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Saturday, November 12, 2016

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

Friends, we have reached the pinnacle again.  Veterans Day is safely behind us, the last of the regular season holidays.  We have moved on to the holiday playoffs.  Thanksgiving and Christmas.  These are the holidays we have been training for all year long.

If you haven't taken in a Labor Day sale, or two, braved the battle of the post Halloween candy aisle you will not last long.  Many people start training with the dawning of the new year.  Real shoppers don't let a lot of grass grow under their jackboots.

Stores often drop prices dramatically during the New Year Holiday, and the grizzled veterans of Black Friday need the adrenaline high.  It has been a month of intense, brutal combat, fighting tooth and claw for that blouse, going toe to toe with hordes of hardened zealots for the half price video games, digital cameras, computers, and toys, oh the toys, they are to die for, at least maim for.

After that there is a lull, a chance to rest, let the bruises heal, get the stitches removed, have the cast taken off.  Finish the prescription for pain killers.  And get stronger, train, relentlessly prepare.  Holidays are not for the meek.

Before you can say, "I finally have a full range of motion in my shoulder," it is Valentines Day.  Holiday Shopping Boot Camp.   Under cover of love and romance serious shoppers practice their tactics, hone skills, develop that hardened, calloused indifference that will be so crucial in a few short months.  "Oh, look. What a cute little angel...  Give me the damned chocolates, you cow," while brandishing a machete with a heart shaped handle.  

There is barely time to finish physical therapy before Mother's Day, Memorial Day, Graduation sales,
Remember, Santa Knows
Your Blood Type
and Father's Day.  It is like a road map leading to the terrible battles of The 4th of July.  A day of celebration, and conflict over buns, brats, and ribs.  Most barbeque sauce manufacturers have switched to plastic bottles to diminish their value as a bludgeon, or edged weapon.

Soon, Labor Day kicks over the apple cart, and starts the vicious cycle all over again.  There is nothing that prepares a person for the horrors of gift shopping like stocking up on Thanksgiving Day food.

And, there is good news this year, Black Friday is actually going to start on Thursday.  Emergency medical personnel are stocking up on bandages, blood plasma, caffeinated drinks and antidepressants.  Nothing compares with the joy of giving, and giving some stranger a concussion wrestling a single cup coffee maker selling for a ridiculously low price is so joyful.

So, Happy Holidays, from Life Explained, it is magical.  Oh, and don't forget to send us something nice, we have been very good this year.