Help Wanted, desperately, or desperate help, anyway.

Life Explained is hiring. We need a group of product testers. Fearless people who enjoy taking risks, and trying new things. A group of adventurers who love a challenge, and are not bothered by small spaces, large, open areas, heights, or ocean depths. A cadre of dedicated professionals with no family, and very little to live for.

We have decided it is time to design, build and test a device that will reduce people to a beam of energy, and shoot them across the ocean to another device that reconstitute the energy into a person, in more or less the same configuration. We are pretty sure.

Since we all know that flying is probably the worst form of transportation, except for riding on a boat, it is time to find alternatives. Until now if a person wanted to go to Europe they had to risk climbing into an elongated aluminum tube and hurtle through the air, over dangerous, dark, predator filled water, with nothing to comfort them except a brief explanation of the proper procedure to follow after a "water landing." Or, climb on huge, metal container and hope that somehow the laws of displacement and buoyancy hold true, curse you Archimedes. What better way than matter dispersal and reconfiguration. 

We are fairly confident the bugs will be insignificant. It will probably be mostly hair color, and possibly height, and depth, and perhaps width, we can't be too sure.  But, rest assured you will be reassembled, fairly accurately, at the other end.

If you have tattoos you are not happy with this is the perfect job for you. They will probably change, move some place new, and could even end up on someone else, we think.

This could, possibly, be a great way to remove warts, maybe, we think. It is still kind of early, and we don't want to get your hopes up, but you could end up looking really great.

A sense of overwhelming despair, and hopelessness is not required, but probably not a bad idea, either. Oh, by the way, this could cure depression, maybe.

If you are a trend setter, with a cavalier, devil may care attitude, and have no pets, or family that will miss you, and possibly hire a lawyer in the unlikely event things take an unexpected twist send your resume. If you're kind of a drifter with no ties, or friends of any kind, even better.  No experience required.

Life Explained, an equal opportunity employer.

Throwing Caution to the Wind, Again.

On our way back, waiting for our flight, the flight here wasn't too bad. Of course, it wasn't without a few tense moments. Like takeoff, landing, and all of the flying in between.

It became almost surreal, when, about 20 minutes out of Chicago, the pilot announced;

"Due to  budget cuts in air traffic control personnel forced by sequestration  the tower at Midway is understaffed today. I'm afraid that this means we are going to need a little help bringing this baby home. Everybody in front of the wings please look out your windows for other airplanes, if you see one, scream, really loud. As we begin our descent those of you behind the wings will need to let me know how close I am to the ground. Passengers above the wings, you are responsible for praying, earnestly, passionately and with feeling."

It seemed a little suspect, but we made it, and it was nice to help out a little. Maybe flying on Monday will be a little easier. Also, we have decided to go through St. Louis instead. It is named after a saint, that can't hurt.  Let's hope Louis is the patron saint of reasonably priced airport food.

See, These are Things to Worry About.

Texas increases exports to Great Britian.

Britain's first infestation of the deadly Black Widow spider has been discovered in a machinery plant in East Norfolk.

Engineers at the plant discovered the notoriously vicious spider and, after a Google search to identify it, called in pest control. Factory workers and office assistants were evacuated by pest control officers as the spider was sealed in an air tight container.

A nest of eggs was later discovered in the same crate where the spider was originally found after more than 100 baby Black Widows hatched from a small sack the size of a pea.

'You could tell it was a Black Widow because of the hourglass pattern on the thorax and the aggressive stance the spider was taken once trapped in our containers,' said Ian Parkinson, a service manager at Abate Pest Control, who dealt with the request.

''We cordoned off the area in the yard where the spider was discovered and created a ring of insecticide around it. We then used electric and petrol based foggers on the rest of the site.

'After the factory was closed last night we then sprayed the office areas with a water-based insecticide as well.

'We are now satisfied that the premises is safe.'

It is believed that the spiders had come into the country from a delivery of imported machinery goods from Texas.

All products are fumigated before being exported but it remains a mystery as to how the spiders survived.

Mr Parkinson believes that Black Widows can survive up to some weeks after only one large meal so it is not unlikely that they would survive during transit.

Black Widow spiders are considered the most venomous spiders in North America.


The southern Black Widow has the shiny, black, globular abdomen with the distinctive red hourglass on the underside.

There was much skepticism about the potential problems caused by Aggressive Intercontinental Spiders jumping on jets and traveling the globe when first reported in "Another Thing to be Worried About." Experts ridiculed the idea saying "spiders will never be able to get through the rigorous TSA screening process."  Now who is laughing?

TSA head John Pistole refused to comment until reporters had emptied their pockets and taken off their shoes.  We hope to have a full report as soon they get through the metal detectors.

It is getting increasingly difficult to find safety in this world, but until then this site will bring you the difficult truth, because we care.