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Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Funding Feasibility


Jester's Log. Mission #5: Financial Aid
I have been told for years that money doesn't grow on trees. With the exception of my years doing commercial tree work, that statement has proven to be true. It may be one thing to try and support a family on money found growing on trees, but the same cannot be said for running an interstellar company focused on global domination deep space colonization.

In an effort to be fiscally responsible, we got to work on a game plan for greater revenue generation to assist us in our mission to colonize the universe. After a few stumbles, a couple falls and one clearly intentional push down the stairs, we developed an extraordinary plan. Like they say, if at first you don't succeed, keep changing the plan so it looks like you did.

The first phase in our plan was to have everyone donate blood and plasma for a quick income boost. That plan was not as successful as we had hoped. It involved a lot of passing out due to low blood sugar. The Margarita Monday Meeting was a complete disaster.

We moved onto housekeeping as a backup plan. Cleaning up is something we have gotten very good at because we seem to generate a fairly large mess wherever we go. This was unfortunately another swing and a miss. Not wanting to be one-upped by Tim the Toolman Taylor and his "more power" concept, we created a nuclear powered carpet cleaner. That really didn't go well. For those of you with a strong stomach, you can read about it HERE.

This led us to our backup, backup plan - a Taco Truck. We all loved the idea. Apparently a little too much. We had eaten through all our profits (and then some) by 1130am. They repossessed the taco truck an hour later.

Now we were onto the backup, backup, backup, backup plan. Or was it the backup, backup, backup plan? I can't keep track anymore. Anyway, Pet Grooming sounded like it would be the cat's meow. Unfortunately though, Dr. Dawg would hear none of it. There was no way his canine buddies were going to be subjected to a bunch of goofballs like us.

Just when we were going to give up completely and just steal the money like everyone else, Tim came up with a game changing idea: Take over the government. We are of course talking about the completely legitimate presidential election - not a coup. A coup would take far too much effort and expertise.

Step 1: Tim clearly outlined outlined his intention to run for president in his Election 2016 press release.

Step 2: We will own NASA which will help with deep space exploration project

Step 3: We will own OSHA to reduce fines received daily for workplace incidents.

Step 4: We will own the Judicial branch to reduce fines and sentences for the negligent workplace incidents.

Then Dr. Dawg pipes up saying we won't "own" those things because they aren't for sale, but rather government organizations. We fixed that problem too. Dr. Dawg is now head of US Treasury. Thanks to some quick thinking, we will now be able to just (literally) make enough money so we really can own all those things. Dr. Dawg's only stipulation was that he will now be on ALL currency. Whatever. We found a steady source of new income. Who cares what picture is on the money anyway??

I think we pretty much have this one figured out. It's a fool-proof plan...or was it a plan for fools? I can't remember what we decided at the end of the meeting. It was Tacos and Tequila Tuesday afterall.

So, as future President of the United States Tim Clark would say, "Vote early and vote often!" Until next time....