Married Life, and Other War Stories #FixThePlus

Anybody who knows me will tell you I love to go grocery shopping. It is a thrill, aisle after aisle of tasty treats. Food from one end to the other, with beer, and wine, and in some stores, bourbon. When you shuffle off this mortal coil and join the choir invisible you may actually get a job working at Kroger (our favorite grocery store). Of course, all of the customers will have a tab that never needs paid so they just stop by and grab what they need, thank you profusely, and go home. While you get to stock the snack crackers right next to the canned, spray cheese, and realize that there is a heaven.

Anybody who knows my wife can tell you she does not like to take me shopping with her. She is a shopping machine, a super human calculator. Constantly adjusting her savings strategy based on availability. Scanning coupons, and combining mentally the "8 for 8" sale, of the "Buy 10 save 10" values. While performing some complicated mental mathematics involving the various discounts from combining several specials, and coupons she doesn't want to stop and talk about how delicious a root beer float might be after dinner, "oh by the way, what do you want for dinner? Chili dogs would be good."

All of this means I don't get to go very often. But, sometimes I weasel my way into her good graces, and she takes me. On those rare occasions I have to make sure things go according to plan. When she stops to choose the combinations of soups I drop a pack of boxed cupcakes in the cart. It has to be smooth, so she doesn't notice the movement. It has to be concealed, maybe behind the cauliflower, and broccoli. Here is today's shopping tip, don't hide them under the cases of bottled water, they become very difficult to eat.

It is a good idea to have a few handy phrases loaded up and ready to use. I like "Yes, I was kind of surprised when you grabbed the shopping cart with all of the candy bars stacked on your purse and the diet cola, and the fresh fruit like that." Another old favorite, "Those cookies must have fallen in during that earth tremor while we were in 'aisle 6, cookies, crackers, potato chips and assorted breakfast pastries.' What an aisle that is, huh? We should go through there one more time." It is important to say this casually, don't let your voice tremble. You have to be cool, or she will see right through you, this is just a little trip down memory lane.

That is enough for today, tune in tomorrow, to find out how to negotiate an action movie on Netflix, you don't want to miss that.

And now an update, #FixThePlus

As I have said recently, often, and to everybody who will listen, I am writing a book. It is a delightful hobby. One that I recommend with unbridled enthusiasm. The book is coming along better than I had ever hoped. Of course, dreams of fame, fortune and acclaim dance through my days, but harsh reality pushes those aside. And like my blogging it has to be for me.

But, as the novel grows and twists and takes paths it is an exercise of reason and management. It is like a building a model with from a pile of plastic scraps with no directions. There is a general idea of the appearance and the shape, uses and structure are indeterminate, but the form gives hints.

You have to breathe life into characters that have never existed. They need stories beyond the novel to make them whole. You have to tell stories that you don't get to share.

There are locations to be invented, filled with people and things. Shops, restaurants, gas stations, churches. It is your world, and it can be as wonderful, ordinary, or miserable as you please.The world in my novel is evolving, sometimes to match my desires, sometimes all by itself.

If you have ever thought about writing a novel stop thinking, start writing. It is in there trying to get out. You will have a lot of fun, and if you aren't careful you will learn a little something about yourself.

This has been a public service announcement, #FixThePlus

Blogging is similar to a public service announcement. A blogger announces something to the public, who normally ignores it. And then the cycle starts over again. I could write they are giving away omelets at the Embassy Suites in La Vista NE* and nobody would pay much attention. This makes me kind of like a public servant, so I am going on break, and will be back in fifteen minutes, plus the time it takes me to walk to the break room, nobody is getting over on me.**

The point is being ignored is a uniquely powerful manifestation of modern technology. No longer am I being ignored by my family, friends, and coworkers. Well, they are still ignoring me, but thanks to the wonders of the world wide web they have been joined by powerful people around the globe. World leaders, great thinkers, scientists. philosophers, poets, people of every type are not reading this right now.

My voice is a beacon of hope that is echoing unheard throughout the universe! If there is life on other planets they are paying no attention to what I have to say. I am as anonymous in the far reaches of the Milky Way as I am on Earth. Imagine the power.

If there is an afterlife they have no idea what I am going on about on a daily basis. Ghosts, spirits,
angels, zombies, vampires and werewolves are not aware of this blog and the secrets it holds. And these are creatures with a lot of time on their hands.

With that in mind, "they are giving away dollar bills on the corner of third and main. hurry before they are gone.

This has been a public service announcement.

* Only if you are an overnight guest, though, or use the secret password "IAmAnOvernightGuest."  keep it secret, please.

** Just kidding, I have nothing but respect for public servants, particularly the fine people of the DMV who have so far managed to ignore my keen sense of humor, and glare with stony indifference to my inspired jokes about dressing up and combing my hair for the picture on my drivers license, that kind of discipline is inspirational.

The Only Blogging Advice You Need. #FixThePlus

Blogging is an odd thing. It is something you have to do for yourself. And when I started, so long, so many posts ago, I did. Of course I always wanted people to read them, else why bother, but I was prepared to put it out there and be ignored. For the first several years that is what happened.

Then I started reading The Whacko Blogs. And I started to learn a few things. And the creator and genius, +Jeremy Crow  behind the whole group of blogs offered to help me. And he did. And people started reading my posts. With the help of his graphically gifted wife he redesigned my blogs, making them appealing and much easier to read.

Jeremy does not have any secrets to his success, he has steps to being successful. And he is willing to share them. His advice is practical and concrete, there is no jargon, no indecipherable acronyms, just guidelines on attracting and keeping readers. Moreover he is willing to let everybody know how to do things the right way.

Yesterday I was reading his Fitness Blog, another place where he helps people without judgement, without reservation, and with his own style, and noticed the list of his other blogs at the bottom. A simple message and a little help and I had my own.

If you are a blogger, or enjoy reading blogs, Jeremy is the guy to follow. If you want to get healthier Jeremy is the guy to follow. If you want a good laugh Jeremy is the guy to follow. He is the guy, in general.

On this #followFriday, the best thing you can do is follow The Whacko Blogs, and Jeremy. It is all the blogging advice you need, in one sentence.

Thank you, Jeremy, you are the man.

A Plea for Help and a Plea to #fixtheplus

We are now entering the second round of the NCAA tournament. "The round of thirty two." And I have yet to watch a complete game. Part of it has been the fact that I have been consumed by writing and "researching"* my book.** But mostly it has been terribly busy at work, which is where I have historically started.

It seemed sickening that people would want their product shipped at such an inopportune time as the first round of the NCAA tournament. What kind of monsters are we doing business with.

But, I realized that most of the problem came with our international distributors. Turns out people in Europe, scattered around the Pacific Rim, in the Middle East, and other places not in the US care very little for the sanctity of the tournament.

So, I come to you, Life Explained Nation, well nation is probably the wrong term, Life Explained
Universe, if you live in another country tell your friends, coworkers, employers, everybody you know, about the importance of getting things done in advance of the NCAA tournament next year.

Muscles not to scale

It might not hurt to take out an ad in the local paper, or buy some time during a news broadcast. Whatever it takes to get the word out.

Thank you, we appreciate your support,

Sincerely,

Life Explained, department of basketball watching.






*Which involved poking around online for Missouri River dams in South Dakota, and then deciding to send my cousins husband a facebook message, he knows a lot about South Dakota, and the Missouri River (thanks Randy). And then poking around a little more on line and eventually asking my son about Viking religious beliefs, particularly the beliefs about life after death, he knows a lot about history, sometimes more than I can believe (thank you, son).

**I would like to apologize for this latest plug for an unfinished novel (close to finished, though), I'm sorry. And I would like to promise you it won't happen again, but that would be a lie. In fact, we, here at Life Explained, are looking for someone to head up our new "Shameless Self Promotion" department. Must have an oversized ego, and the ability to send messages to people who know stuff, and things.

#FixThePlus It can't be that hard.

It isn't often I get to take part in a groundswell movement, a grass roots campaign. My doctor tells me I am naturally lacking in intestinal fortitude and have an indelible yellow streak running up my back and I should avoid anything that resembles taking a stand. And I try to be a good patient, particularly when it isn't difficult, or painful, or time consuming. Not taking a stand falls squarely into the easy, painless, quick remedies of which I am so fond.

However, +Jeremy Crow  has called to action all of his comrades on Google + in a #fixtheplus revolution. I am joining the sons of the proletariat in an irresistible force, or an unmovable object, can I get a ruling from the judges on this? We are going to stand up to the bourgeois, we are taking the fight to the callous powers in charge of Google.

Of course it is not without risk (well it is probably completely without risk which is why I jumped in so quickly) but we are asking for your support, here on Super Tuesday, to end, or begin every post with a #FixThePlus hashtag.

It will probably be a hollow gesture, one that will fall hopelessly off the side of the Google Behemoth as it stream rolls relentlessly over some body else's entertainment chasing some new electronic marvel in a quest to make a fortune and prove that we are helpless against that kind of money and power.

But, it could be fun, and if it works out we might aim a little higher next time. We might ask for alternate characters in the font sets. Now that would be cool.

#fixtheplus