I made a new friend.

This morning, I went to the kitchen, and as is normally the case, I emptied the dishwasher, and made coffee. On the counter was a cup, turned upside down. Thinking maybe somebody trapped a spider underneath it I just left it alone. Grappling with a spider is no way to start your week.

Attached to the coffee maker, though, was a note, "Don't move coffee cup, an ancient, evil demon of the Moloch variety(the abomination of Annon, the devourer of children, and the innocent) is trapped under there. I accidentally released it opening recently discovered artifacts. I will dispose of it first thing Monday, Bob, Archaeology." Helpfully, it had an arrow drawn that was pointed in the direction of the overturned cup.

That was quite a relief, it wasn't a spider.

"Hey," I asked, "how's it going under there?"

"It's OK, I thought by now you would have better drinking vessels, this is not much of an
improvement from Babylon, though the high gloss finish would make it easier to clean, I suppose. And I love the decorative, contrasting rings, they really add a nice touch." He answered very politely.

"Oh, and that is bigger than the average coffee mug," I assured him. "It is Pamela's, she works in Customer Service, and it is quite a trip from the kitchen to her cubicle."

"What's a cubicle?" He asked.

"Oh, it is like a little room, with short, movable, carpet covered walls. It gives the illusion of privacy, and significance without providing either. We have hundreds of them on every floor, and people come and occupy them every day, working at various tasks. All designed to advance the greater good of the company, and provide profits for the shareholders and upper management."

"Sounds like hell, and I would know," He said and we both laughed.

"Hey, do you want to see one?" I asked.

"No, I told Bob I would wait here. But, if you could put one of those donuts under the cup I would be very grateful, I haven't had a bite to eat in over 5,000 years."

"Sure," I said, sliding a donut under the mug. "Hey, if you get out, I am on the third floor, down at the west end of the building, I am the one doing all the work, you can't miss me, my name is Tim."

"If Bob has time we will swing by and see you in action, Tim, Thanks for the donut."

You know, sometimes Monday is not so bad.

Round 1 Goes to the Spider.

There are two or three different places I might park my car overnight.  One of them is next to a large, old, evergreen tree, which would be right next to the drivers door.  When I park there a spider (who obviously has compulsive tendencies) , almost without fail, will build a web between my car and the tree.

I never see the web as it is dark when I leave for work.  So, after walking blindly into a large web built by a maniacal spider, who doesn't know when to quit, I thrash around wildly, looking to all the world like a St. Vitus Dance victim.  Followed by the creeping suspicion, all the way to work, that I am covered with spiders.

Of course that is only a bit of paranoia, probably something primal, and ancient, dating back to when men had to fight for existence against hordes of carnivorous spiders, who waited right next to the primitive cars, in primeval parking lots, to ambush early man, and carry him off, throw him on a campfire and cook him up with a side of shallots, and a nice Lambrusco.   In those days spiders were much more civilized, and it was only an evolutionary fluke that made humans the dominant species, maybe.

I know the spider is not in the car, he is sitting in the tree, watching, a slight chuckle breaking the eerie silence of the pine tree residence, but, nobody complains, they all get a little pleasure from my embarrassing display (I hope insects and small animals don't have a user submitted video program).  Already the spider is planning for the next time my car ends up there.

But, I had a plan.  I bought a gun, and waited in my car, hiding in the back seat, tucked away under several jackets that were still in there from last winter, no point in taking them in now, it is almost winter again.  Sure, my wife is going to complain, "they need washed, bring them in."  The bright sun, magnified through the back window has killed any odor causing bacteria by now.  I can easily get one more winter out them.  It is so much more environmentally friendly that way.  Besides, what little smell is left will cover the reek of terror that comes with spider hunting.

Unfortunately, I fell asleep, and the spider built the web, complete with a little sign asking for the best place to buy shallots and Lambrusco.  Well played little spider, you win this round, but the war isn't over yet.

Yes, another spider story.

Normally I try to avoid political issues completely.  For one thing there are plenty of political blogs, web-sites and programs already, (but, and this is an important point, only one Life Explained) but, when a politician fearlessly puts himself in the line of fire to protect his constituents it should be mentioned, even here where vital issues are covered, almost in real time.  Yes we pride ourselves on bringing you the news before it even becomes the news.

And when that politician goes one step further and starts eliminating the leading problem of the world today (that's right, loyal readers, SPIDERS) then he deserves a little Life Explained recognition.

So here's to you, Governor Chris Christie.  I would like to shake your hand, after you disinfect it, and maybe bleach it, unless you can find something a bit stronger.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwjke6iRD14

See, These are Things to Worry About.

Texas increases exports to Great Britian.

Britain's first infestation of the deadly Black Widow spider has been discovered in a machinery plant in East Norfolk.

Engineers at the plant discovered the notoriously vicious spider and, after a Google search to identify it, called in pest control. Factory workers and office assistants were evacuated by pest control officers as the spider was sealed in an air tight container.

A nest of eggs was later discovered in the same crate where the spider was originally found after more than 100 baby Black Widows hatched from a small sack the size of a pea.

'You could tell it was a Black Widow because of the hourglass pattern on the thorax and the aggressive stance the spider was taken once trapped in our containers,' said Ian Parkinson, a service manager at Abate Pest Control, who dealt with the request.

''We cordoned off the area in the yard where the spider was discovered and created a ring of insecticide around it. We then used electric and petrol based foggers on the rest of the site.

'After the factory was closed last night we then sprayed the office areas with a water-based insecticide as well.

'We are now satisfied that the premises is safe.'

It is believed that the spiders had come into the country from a delivery of imported machinery goods from Texas.

All products are fumigated before being exported but it remains a mystery as to how the spiders survived.

Mr Parkinson believes that Black Widows can survive up to some weeks after only one large meal so it is not unlikely that they would survive during transit.

Black Widow spiders are considered the most venomous spiders in North America.


The southern Black Widow has the shiny, black, globular abdomen with the distinctive red hourglass on the underside.

There was much skepticism about the potential problems caused by Aggressive Intercontinental Spiders jumping on jets and traveling the globe when first reported in "Another Thing to be Worried About." Experts ridiculed the idea saying "spiders will never be able to get through the rigorous TSA screening process."  Now who is laughing?

TSA head John Pistole refused to comment until reporters had emptied their pockets and taken off their shoes.  We hope to have a full report as soon they get through the metal detectors.

It is getting increasingly difficult to find safety in this world, but until then this site will bring you the difficult truth, because we care.

Another Thing to be Worried About

Just when you thought you were pretty safe from Ravenous Arachnids (which might make a good name for a movie, if there are any producers thinking this might make a good show), unless you are a bat, that is, this was reported by MSN today (not today, but when this was originally posted, and I have never let little things like facts stand in my way).

 

Giant asbestos-infected tarantula loose in Wales

Head for one of your many hills, Wales. Tis no spider, tis a remorseless asbestos-contaminated tarantula on the loose. The existence of the arachnid was revealed after its recently-shed skin was recovered by asbestos-removal workers in an abandoned old house in the Welsh capital of Cardiff. Experts think the Chilean rose tarantula, which is INFECTED WITH ASBESTOS, could be twice as large after shedding it skin. One of the workers spotted a giant spider leg after lifting up a floorboard, and like any rational person, screamed and fled the house, as did a number of others. Some brave and foolhardy souls stayed and recovered the skin, which tests later confirmed was the skin from an ASBESTOS-INFECTED TARANTULA. That is still at large. Shiver.

Giant, Asbestos Infected, United Kingdom Tarantulas.  If you are thinking, "well, this is in Wales, and I couldn't find Wales on a globe, if you spotted me the continent."  (The previous sentence applies only to Americans who are terribly naive about geography) In a world where jet planes carry people from one continent to another with ease and speed at such a relatively small price, Wales is right next door.  That's right, Giant, Asbestos Infected, Welsh Tarantulas are living right next door to you!

The Moon is looking better all of the time.

Good news, maybe.

Here is something that is very difficult to catalog.  Should this be filed under "Good News," or "Bad News."  It is a little like finding out the Monster Under the Bed ate the Monster From the Closet, while it is true that there is one less monster in the room, now there is a monster under the bed that is able to eat other monsters.  

According to one highly placed source in the shipping department, (who requested anonymity, as he thinks this blog is a huge waste of time) "this is not good news, because I never have any bats bothering me, but, there are always a bunch of spiders creeping around."

It might be time to seriously consider colonizing space.

Unless you're in Antarctica, you may have seen none other than a bat-eating spider. (Yes, that's right folks!) A new study released on March 13 that surveyed scientific journals, blogs and even Flickr accounts for them showed that they're a growing phenomenon across every continent, except for the aforementioned, Antarctica. Fifty-two incidents, to be exact, were found of spiders munching on bats-an animal with few other natural enemies, and researchers are concluding that spiders consume bats more frequently than previously thought.

According to UPI.com, while most incidents involved web-building spiders in the tropics and warmer climates, the scientists also reported an "attempt by a large fishing spider Dolomedes triton (Pisauridae) to kill a bat pup...below a bridge in Indiana."

In other incidences, orb-weaving spiders have been known to block the entrances to bat caves in southeast Asia and the tropics.

Huntsmans and tarantulas -- spiders that hunt for their prey rather than waiting for them to fly into a web -- have been spotted eating small bats that have fallen to the ground.

Spiders (order Araneae) are air-breathing arthropods that have eight legs and chelicerae with fangs that inject venom. They are the largest order of arachnids and rank seventh in total species diversity among all other groups of organisms.^[1] Spiders are found worldwide on every continent except for Antarctica, and have become established in nearly every habitat with the exception of air and sea colonization.