whole world is obsessed with Super Bowl commercials, and long ago I made the decision to boycott the commercials. It might give me something to discuss with my coworkers. Monday, I was at the dentist getting some small procedure done, really small, it didn't even require Novocaine, and in the middle there was a feature on the national morning news show previewing the super bowl commercials. My dentist, and his assistant had to stop, despite having all four hands and several sharp, sadistic, pointed things in my mouth, and watch, in rapt attention. It has become obscenely spiritual for the world. Despite all of our differences everyone can agree the Doritos commercial was fantastic. I don't even care who wins the football game, though oddly enough I do care who loses. Sports was out.

And it is too early for the Life Explained Lawn Care and Gardening Extravaganza, and too late for the 100 Best Christmas Gifts to Give to a Life Explained Staff Writer. But, Valentines Day is coming, and by an odd coincidence, I have actually been to Valentine, NE. So I decided to go with that.

Last time we were in South Dakota, and we had to go to Nebraska I told my wife, "don't worry, I
know how to get to there," Unfortunately, I did, but not the way we were supposed to go. We ended up 75 miles, or about 75 miles east, of Valentine, in Ainsworth, Of course, from what little I could tell, there is not a lot of difference between Ainsworth and Valentine (they are both lovely, little Nebraska towns) except for geographical placement. And the only real tragedy was we were heading for Valentine, and points south. So, my wife sighed, turned west and rolled her eyes up in her head so far it looked painful, and asked what we should do for lunch. She has become accustomed to my navigational adventures.

To my wife; Happy Valentines Day! Where do you want to go for dinner, I will get directions.



* Not really, I will probably at least look into it, and read something about great apps for whatever you asked about, before I make something up.

How to Live Happily, by Life Explained.

Since today is Saint Valentine's Day it seems appropriate to talk a little about how to have a successful marriage. Keep in mind that success is a somewhat user definable word, some consider the lack of failure to be success. Moreover marriage, for the sake of this lesson can include a wide variety of lengthy relationships, including having a job, owning a pet, or watching a television series.

Essentially, this post is going to teach you how to successfully not fail at almost everything that could possibly happen.

1. Lower your expectations. The less you expect the more likely you are to be happy. Generally speaking, there are billions of people in the world, and only so much of the good stuff that makes life great. If you have enough to be slightly above miserable, you are successful. Good Job, sport, pat yourself on the back.

2. Learn to cook. Basically, the world is divided into two types of people, those who can cook and those who will clean the kitchen if somebody else cooks. In the grand scheme of things cooking is much less distasteful than doing dishes, so make sure you get to be the one to make the mess. This also makes it much easier to ignore the disaster that strikes every time you try to bread chicken, "my God, how did you get flour on the ceiling?"  "Cooking is an act of passion, and must be entered into with abandon, now mop the ceiling." Score one for the chef!

Order your "I'm with Me" shirt today.

3. As a side note to rule 2, make sure you have enough cash, or credit, that when it comes time to order takeout you fall firmly in the "I'll buy, you fly," category. There are few things that are more miserable than coming home on Friday, after a week that lasted almost a month, popping open a beer, sitting around in your best sweats, the greasy, paint splattered ones that say, "I'm with stupid" and have an arrow pointing at your head, and having to drive over to Geppetto's to pick up a couple of pies. Way to game the system, you are a winner.

4. Don't be a jerk. If someone offends you ignore them. There are better ways to waste your time than letting the world step all over what could probably be a mediocre day, with very few real problems. Let's hear if for you, you are the man.

5. When you get an email, always take at least ten minutes before pressing delete without reading it. If you delete it right away people will think you don't have anything to do, and might have the time to do something. Doing things can provide so many opportunities for failure. Failure is not going to make you happy. Sprinkles for everyone, sprinkles are for winners.

6. Count to ten, I don't know why, but that is advice on a lot of lists about living a healthy life. Better yet, count to fifteen, is ten is good fifteen must be great. And we think you are great.

Follow these simple rules and you will have a happy marriage, job, and life, your pets will be happy, and television will be so much better. We know you can do it. For those who don't like to read, here it is in video format.