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Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Is that a new Kayak or are you just glad to see me?

Last night, despite a rational, normal, completely healthy fear of water and a deep seated, logical hatred for boats, I bought a kayak. Why? Let me tell you. Actually, I don't know why. As hard as I have tried I can't explain it. I have wanted a Kayak for years. I told my neighbor, who works at Cabela's to keep his eye open and he said "I have one in the Bargain Cave."

It was less than half price. It was less than half price, and it is a beauty. It is 11 foot long, and has a places for fishing poles. There is webbing and a covered hole in the middle for stuff, and some pockets, and things that are too complicated to explain to a bunch of landlubbers. But, there are some serious nautical accessories on this bad boy.

And it makes me feel a little like Conrad or Melville, or Coleridge. And I want to say things like "the starboard swain is lobbed with brine and Doubloons, and we need to make waves, me hearty." But, I don't, at least not yet.

It would probably be wise to wait until I have actually put the thing in water and sat inside it before I start "swapping the poop, matey."

Ohio requires kayaks to be licensed. In fact, if you read the ODNR propaganda almost anything that floats needs to be licensed. And I do want to buy a flotation device, a good one, a flotation device that will withstand a Mark 48 torpedo strike. If you know of a life vest built to survive a nuclear incident and costs less than $50.00 please send me a link. It will be a few days until we take our inaugural voyage.

Until then we are going to have a little contest. A Name the Kayak contest. Think, with all the intellectual muscle you can muster of a name for this little beauty. Then either put it in the comments, or email me at, or tweet me timclark_tweets, or post it on Facebook at, or send a smoke signal, flash it in semaphore, this is going to be pretty relaxed.

The winner gets the satisfaction of a job well done. The runner up gets the satisfaction of a job almost well done. Third place entrant gets to know that they weren't the worst, unless there are only three entries, of course. Try to avoid names like SS Sinking, Deep Six, Widow Maker, or Wow, is that guy stupid, please. Have a little fun, and be creative, you could be the BIG WINNER.