Life Explained, the Early Days

How do you measure success?  It is a private calculation, one that everybody needs to write for themselves. Money, fame, recognition for achievement are all metrics, but we, here at Life Explained Ohio Office, like to measure success in advertising dollars.

Unfortunately, we have fallen short of our goals, which were modest by today's standard, only $250.000.00, so far we have only cleared $000,000.00. Obviously we have some work to do.

With that in mind we have hired a new advertising agency. But, without any advertising revenue, we were a little limited in our choices, all of the really good organizations are a little pricey. Many of them wouldn't even return our emails, and the one who answered the phone actually laughed out loud when we started counting the change from the sofa cushions. A little rude, but it was worse when they hung up.

But, innovation r' us®*.  And we persevered. We actually started our own advertising agency. The Life Explained Advertising Agency. It was a great idea, we should have thought of this years ago.

We are lining up all sorts of events, and endorsements, and commercial opportunities. There are celebrities, and statesmen, and elected officials all in the cue for future events to help celebrate the story of the birth of Life Explained.

It is a great story, too. A dog scientist and a couple of human engineers, and graduate students striking out on their own. Nothing but a covered wagon, a used printer, a dream, and a couple of dollars, we started across the Rockies. But the snows came early and we were stuck in a pass, with nothing but some canned beans and a faulty microwave assembled hastily from the printer, things looked desperate.

But, we persevered, and using the planks from the bottom of the wagon we built a few rudimentary buildings, and stocked them as best we could. It was touch and go, we hunted for local game, and trapped, and fished, and panned for gold. Just as a side note, the red berries on evergreens make an awful wine, but we’ve had worse.

But, we persevered, and built a few more buildings using logs and sticks, and rocks. We fashioned a crude system of cables using twigs, and bark as rope to transfer goods and people to and from the mountain top. It was really ingenious, man we were so smart.

Pretty soon people were coming from everywhere to check out our new settlement. And that is how we founded Aspen, Colorado.**

Who wouldn’t want to be a part of that story?

Don't forget to tune in tomorrow when we talk about how we subdued the Boxer Rebellion, a touching story involving a corrupt referee and some hellacious left jabs, and right crosses. And the Eye of the Tiger, by the 80's rock band Survivor.

*Not really registered, yet, but we are going to work on it as soon as we save enough money, don’t forget the life explained garage, rummage and bake sale, coming to a neighborhood near you.

** Not really, this was written by the Life Explained Advertising Agency.  For a free quote email us at tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com

Draft Night, NBA

Last night was the NBA draft. A solemn, austere ceremony where young men are conscripted to travel to the far corners of the world to serve the common good... Not really, it is a big, splashy gaudy affair. Silly with television cameras, and reporters, all stalking young men whose fortunes are about to change.

It starts when a basketball team is given five minutes to decide which young man they are going to "draft," hand a boat load of cash, and expect a championship to come at his beck and call.

After the decision is made they tell the NBA commissioner, a man whose name escapes me, but it is not David Stern, he was the last guy.  The commissioner (for the sake of convenience we will call him Not David Stern) comes out and announces the choice solemnly and with the tone of a man delivering important news to a shaken, frightened nation, "With the 6th pick in the draft the (insert team name here) have chosen (insert young man's name here).

And then a young man, in a suit,  comes up and puts on a baseball hat, and kind of shakes hands, and kind of hugs (it is a modern version of a hand shake, and one I have never been able to master) Not David Stern. It is an odd picture, these very tall, young, athletic, men hugging this aging, short, bald man, somehow it seems as though it might be from a mafia movie.

Then, a panel of experts, some of whom played basketball, and some of whom studied journalism, talk about why it was such a good pick. There are a lot of technical terms, "wing span" and "shooting
range" "length" and "physicality." And then this panel of "experts" started rating them, "he could be a three, or a four." It seemed so insensitive, and cruel...  Just kidding, it was just the position they would play on the basketball team.

Today, the real work will begin, an agent, employed by the young athlete, will meet with lawyers representing the team's owners and begin negotiating the terms of employment.

Normally, it will start with the team's owners representatives saying something along the lines of "we would like the young man you are representing to accept this ridiculously large pile of cash, and come play basketball in our fine city."

Not to be outmaneuvered, the agent who is representing the young man will retort. "We couldn't possibly accept that much money. This player has never played a minute of basketball at this level, please accept our counter offer of this still large, but somewhat smaller pile of cash."... Not really,sooner or later they agree on a number that seems enormous to most people and the deal is made.

Just a disclaimer, I have always agreed with the sentiment expressed by Joseph Heller's character, Milo Minderbinder in that fantastic account of life in the modern world "Catch 22, "it is never a sin to tax as much as the traffic will bear."  So, if the owners can charge enough to pay the athletes that much it is fine with me.  I toast their success, and wish them the best.