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Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Multitasking Malfunction

Jester's Log. Mission #3: The Greatest Conspiracy in the History of Man
The original intent of this mission was to research conspiracy theories and how they get in the way of dreamers like us at Life Explained trying to solve the world's problems. Normally I would fly into this mission like all the others - with my eyes closed and one arm tied behind my back. Conspiracy theories are an entirely different animal though. People have been killed, disposed of and never heard from again just for uncovering the truth.

Because of this, I chose to call a meeting of the minds at the Life Explained Deep Space Colonization Department. This would be a great opportunity to discuss the conspiracy theory I was going to be responsible for exposing to the world. It would also give the rest of the department one last chance to say farewell to me as it is a mission that will most likely get me killed.

As I was walking to the meeting, the conspiracy theory to investigate presented itself to me. I realized I was walking, talking (to myself) and chewing gum at the same time. In other words, I was multitasking. That's when it dawned on me that "multitasking" is the single greatest conspiracy ever inflicted on mankind.

Multitasking is a conspiracy created, endorsed and enforced by the business world overlords. It is a concept to get two or three times the amount of work out of just one person. In reality, it just leaves you with a bunch of half completed tasks and nothing real to show for your efforts. It's also just plain hard work. We are all too familiar with this outcome at Life Explained. (Half completed tasks that is - not the hard work part.)

Because of this we decided to make some changes right then and there in the department meeting. As I looked around the room, people were laughing, joking, eating, drinking, thinking, planning and sleeping. Enough is enough! We put an immediate end to all multi-tasking activities involving more than two tasks at one time.

Because of this plan, most of us spent the rest of the hour eating and drinking in silence and with closed minds. I'm not sure if anything will ever get accomplished at our future department meetings while we still have the snack bar and wet bar, but it's a risk I am willing to take. And it might just save my life.

There are two exceptions to this multitasking rule: Robot workers and Moms

Everyone knows that Moms have an extra set of eyes in the back of their head and a second brain in their purse. This is an unfair advantage in the workplace which is why their full-time employment was so greatly suppressed until the middle of the last century.

A robot workforce on the other hand is an entirely different story. We could really benefit from this at Life Explained. Now I'm not talking about one of those "virtual" employees. We have a Virtual Chief Information Officer (vCIO) at my other gig. Boy was I disappointed when I learned he wasn't really virtual, but rather a real, live human being. Where's the fun in that? We want real nuts, bolts and whiz-bang robots on our payroll. (Disclaimer: The definition pf "Payroll" may vary.)

I feel this will be the innovation we need to take the next big step towards deep space colonization. We really have to try it out because we're not going to get anything done with the current two task limit in the office. Just remember: Say no to multitasking. It's the root of all evil. Until next time....