Hello, my name is Susan Leighton.  I wanted to introduce myself to all of you since Tim Clark, the CEO of Life Explained recruited me for the Deep Space Exploration project among other things. Tim, I have to hand it to you, what a sense of humor!  I really loved the fact that you had a car pick me up in the middle of the night. I thought it was kind of unusual especially when that convincing gentleman told me I needed to wear a blindfold but with the money you are paying me, who is going to complain? Or compare it to a kidnapping?  Not me!

Anyway, I am the SVP of the PRD. We here at LE love talking in acronyms.  It makes everything sound so much more important than it is, harder to decipher and mysterious!  As the SVP of the PRD, one of my tasks is to ensure that LE is adequately represented across every form of media imaginable and some that aren’t but Jesse Zahrt, our head of R&D insists he is working on. Come on, Jesse, Dr. Data cannot wait forever until you combine the algorithm from our microwave in the breakroom with the code of the Wii in our lounge.  Dr. Data assures me this will create the perfect hologram and as you know, holographic projections are on my list of new media frontiers to conquer so get to work!

I will be in charge of press releases for our upcoming deep space exploration project which means that I will be stuck explaining why things aren’t working. Oh, gosh!  I said that out loud, didn’t I? Damn! I have got to cut back on these Mimosas.  Looks like I am celebrating this new position way too much.  What I meant to say was that I will be the one who will field all the inevitable inquiries from the press, NASA, Ancient Aliens, Vladimir Putin, Hillary Clinton’s hairstylist, and the list goes on and on. Tim and Jesse are way too busy for that nonsense. Besides they need someone like me to take on those pundits so they can be free to do whatever it is they do.

One of my first orders of business will be to appoint a galactic/intergalactic ambassador. This will be very important as we set out to colonize the universe and eventually other galaxies. We will need someone who is experienced in dealing with the unknown.  Someone who is interested in seeking out strange new worlds and boldly going where no one has gone before and yada, yada, yada. Now I must mention that this position will be very prominent.  That being said our vetting process will be rather rigorous.

I have already begun taking applications. I had a very promising candidate, Jim Kirk from Iowa.  He had tons of experience but unfortunately when our sources here at LE started our confirmation investigation, there was a scandal that occurred several years ago at his last employer that involved him and a woman named Janice Rand. Unfortunately, we were not able to offer him the position.

I also received another promising resume from a D. Vader.  However, when I went to call his references, they turned out to be bogus.  I got tired of chasing down Mr. Palpatine who I am told has been retired for several years.

If you think you have the right stuff, by all means do not hesitate to send your resume to LE. We are an EOE. We also accept GED, BA, BFA, BS, MA, MFA, MS, and PhD’s.  Am I forgetting anything? Oh yes! We also abide by OSHA as well.  Like I said, don’t these acronyms sound official or officious?  I can’t decide.

Until next time, keep reaching for the stars. We will be. Sometime in the near future. Maybe 20 years from now or a century.  Who is keeping track?

The Techiest of Tech

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Jester’s Log. Mission #2: R&D Off the Rails
Is it just me, or have we really been slacking off in terms of technological advancement? I mean – come on now. It’s been almost 50 years since we put a man on the moon and we don’t have a single donut shop there yet?? What is this world coming to?

As I noted in my last report, we are seriously under-utilizing our technology – or at the very least – focusing on too many of the wrong things. Think about it for a minute. There’s a new cell phone model out every three or four days and 30-40 new apps for that phone since I started writing this report, but we can’t make a hoverboard that doesn’t instantly burst into flames?

We at Life Explained may not exactly be running on the bleeding edge of technological advancement with our tin can phones between our offices and all, but that’s due to a little glitch in the finance department. It’s our heart and vision that count. Our Research and Development team is working around the clock (fancy talk for “off the clock”) to take the next logical step in technology needed for deep space colonization: Teleportation

The rocket scientists of the world have already proven they’re capable of building spacecraft and space stations, so there’s no real challenge left in that. The real issue we’re concerned with now is the sheer amount of time it takes to travel through space. That’s all the more important because it’s not “deep” space colonization unless you get out towards Mars at least. Apparently most people don’t like the idea of an 8-10 month trip in a spacecraft to get to their destination.

Besides the pure awesome factor of teleportation, it’s a legitimate need to get people, supplies and building materials to our remote colonization sites. It’s a fine line between urgent and responsible – which has long been a stumbling block for us. Fear not though, we have learned our lesson and will be taking extra precautions this time around.

Once we figure out the minor details like the Physics and mechanics behind making teleportation work, we will do a few test runs. We will begin the testing by sending non-essential things like building supplies and politicians so there is nothing lost if things go sideways on us. Once we complete a couple of successful trial runs, we’ll be ready for action.

Another issue has been brought to my attention that I feel warrants more research and a report at a later date: Conspiracy Theories. Our society churning out large groups of non-trusting and argumentative folks who want to deny just about anything.

Because of this, we will remain completely transparent in our progress towards successful teleportation. I’m not sure that would be an issue considering we like to brag about all our successes. At least that’s what we plan to do when we have one. Until next time….

Look Out Universe - Here I Come

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Jester's Log. Stardate 2016.08.20. As I start my new mission to locate and communicate with life outside our planet, I can't help but wonder about the overall ramifications of taking on such a daunting task. The first step in my plan is to....Wait. Stop. I should probably introduce myself first.

For those of you who may be a little behind on reading the Life Explained posts, I recently submitted my application for employment with the Life Explained: Deep Space Colonization Department. As I suspected, management only took a cursory glance at my application and accepted me into the fold. It could have been a glance while cursing that I was the only option, but the truth may never be known. I am here nonetheless and look forward to providing the random rambling reports I have been tasked with providing.

You may be wondering who this guy is and what outstanding qualifications he has for this position. Well, I can answer the first half, but I'm still working on the latter half. In a nutshell, I have been covering the light topics of family, religion, politics and social unrest on my home blog average jester. (<-- My one, and possibly only, shameless plug) I have decided it's time to up my game and start tackling the tough stuff: The Explanation of Life

Why did I do this and what's in it for me?

Riches
Although I have not taken this role in order to build up my bank account, I was excited to learn I'd be making 60% more income than I receive at my current blogging gig. I have my 2nd grade daughter doing the math for me since I struggle with fractions and decimals. So, whatever 160% of $0 is - that's what I'll be raking in on a monthly basis. I already have a new truck picked out for when my royalties start rolling in.

Fame
I have been living the blogging dream saddled with the name "average jester." There's just something about the word average that seems to put the breaks on one's rise to stardom. Since I saddled myself with that name, there's not much I can do about it for now but ride it. I have not yet heard what my new position's official title is, but I can only assume it will be something like "Senior Vice President, Sub Arctic Division." (SVP-SAD for short)

Insurance
My understanding is that there's no insurance policies with this position. Something about the combination of deep space exploration and accident prone co-workers that the underwriters don't like. This doesn't bother me though. Even moderate insurance policies have ridiculous premiums and I want my truck sooner than later. Why waste my hard earned cash on insurance??

Location
I can't say much about where my division is located. Let's just say it's a double pinkie swear, top secret, covert satellite office that's about as far away from the New Mexico headquarters one can get (climately speaking) while still remaining in the States. Basically, I don't have a long drive to work.

My Mission
Officially, the only direction I have received to date from headquarters is that I should assist them with the overall explanation of life. I have been given a pretty free reign. I have taken it upon myself to focus on explaining Life on Earth to any interstellar travelers who have an internet connection.

In my mind, we (Earthlings) have kind of stalled out on our space mission. Due to this fact, I believe any non-Earthly assistance we can get would be beneficial. Plus, they clearly know more about space colonization than I do. With that in mind, I will do my best to report on Earth activities in a manner that is not only educational for our otherworldly friends, but also somewhat digestible in written form without causing a cryogenic sleep state prematurely.

Mission 1: 
I will be adventuring out to explore and document a completely misunderstood event that happens all across the US throughout the summer months - Parades. My fellow earthlings understand the festivities, but any non-earthly entities observing a parade could easily misunderstand what they are seeing and be frightened off. With all the flashing lights, loud noises, marching bands and parade marchers throwing candy at the spectators - who can blame them?

Well, I'm off to begin this new adventure. I hope you tag along for the ride. (Hang on tight - It might be bumpy.) Feel free to comment and let me know about any other possibly misunderstood Earthly activities that might need clarification for potential alien counterparts. Your assistance is greatly appreciated. Until next time....