An Explanation, with Explosion. With formatting.

Every year, during the first weekend in March, in Columbus, Ohio, we have the Arnold Schwarzenegger Fitness Exposition. It is a very popular event, bringing people from all over the world to our fair city. It is so popular they erected a statue of Arnold Schwarzenegger in his underwear downtown.* We like to shorten the name, and just call it the “Arnold.” It saves a bunch of syllables, and leaves us more free time to complain about how busy we are.**

The Arnold happens at the Columbus Convention Center. It is only a few blocks from where I work. And people are hungry to find a place to park. In front of the building where I am employed is a small parking lot. It is a private lot, the company owns it and it is for employees (and owners, and visitors) only. At the back of the lot is our loading dock, and since the lot is so small often we have to ask people to move their cars to accommodate trucks. Obviously, it is important that we keep people who are not easily accessible from parking in our lot. People who are three blocks away, at the Arnold in the Convention Center, for example.

My co-worker, Bil, has the ultimate responsiblilty for this. He is the only with a desk on that side of the building. He has, in the past kept vigil, opening his window and screaming profanely at interlopers, sometimes hurling himself down the stairs to confront the would be parking offenders and chase them from our lot. We call him Bil, the enforcer.**

It was not a perfect system. Sometimes Bil needs coffee, or eats lunch, or has duties that take him from his work station/watch tower. And people could sneak in, park and be out of range before he even noticed. So, Bil put a orange cone in the center of the driveway to deter people. It was a stroke of genius. Sometimes we call him Bil, the Ingenious.**

An Accident Happens.

Until a truck delivered nine pallets of candles. 

“Who put that cone in your driveway?” The truck driver asked, smiling. He was a short, older (even older than me) extremely pleasant man, he told us he was nearing retirement, his hair was white, and he smiled constantly. 

“I did.” Bil said. “I want to keep people from parking in out lot during the Arnold.” 

“I ran over it.” The driver told him, still smiling. Obviously, being close to retirement was very liberating.

“Is it OK?” Bil asked, but we all knew the answer. The poor cone had been run over by a delivery truck with nine pallets of candles. It was no longer a cone in anyway, except our memory.

Problem Solved

Bil would not be deterred, though. He set about making a more proper sign, or signage in modern jargon.

He built a sign, anchored it in another cone.*** And it said. “NO ARNOLD Parking.” He anchored it with big pieces of broken asphalt. Nobody would be foolish enough to tangle with a construction as menacing as that.

And, it worked. Not one Arnold parker in our lot all day. Bil the Successful is what we call him.** 

I try to take a walk everyday at lunch. I am going to walk my way to good health even if it kills me. And when I walked past Bil’s sign I couldn’t help but think; what if somebody from out of town happened to be driving past? Someone who knew nothing of the huge event happening just a short walk away. Would they think we just hated Arnold. “Jim and John, Pancho and Paco, Evelyn and Edith all are welcome, but not you, Arnold, you can find someplace else.”

And the thought amused me so much I posted the sign on Facebook, with the caption, Arnold, this means you, or maybe We hate you Arnold. I don’t really remember. 

And since I never know when enough is enough. I added this video.****

We have a friend who lives in New Zealand, one of the nicest, funniest, most creative people we know online, or in person. She saw the No Parking sign and my caption and told me “nobody likes a bully.” And then she applauded Arnold for his air strike retaliation. But, she wanted to know what is was all about. 

Since I hadn’t written a blog post in a while I thought this would be the perfect opportunity.  Here you go, Trina, an explanation.

Meaningless Footnotes

* Not really, it is a statue of him competing in the Mr. Universe competition.

** I just made that up.

*** I don’t know where he got all the cones. Bil is very resourceful, and can be counted on for many things. Bil the Resourceful** is one of his many nicknames.

**** This didn’t really happen, it is the Action Movie FX app for the iPhone, it is a lot of fun. Download it and tell them I recommended it, and maybe they will send some cash. The circle of life, translated for extreme capitalism. 

Don't make that mistake.

If you were to take the expressway from the northeast corner of Columbus to Downtown you would notice a construction site.  If you are driving early, before sunrise, you might be amazed at the action, and the light.  It is so bright, and so hectic it resembles an ant colony lit up by a hundred blinding white suns, one in each room, on every floor.  If you made that trip daily for an extended period you would be surprised at the speedy progress.  You might even be so impressed by the efficiency that you would ask your co-workers what was being built.

It is possible that your co-worker, despite being very knowledgeable about such things, would have no clue.  So, you might check on line, looking at the local governments building permits, and find nothing.  You might check the local papers archives and find no mention of a new building in that area.  It is entirely possible that the local television stations could tell you nothing about the mysterious, well lit building that is being completed so quickly.

Maybe you could drive by on your lunch break, but the fencing around the building may be so opaque, high and absolute that you could see nothing, and would still not know.  No signs proudly proclaiming  the ultimate occupant, no mention of the contractor, the architect or the principals of any kind, anywhere.

At this point you might be so intrigued, or frustrated, or both, that you would not be able to keep yourself from approaching the security guard with abnormally long arms, a head that seemed too large, and the slightly sickly, slightly shiny green tint, what was being built, and how it was being completed so quickly.

That would be a big mistake, trust me.  There are things you just don't want to know, and this is one of them.