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Saturday, August 20, 2016

Look Out Universe - Here I Come


Jester's Log. Stardate 2016.08.20. As I start my new mission to locate and communicate with life outside our planet, I can't help but wonder about the overall ramifications of taking on such a daunting task. The first step in my plan is to....Wait. Stop. I should probably introduce myself first.

For those of you who may be a little behind on reading the Life Explained posts, I recently submitted my application for employment with the Life Explained: Deep Space Colonization Department. As I suspected, management only took a cursory glance at my application and accepted me into the fold. It could have been a glance while cursing that I was the only option, but the truth may never be known. I am here nonetheless and look forward to providing the random rambling reports I have been tasked with providing.

You may be wondering who this guy is and what outstanding qualifications he has for this position. Well, I can answer the first half, but I'm still working on the latter half. In a nutshell, I have been covering the light topics of family, religion, politics and social unrest on my home blog average jester. (<-- My one, and possibly only, shameless plug) I have decided it's time to up my game and start tackling the tough stuff: The Explanation of Life

Why did I do this and what's in it for me?

Riches
Although I have not taken this role in order to build up my bank account, I was excited to learn I'd be making 60% more income than I receive at my current blogging gig. I have my 2nd grade daughter doing the math for me since I struggle with fractions and decimals. So, whatever 160% of $0 is - that's what I'll be raking in on a monthly basis. I already have a new truck picked out for when my royalties start rolling in.

Fame
I have been living the blogging dream saddled with the name "average jester." There's just something about the word average that seems to put the breaks on one's rise to stardom. Since I saddled myself with that name, there's not much I can do about it for now but ride it. I have not yet heard what my new position's official title is, but I can only assume it will be something like "Senior Vice President, Sub Arctic Division." (SVP-SAD for short)

Insurance
My understanding is that there's no insurance policies with this position. Something about the combination of deep space exploration and accident prone co-workers that the underwriters don't like. This doesn't bother me though. Even moderate insurance policies have ridiculous premiums and I want my truck sooner than later. Why waste my hard earned cash on insurance??

Location
I can't say much about where my division is located. Let's just say it's a double pinkie swear, top secret, covert satellite office that's about as far away from the New Mexico headquarters one can get (climately speaking) while still remaining in the States. Basically, I don't have a long drive to work.

My Mission
Officially, the only direction I have received to date from headquarters is that I should assist them with the overall explanation of life. I have been given a pretty free reign. I have taken it upon myself to focus on explaining Life on Earth to any interstellar travelers who have an internet connection.

In my mind, we (Earthlings) have kind of stalled out on our space mission. Due to this fact, I believe any non-Earthly assistance we can get would be beneficial. Plus, they clearly know more about space colonization than I do. With that in mind, I will do my best to report on Earth activities in a manner that is not only educational for our otherworldly friends, but also somewhat digestible in written form without causing a cryogenic sleep state prematurely.

Mission 1: 
I will be adventuring out to explore and document a completely misunderstood event that happens all across the US throughout the summer months - Parades. My fellow earthlings understand the festivities, but any non-earthly entities observing a parade could easily misunderstand what they are seeing and be frightened off. With all the flashing lights, loud noises, marching bands and parade marchers throwing candy at the spectators - who can blame them?

Well, I'm off to begin this new adventure. I hope you tag along for the ride. (Hang on tight - It might be bumpy.) Feel free to comment and let me know about any other possibly misunderstood Earthly activities that might need clarification for potential alien counterparts. Your assistance is greatly appreciated. Until next time....